|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
13 April 2019
|Trick or Treat
Best to be prepared. Bets on for all Theresa masks will be sold out way before
31 October. Yes, Halloween. You know, the witching hour featuring one specific
witch. Are those blood-curdling screams from Brexiteer ghouls in reaction to the
EU having given a flexible extension to delay the deadline for Britain’s
departure? But if there are any changes, strategies, plans and/or we could
come to some sort of compromise – oh wait! Arlene Foster – backstop - so
tricks but no treats.
So time to celebrate the night of the living dead – or as Georgie (Osborne) called
Theresa, the ‘dead woman walking”. Perfect. Do you think Theresa will wear
one? Surely Phil will. Matching outfits of course, as they do.
Down and Dirty
What has pro-Brexit Jezza been up to other than planning ways to crash out of
the EU permanently and forever? Well, naturally he has been busy tweeting
allotment tips to millennial U.S. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Come on now: “WHAT”? or really “WHAT THE F**K”!!!???
JC was evidently ‘quick to respond’. As you do. Do you? I don’t think so.
Anyway, here it is: “For a new plot, first see what is already growing! (really?).
Then go for some flowers and plants that attract bees and thus improve
pollination for everyone - lavender or comfrey good for bees. Best way to be
healthy is to get your hands dirty - in the soil!”
….”soil!”… “!”? …“get your hands dirty – in the soil!”!? Well, where else? Oh
dear oh dear oh dear. Do you suppose he tweeted those crucial detailed
instructions to her because he thought she was a revolutionary with her
surname? The New York Congresswoman is labelled the “First Lady of the Left”.
Surely JC is dancing round his allotment with flowers in his hair. Oops.
Dancing? Ha ha ha.
Mutual admiration here. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s response: “It was an honor
to share such a lovely and wide-reaching conversation with you,
“Also honored to share a great hope in the peace, prosperity, + justice that
everyday people can create when we uplift one another across class, race, +
identity both at home & abroad.”
Then, several tweets pointed out the enduring issues with anti-Semitism within
the Labour party.
Ocasio-Cortez responded to one commenter, saying “Thank you for bringing
this to me. We cannot + will not move forward without deep fellowship and
leadership with the Jewish community. I’ll have my team reach out.”
Anti-Semitism tearing the Labour party apart? No worries, eh Jeremy? Well,
Jewish Labour members have passed a vote of no confidence in JC at its
annual general meeting. It said it held JC “directly responsible”. The plot
“Anti-Semitic? My Jeremy Corbyn party? Is it? I’m at my allotment getting my
hands dirty – in soil don’t you know. I wouldn’t do that when I’m at my Labour
office. I don’t want my hands to get politically dirty and naturally I wear
gardening gloves to prevent any finger prints. Back to my massive Marxist
courgettes. Vegetables love me.”
Looking worse is The Sunday Times reported digging up the dirt (sorry) with
leaked internal documents revealing the party’s system for dealing with
complaints: inaction, delays and interference from JC’s office. His office
delayed or blocked at least 101 complaints with 454 of 863 unsolved. Hmm.
And what posts did they find from Labour members? Clue: not pretty. “Jews are
the problem”…one Labour official described Jewish MPs as “Zionist infiltrators”.
The Blame Game
Finally. It’s all over. New divorce laws now allow couples to end their relationship
without blame. So all that resentment, acrimony, bitterness, blame, hatred will be
irrelevant. Possibly, possibly not. But no longer trapped. Shame it couldn’t be
applied to the Brexit nightmare? Stating the obvious: still trapped in resentment,
acrimony, bitterness, blame, hatred.
What, Why, How
Hmm. I’m confused, living in an American parallel universe. Ok. OK. Admittedly
we live in the 51st state, but couldn’t we have five minutes of relief? OK. Two?
Unbearable enough is the endless coverage of The Donald and every breath he
takes, now the ‘American’ Booker Prize, now the Olivier winners and the very,
very worst… the American programme/film loving BBC has just gone too far this
time. Killing Eve shown in the US first – and – we will have to wait months.
Bloody hell! How dare they!? Ranting is so unsatisfying here. Outrageous.
Pathetic. What else? I’m screaming inside.
Having not watched the Olivier Awards, but having seen some of the winners and
what do we have? Summer and Smoke, All about Eve, Company, The
Inheritance, Caroline, or Change, Porgy and Bess, etc – erm – all American,
Endless brilliant British playwrights? Harold Pinter, Noel Coward, Alan Bennett,
David Hare, Mark Rylance, George Bernard Shaw, Tom Stoppard, Christopher
Marlowe, Oscar Wilde, Mike Leigh and that’s just for starters. Did I make the
Not enough? New British plays have received four stars. Wolfie, Grief is the
Thing with Feathers, Watching Edna so far.
