LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
22 March 2015
Weekly Oops

Mamma mia! Oh dear Elton. After that hysterical tirade when Elton declared a
world-wide boycott against the Dolce & Gabanna brand, he was caught out
carrying a D&B bag. No! Yes! Mio Dio! Wait! Elton’s publicist said he was “only
carrying his sandwiches” No! Yes! Then Elton’s publicist said “it was
photoshopped”. Then Elton’s publicist said it hadn’t been photoshopped.
Sciocchezze.

Elton obviously took Stephano Gabbana’s opinion on motherhood very, very -
verrryyyy personally. Perhaps he was confused; he thought synthetic was
referencing his toupees. OK. Just joking. SG’s statements were stupid.

“Your archaic thinking is out of step with the times, just like your fashions. I shall
never wear Dolce and Gabbana ever again. #BoycottDolceGabbana." Clearly
thinking of all those D&G workers.

Stefano told an Italian magazine Panorama that he thought gay couples having
‘synthetic babies’ via IVF is wrong. “The family is not a fad. I am opposed to the
idea of a child growing up with two gay parents”. Nappies at dawn surely.

Hmmm. If there is any doubt, D&G are Italian. You know – what’s more
important than the family in Italy, besides the mafia. Hmmm. The D&G show was
all about the celebration of motherhood which as you must know by now,
featured pregnant mothers-to-be and mothers with their babies. Thus the
comment? Protesting celebrities, protesting protesters all taking it very
personally. Couldn’t Elton have had a word with Stefano? Mamma mia. BTW the
incensed insulted Elton has not spoken to his mum in six or seven years.
Mamma mia.

In response to Elton’s petition, Stephano retorted by posting the word #Fascist!
on Elton’s wall before calling on their devotees to #BoycottEltonJohn. Now it’s all
handbags at dawn don’t you think? He did retract with "Come on, I was annoyed
for a moment…”  And Elton has surely finished his sandwiches.


**** You!

Mr I-have-the-maturity-of-a-gnat (although it’s debatable as to the emotional
development of a gnat) Jeremy Clarkson has been out and about without a car
saying he’s been sacked by the BBC and he wants one more go (why exactly?).
To quote him: expletive… expletive… expletive… expletive… expletive…
expletive… expletive… expletive… expletive… expletive… expletive…at a charity
gala (really). Did you get that? Let the NHS die a death-by-a-thousand-cuts, but
god forbid idiots would be deprived of their humble hero. There are one million
protests to reinstate punch-a-producer Clarkson.  

A man dressed as Top Gear's Stig (apparently the show’s mystery driver – I’m
trying to give a toss here) delivered the petition to the BBC's London
headquarters in a tank. A tank, a tank aiming its gun at the BBC. Subtle.

Oops. Organisers almost had to call a halt to the stupid stunt when the tank broke
down just short of its intended destination. Really.

There is an 18 year waiting list to be in the Top Gear audience. OGFS…
expletive… expletive… expletive … expletive… expletive… expletive….!


Separated at Birth – Not

Alfie Allen is not Sam Smith’s cousin. End of. He has told Time Out his sister,
Lily Allen’s declaration that Sam Smith is their cousin is “a lie”. Gosh.

The Game of Throne actor said: “Sam is not my cousin. It's absolute rubbish. It's
a lie.” So he’s not Lily’s cousin either. Indeed.

Evidently Lily tweeted “Yes cuz” when Sam Smith won the BBC Sound of 2014
gong in January last year. Forget the doubtful familial relationship, ‘cuz’?
Really? Who says ‘cuz’ exactly? How many people do you know? I thought as
much.

“I like Sam Smith and his music, he's great. But why did it only come out when
Sam was famous? I don't know. You'd have to ask Lily." Related by six degrees
of separation possibly?

The relationship between the siblings has a bit of an awkward history. AA had to
deny Lily’s claims "I've been asked to do a Game of Thrones cameo, they asked
if I’d be interested in playing Theon's sister. I felt uncomfortable because I would
have had to go on a horse and he would have touched me up and s***. Once
they told me what it entailed, I said, 'No thanks'." Alfie. Help!

Alfie’s response in the interview: "The only thing I’m going to say on this is that's
not true," adding that actress Gemma Whelan had already been selected for the
part.

Hard to dispute Lily has been everywhere in rather strange outfits and wigs but
home with the kids. “Kids? What kids? Am I related to some kids somewhere?”


That Will Be £3150 Exactly

Teflon Ukip is facing yet another major crisis which will have no effect. Plus ca
change. Two parliamentary candidates within 24 hours have been suspended
and the resignation of a third who claimed there was “open racism and
sanctimonious bullying” in the party. No, really?

