|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
13 January 2018
“Utter shambles”! No! Really? The Tories? The government? Theresa? Never!
More farce really, or simply a damp squib. Congrats Chris Grayling! Oh wait.
Wrong. They had to take that back after 37 seconds. Let’s keep in mind his
exemplary decisions with regards to the Transport Secretary’s “bailout” of
Stagecoach and Virgin Trains. The consortium has announced it will not be
paying the estimated £1.7billion it promised in return for the East Coast Mainline
franchise. Sigh who will be out of pocket then? Us of course. Quelle surprise.
£1.7billion. Now isn’t it just perfect that CG will keep his position?
Surely you have been shaking your collective heads over Theresa’s big radical
earth-changing reshuffle. The big reshuffle – not. Oh dear, oh dear oh dear. The
front pages of the papers did: The Sun - a “shambles”, The Guardian -
“disarray”, The Telegraph - “fell flat,” The Times - “shambolic”, the Express - a
“trying day”, The Mail - “chaos”. Just saying.
The boys refused to go, be moved, be demoted. Poor Theresa. “Philip! Help!
What do I do now? Jeremy is refusing to be demoted! What do I do?” “Smile
and say, ‘nothing’s changed…nothing’s changed’.” And there’s Nick Timothy,
hiding in the background, mouthing the words: “strong and stable, strong and
stable and give him an extra title”. Right. Nick certainly made a mess of his re-
shuffle plan. Nothing new is it? So forward-thinking, all that pre-planning. I hear
Some moments of the more memorable mess: Jeremy clearly arm-wrestled
Theresa, or her stand in Nick Timothy and won. He told Theresa: “a captain
doesn’t abandon his ship”. Huh? He views himself as the captain – of the sinking
ship? Well surely he should be forced to walk the plank. I know, I know. It was
just too tempting.
Next: Anti-abortion Maria Caulfield is the new Conservative Vice Chair for
Women. The former nurse led opposition to proposals to liberalise the abortion
laws in England and Wales so they would no longer fall under the 1861 Offence
Against the Person Act. Note: 1861. She’s a member of the All Party
Parliamentary Pro Life Group. Oh joy. Surely we will we see her displaying
photos of aborted foetuses outside abortion clinics. She wants to give a “‘voice’
to the unborn child”. ‘Voice’? Oh don’t tempt me here. She said that attempts to
liberalise our current laws would make “women victims of their bodies”. What?
Voices, victims. What is this anti-abortionist talking about? Are we meant to ask
the unborn child then? Sorry. Oh Theresa, Theresa. Was this for the DUP,
Theresa? Or should we begin to worry about your small brain – getting smaller.
Next: we know that Theresa has gone all green. I know, I know. Ha, ha, ha. But
did you know that our small-minded green-disciple had demanded Andrea
Leadsom, the then environment secretary, make the government’s 25-year
environment plan as “boring as possible”. Really! And just a year ago. Yes, we
should begin to worry. She’s not clever enough to be as manipulative as she
demonstrates, but clearly Nick Timothy is.
Next: they will ban all plastic cutlery from Whitehall. Success! Surely you have
been signing petitions, emailing your MP, demonstrating to remove those knives
and forks. Reality check: the Tories have cut funding for renewables, given the
go-ahead to fracking, done almost nothing to tackle air pollution, have nuclear
plans, stopped wind farms and have a poor record on environmental protection.
Go green, Theresa! You’re doing a splendid job!
Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink
Just when you think life is not only weird, but surreal as well, proof arrives in the
form of Waitrose. Evidently Waitrose has a plan. It is keen to explore a new
technology that will encourage us, well you – I stopped buying there when their
veggies were clearly mummified - to buy or avoid certain products according to
It’s called DNANudge and it asks customers to swab inside their mouth before
placing it in a cartridge, putting that in a larger scanner and then downloading
the information from the scanner to an app on their smartphone. So, with your
DNA profile to hand, you will be ‘nudged’ – not pushed, shoved? towards certain
products, assuming Waitrose products. All to make you healthy and happy and
shopping at Waitrose.