Arthur Miller’s All My Sons and Death of a Salesman are imminent. Fiddler on
the Roof, Tina Turner, Gloria Estephan. Oh joy! Musicals. Argh!!! Or more
appropriately WTF!!! Must stop with more to arrive. Totally lost the will to go to
the theatre and the will to live simultaneously!
Pencil it in your diary, you have a year to go mental, mad, bonkers, whatever.
You choose. Oprah is waiting. Oprah’s here to help. Oprah – the queen of –
what exactly? The world? The universe? All that earnest, positivity, enthusiastic
self-help. Sigh. As you surely know, Harry has been employed to spread Oprah’
s words. Together O&H want you to ‘share’ your experiences. Soooo Oprah!
Clearly any mental illness is deeply serious, but Oprah and Harry teamed up?
Really? They will be partners, co-creators and executive producers on the series
set to launch in 2020, according to an Instagram post on Harry’s new official
Nothing to do with the new launch of AppleTV+…certainly not with plans for
Harry going ‘on camera’. How pathetic is this ratings rivalry? Holding breath until
2020 for Harry to sit down for a chat with chatshow queen.
Clearly written by Harry. Right. Laughing after drum roll, trumpets: “The dynamic
multi-part documentary series will focus on both mental illness and mental
wellness, inspiring viewers to have an honest conversation about the challenges
each of us faces, and how to equip ourselves with the tools to not simply survive,
but to thrive.”
“Our hope is that this series will be positive, enlightening and inclusive —
sharing global stories of unparalleled human spirit fighting back from the darkest
places, and the opportunity for us to understand ourselves and those around us
better. I am incredibly proud to be working alongside Oprah on this vital series.”
Will Oprah be attending the birth? Surely one of the godmothers.
Left Holding the Baby
No spoiler alert: H&MM will NOT tell all those sycophants and us who pay for
their privileged lives, privacy, ad inf when the baby arrives. A ‘f**k you’ to the
serfs? Never. Even if we don’t care, and we don’t, it is a royal baby. Hmm. Of
course she has a right to have ‘her’ baby anywhere, anyway, but it is really their
aggressive attitude – so annoying and definitely a ‘f**k you’ to the commoners.
Possibly time to relinquish all royal ties and move to LA – or Las Vegas for
Harry. Time for the Queen to step in and step on MM? Pathologically self-
absorbed, self-confident, self-centred, self-referential, self, self, self, self?
Never. Not our foot-stomping Meghan. Sad for the sad masses who just love
their LA Meghan. Assuming all – and there surely will be quite a crowd –
attending the royal birth will be forced to sign non-disclosure agreements.
Privacy don’t you know when you are a public figure.
It’s No Party
Gosh. Nastiness at party central? Noooo. Ex-Waity’s mum, Carole Middleton
and her Party Pieces may be in financial trouble, but evidently she adds to the
non-celebratory environment. Remember she did cancel Christmas, however
Scrooge doesn’t quite cover it.
Let’s start with clicking. She clicks her fingers when she is training her staff –
not her dogs…if she has any – well, staff left. Staff say she clicks her fingers to
get someone's attention - when she was under pressure – oh that explains it.
“Once she clicked her fingers wanting someone to come over to her desk, which
I thought was demeaning and unprofessional. I saw her doing it to others as
Then there are the emails. One employee received 71 emails from her in one
day! “She would expect us to respond to emails at seven or eight at night. And
they weren't simple – it would be her demanding, something to the effect of 'I
need you to do this and send it back to me tonight'”.
For some staff even the “sound of her Range Rover pulling up” outside the office
sets them “on edge”.
There is more? When staff arrive for work they are required to enter a personal
code into a computer logging their hours. OK so far, but - if there is anyone
falling short of their quota, Carole may have money deducted from their pay or
have them make up their hours.
Playground bullying alert: “If you disagreed with her then she would bestow her
favour on someone else, whomever happened to be flavour of the month. She
would go out for lunch with them and be very friendly towards them. You would
then find you were being cut out of emails that were within your speciality.”
Blimey! Clue: get another job!
“We would often go to Mike if something was wrong. He'd roll his eyes and as if
to say 'What has she done now?'”
‘Father figure’ Michael does the financial side of the business. He also picks up
the pieces. All right. Not literally…although…. He’s “a mediator in internal
disputes, a shoulder to cry on and a lovely bloke”.
Earlier this month it emerged that Party Pieces had laid off more staff amid fears
for its future. A company spokesman said its structure was being 'reviewed to
align with its financial targets'.
And Wills married Ex-Waity to ‘have a family’. Time to do a rethink here?