The one-man-one-ideology-policy Nigel Farage has had a continuous problem in
regards racism, misogyny, anti-gay, financial ‘irregularities’.

Ukip-darling, Janice Atkinson, an MEP for the South East and PPC for
Folkestone and Hythe, has been suspended and may face a police enquiry (don’
t hold your breath). She requested the invoice for a Woman’s Lunch event
(whatever that may be) at Margate be increased from £950 to £3150 as you do
when your salary is £80,000 plus ‘expenses’. Nige:  “I am very, very shocked
and surprised." Nige was “deeply shocked.” Nige said: “One of the most
incredibly stupid and dishonest things I’ve ever seen in my life.” Did you get
that? In his life! Blimey, Nige!

Atkinson once called a Thai constituent a "ting tong", but you know there is so
much more concerning the party of the faux pas- ‘the party of the people’.
Just a few: Council candidate Alex Wood was suspended after being pictured
giving a ‘Nazi salute’ —which he later claimed he was ‘doing a plant impression’.
Really! Aren’t you curious as to what plant? Any plant?

Cllr. David Silvester was suspended after claiming floods were caused by gay
marriage. Really again!

Anna-Marie Crampton was suspended as council candidate after claiming that
Jews murdered each other in the Holocaust. Really. No really! Adding a bit of
perspective, PM CallMeDave is called a ‘gay-loving nutcase’. Ukip is up to 34pc.


Let Me Be Clear

If you have any interest in election bribes, Chancellor, PM-in-waiting, endlessly
smug, Georgie has delivered his lacking-in-facts pre-election budget.

According to
The Week, polifiller.com has taken a poll to determine the Top Ten
‘most-loathed, patronising, self-aggrandising political clichés and double-speak’.
How exciting. Here’s their list.

1 ‘Hard-working families’
2 ‘Let me be clear’
3 ‘The economic mess’
4 ‘Long term economic plan’
5 ‘Failed economic plan’
6 ‘The Great British people’
7 ‘What we’ve said is’
8 ‘I don’t intend to give a running commentary’
9 ‘Up and down the country’
10 ‘I say this’

Falling just outside the Top Ten were ‘package of measures’ and ‘we’re all in this
together’. No ‘the mess Labour left us’ then? Ah. Don’t despair. You’ve possibly
heard it already today. Georgie has said all


Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Tory party chairman Grant Shapps – oh I mean Michael Green – has been
caught out emphatically point-making finger-pointing (ha) during a radio
interview, while clearly suffering from chronic amnesia, Shapps/Green said quite
vigorously: “To be absolutely clear I don't have a second job and I have never
had a second job whilst being an MP. End of story!” “…never had a second job
while being an MP!” Did you get that?

A year after he was elected to Parliament, he was recorded selling self-help
guide Stinking Rich 3 claiming his products could make listeners a 'ton of cash'.
Shapps/Green ran the HowToCorp 'is not a cheap product' website, which
featured get-rich-quick advice from 'successful businessmen' – guess who. No
guessing involved is there. Totally non-existent people wrote testimonials for his
book and best is the fact that the image on his book cover is a stock image of a
man in a tie.

You just know that PM CallMeDave has insisted he has full confidence in the
Conservative party chairman, whoever he is. Ah we’re, I mean they’re, all in it
together – again.

But other facts that have been gathered are just too fun to ignore. So here are a
few: Shapps/Greene’s cousin is the Clash’s former guitarist, Mick Jones (do we
believe that?), flying is his hobby in his £100,000 plane - he tried to block a plan
to build 700 (desperately needed) homes on the airfield where he keeps his
hobby. He says he prefers Nando’s to The Ivy (OK, OK, you now know you can't
believe a word he says), he altered his Wikipedia entry to delete his school
record. Apparently it said that he ‘obtained four O-levels including an A in CDT’ -
he actually obtained five. He is so naughty. He likes karaoke rapping. Say it isn’t
so. His speciality is ‘Rapper's Delight’. One of your favourites?

It just never ends does it? Political duplicity that is. According to the
Mail on
Sunday
, Tory parliamentary candidate Afzal Amin was recorded asking
‘England for the English’ English Defence League (EDL) officials to organise a
protest against the building of a mosque. Amin promised that if the protest was
then called off and he got the credit for defusing the situation, he would be the
party's 'unshakeable ally' in parliament. Ah, the perfect Tory candidate. Tories 4
points ahead of Labour? Really?


I’m Obsessed

Saving the best for last. Paris Hilton wants a unicorn. Right now. ”Unicorns, I’m
obsessed; I want one (only one?) I always have love them since I was a little girl.
I would love one as a pet. I have every other animal.” Oh. Now I want one as well.
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