According to the Waitrose website: “If you scan a packet of chocolate cookies,
for example, the app will not discourage the purchase of chocolate cookies, but
instead, provide a recommendation for alternative chocolate cookies that are
“healthier” in that category given your individual DNA profile.” No deafening,
shrieking alarm going off then? “Biscuit aisle! Biscuit aisle! We have a mutiny!
You take that side, I’ll take this! Hurry!”
Angry Not Young Man
As for the creepy, crude, angry, arrogant, homophobic, misogynistic, porn-
addicted, racist, ultra right-wing, nasty – all right, truly vile, ‘free’ school-
obsessed Toby Young? “I was a journalistic provocateur.” Oh right. That explains
Well, Theresa decided to keep him in his newly appointed £459-a-day role as
the university regulator – and then he quit due to social media pressure. It was
all a matter of “caustic wit” according to Boris. He would say that wouldn’t he:
separated at birth… And Universities Minister, Jo Johnson? Boris’ brother
remember him? JJ called Toby “an eloquent advocate of free speech”. I swear.
OK. What the f***? He told MPs the government wanted to "encourage Toby to
“develop the best sides of his personality". He has them? Oh he so doesn’t.
Let’s review: he referred to children with learning difficulties as “illiterate
troglodytes”, is in favour of eugenics, complained about “ghastly” political
correctness with schools being forced to have wheelchair ramps, called state
school undergraduates at Oxford and Cambridge as “stains”. Enough yet?
These are only a few of his “best sides”.
I’ll continue to convince you. He ‘joked’ (ha) about masturbating over
photographs of refugees during Comic Relief, is obsessed with breasts – ew –
any ‘qualifying’ it seems; size matters. Ew. Toby has been busy deleting at least
40,000 of his current abhorrent, repugnant tweets. And Theresa told him he was
naughty after he was accused of posting a sexual joke about starving children -
but refused to sack him.
Theresa told Andrew Marr: “Toby Young has done exceedingly good work in
relation to free schools. And that’s what led to him being appointed to the office
for students. When he was appointed I was not aware of these comments that
he had made.” Gosh Theresa. Everybody did, didn’t they? Eh Theresa?
Toby ‘defended’ himself: "The caricature drawn of me in the last seven days,
particularly on social media, has been unrecognisable to anyone who knows
me.” Isn’t it curious that those who know him haven’t told him what a repulsive
idiot he is? Thinking how many of his views are not unlike The Donald’s. Hmmm.
He’d written that book, aptly titled, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
about his complete failure to make it big in New York. Ah. What a shame.
Shame? The man hasn’t any. Perhaps his surname is an indication: Young?
Perhaps moron would be better. Just saying….
Ignorance is Bliss
And what have the Brexiteers been up to? Well, the government’s Brexit
department is hiring a glut of new staff for the EU Exit section of the Government
Digital Service, a branch of the Cabinet Office – without any knowledge of the
EU in its job specifications. Not again. Policy advisers, a senior internal
communications officer and an executive assistant, and a deputy director
position. They don’t need any previous experience or knowledge of the EU or to
speak other languages. So being able to read and write is enough then?
And then there are those Brexiteers bearing embarrassing gifts as an attempt to
show Britain can thrive outside the EU. They presented the top negotiator with a
hamper of ‘British’ goods. The point? So the EU could “fully grasp the powerful
commercial position Britain occupies globally”.
In the hamper:
Marmite invented by German, owned by the Anglo-Dutch company
Unilever Tea - grown in India, owned by the Anglo-Dutch company Unilever
Winston Churchill - half American, called for a united states of Europe in 1946
Shakespeare - sourced plays from European texts
Piccalili - English interpretation of Indian chutney
and, Steve Woolfe is one of the delegates - grandson of immigrants
There have been complaints that no matter how ridiculous this stunt was,
products from Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland were few. No surprise there.
How much more excruciating can these Brexiteers be? Rhetorical question.
C’est Moi, C’est Moi
Hmmm. It was at least at 12 hours since Harry and his plus one have been out
and about to absorb the love of the adoring, cheering crowds. They felt
compelled to visit a youth radio station to learn about its work supporting young
people. As you do - when you are establishing a new brand. They met with the
people behind Reprezent 107.3FM, the Brixton radio station.
Meghan was “overwhelmed”. “Meghan looked surprised.” Oh right. Twittering,
hand covering her smile. Seriously now. If you’re not nauseous by now, you
should be. Sorry but this constant coy-act is getting a bit redundant and sooo
boring. Time for a new one really. “Oh we just love mingling with the peasants,
don’t we Harry. Harry. Are you listening to me? Time for photos. I’ll want to be
surrounded and tell them to smile as they look at me. Oh I just love – erm –
where are we? Oh right. Brixton. Can you spell that?”
Evidently, Harry said: “She answers all the questions.” Hmmm. Prophetic or
forewarning? Harry has a new talent he can use. He learnt a new ‘Reprezent’
handshake from the station's DJ Remi. Now if only he can remember it when he
goes out and about to mingle with the plebs. Harry told them: “Don’t go
anywhere, I want a group photo later.” Ahhh. Brand in Brixton complete.
A Gentleman’s Agreement
And you just know the press will never say a bad word about MM. But all those
on line ‘comments’ on the coverage can – and oh dear, oh dear, they certainly
do! And ‘pushy’ is sounding positive. Oh oops. Free speech? For how long?
All that sycophancy couldn’t last could it? Samantha, MM’s half-sister, who has
written that new book, Pushy Princess, has gone all gushingly warm - and
guarded. The Firm got to her – eh? But not for long.
Samantha revealed she and MM have not talked to each other for three years.
She told the Mirror: “The last time we spoke – when I heard her voice – was
2014, almost 2015. Her last words were, ‘I love you, babe. I’m really glad we had
this conversation. Keep in touch’. And she couldn’t – she got busy. I tried. But I
think she just got really busy.” I’d say so. Very. Breaking down in tears,
Samantha added: “I hope now that she knows I was there. I should’ve really
reached out more... but I’m proud of her.” What – for bagging a prince? And in
two days. What an accomplishment.
But, Samantha also attacked our latest ‘princess’, accusing her of not helping
their bankrupt father enough. “If you can spend $75,000 on a dress, you can
spend $75,000 on your dad.” That engagement dress don’t you know. Goodness
me. Where’s the Firm? Oh, there they are. Samantha describes the prince as
“quirky and cute, and perfect for her”. They are very charming together. He has
a noble heart.” O h m y g o d!
And she goes on: “He (their father) had a beautiful, gentlemanly air about him.
And I think Meghan came to appreciate that. I feel Harry resembles the best
qualities in my father.”
And Meghan’s father, Thomas? He loves Harry. “Harry is ‘a gentleman.’”.
Really? After what Harry said about MM’s non-existent family? Gentleman? The
same Harry who enjoyed naked orgies in Las Vegas, Harry? Nazi uniform
Harry? Perhaps MM’s father should review the definition. I’m thinking privileged
prince. OK. Dim privileged prince.
BBC’s treatment of now ex-China editor, Carrie Gracie, disgrace. News anchor,
Huw Edwards, £600,000 a year, not enough? Radio 4 presenter, John
Humphrys, £600,000 and £649,999 last year. “But I’m still left with more than
anybody else and that seems to me entirely just”. Harrumph. BBC busy silencing
women who backed Carrie.
Ultimate bore Boris has branded London’s Mayor, Sadiq Khan, a “puffed up
pompous popinjay” after he welcomed The Donald cancelling a trip to London. A
popinjay? ‘A foppish pretentious person’. Gosh. Isn’t that Boris? We know he’s
pompous and puffed up. Sometimes your alliteration is not adroit, Boris. Oops. I
should have written that in Latin.