20 July 2019
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"You Talkin' ta Me"?

“Yo, Boris. Can I call you Al like your family? Come on, bro, we’re family now. I
voted for ya. So much in common, bro. Born in New York, sayin’ whatever we
can get away with, racism, our fab hair, your “flag-waving piccaninnies”, but
your “Fuck business.” Al. We need to talk. The chickens are packed up and
ready. Big business. And Al, word is you had elocution lessons at – where was
that place? Eatin? What a team we make. Huh? Womin here, womin there,
womin everywhere!
I’m up for sharing.”

A “gosh!” Is coming. Evidently Al/Boris was forced to deny he dyed his “I am my
hair” blond hair blond after Tory MP David Morris, note here, an ex-hairdresser,
noticed a green tinge recently. As you have when you dye/bleach your hair. Oh
Oh bottle-blond Boris.

The other night, to applause, Al/Boris explained his solution to the chlorinated
chicken question is to, erm, convince America to change its own regulations.
“We should use our negotiating leverage with the States.” Oh Boris. Boris. Boris.
All we can do is laugh. But only for the moment.


Suggestion: sit down (ha). Remember Boris and his zipwire escapade? That
photo opportunity? Of course we do. How could we have missed it? Well,
evidently we weren’t meant to. He, ever so self-effacing that Boris, predicted that
nobody would ever "
elect a prat who gets stuck on a zipwire". Hmm. Well, it was
all one of Boris’ attention getting stunts, but not as you would have assumed.

According to the two zipwire operators, Boris really had got 'accidentally' stuck
otherwise they would have had to shut the ride down immediately as it obviously
wouldn't have been safe. Ready? “He asked us to do it". Come on now:
making a prat of himself to become prime minister
. Makes you proud, doesn’t it?
And as you surely know by now, everything – this requires repeating –
everything!!! Is choreographed, premeditated, scripted, memorised by
‘bumbling’ spontaneous, gaff-prone Al.

Experts’ reality check for Boris: “Any trade agreement USG strikes requires
implementing legislation passed through both houses of Congress. There is
zippo possibility of any trade agreement struck with the US this summer entering
into force before 31 October.” ‘Zippo’ Al. Entitlement only goes so far, Al.

Just to add a bit of reassurance, the leader of the Labour group of the London
Assembly, Len Duvall, said Boris thought of
politics “as a hobby” during his time
spent at City Hall. “He… left others to do the grunt work.” Oh as if we are
surprised! Reeeeeallly!

“Grunt work” then? Left to others? Hmm. Such as men delivering his new prime
ministerial bed to share with his newest girlfriend – paid for by us. How does that
work exactly? The money bit that is. Not rich enough, eh Al…?

The media will report on the two blonds until we collectively lose the will to live -
utterly. We can only hope Al is revealed as the quintessence of ‘
the emperor’s
new clothes
’. Don’t let that intention rumpled look fool you as we know, he is no
fool, but his fans clearly are.

Bully for You

It’s all about to get even worse. ‘Is that possible’ you don’t even ask. When Brexit
Secretary Stephen Barclay travelled to Brussels last week for private talks with
Michel Barnier, officially the trip was “to keep channels open.” Oh oops. SB
forgot. The Times’ Bruno Waterfield reported that ‘what sounded like there was
blood on the walls’ when SB told Barnier that the withdrawal agreement was dead
—five times!!!!! ”An obviously shocked EU diplomat told Waterfield. “If this is
what is coming, then we will be heading for no deal very quickly.”

Waterfield wrote: “According to various sources — (SB) took an approach
described as
brutal, bullying, bad tempered and confrontational. One senior
diplomat close to the negotiations said it was
the most hostile encounter in three
since the Brexit referendum, adding that SB had seemed to ‘tear up the
previously constructive approach taken by Theresa May.'”

The diplomat goes on: “It worked like a megaphone, but it has hardened
attitudes. It is not the smart thing to do if a new prime minister is serious about
getting a withdrawal agreement across the line.” Oh those Tories are too clever
by half.  And how did our Brexit Secretary Steve Barclay respond? ‘
He laughed
with utter contempt
’ at Hammond’s warning that the economy would suffer a
£90bn hit, saying that was a ‘selective’ use of figures in a government analysis.
Oh are we certain we don’t want Stevie for PM? Think of all the damage he could
do. Brexiteers’ dream.

European Commission vice president Frans Timmermans has told the BBC’s
Panorama programme that he expected British Brexit negotiators to be ‘brilliant’
– but ‘then the first time I saw public utterances by David Davis... I thought ‘Oh
my God, they haven’t got a plan, they haven’t got a plan’. That was really
shocking frankly, because the damage if you don’t have a plan – you know, we
see it – time’s running out and you don’t have a plan, it’s like Lance Corporal
Jones – you know, “don’t panic, don’t panic,”
running around like idiots.’ No
comment necessary….

Coup de Force

Labour chaos continues and clearly will ad nauseum, ad infinitum. What the hell
are they doing? Or rather not doing? Break the rules, carry Jezza off to his
allotment, toss him his Lenin cap, lock him in his shed. End of. Then install Keir
Starmer. See how easy that was? OK. OK. Dreaming, but watching Labour
imploding is actually a
terror-filled nightmare.

‘dark forces at work’, the US and it’s frenzied fear of socialism has
US secretary of state Mike Pompeo (one of our favourites – joking obviously)
recently claiming that the US “won’t wait for [Jezza]” to get into power before
seeking to undermine him. Was he just saying? Or possibly….

A new advert in the
Guardian is accusing JC of “having failed the test of
leadership” over the anti-Semitism issue. The 20 page advert, signed by 64
Lords including a dozen former ministers, said thousands have resigned their
membership “because of
the toxic culture you have allowed to divide our
movement… Labour is no longer a safe place for all members”. That didn’t end it.

At Theresa’s penultimate PMQs, she read out bits of the message on anti-
Semitism saying: “This is your legacy. You still haven’t opened your eyes. You
still haven’t told the whole truth. You still haven’t accepted your responsibility.
You have failed the test of leadership.” Ouch! Labour peers will meet on Monday
to decide whether to hold a vote of confidence in Jeremy Corbyn. Hold on to
your Lenin caps.

Mouthing Off

Is that Nige’s lizard-like mouth moving? Of course it is. Oh let’s not go there.
When does Nige stop talking? N  e   v   e   r…

What now? What this minute? Nige has said the European Parliament had been
humbled and humiliated” by the process which led to Ms von der Leyen’s
nomination by the European Council.

And he claimed that she was leading an attempt for the EU to become a
“centralised, undemocratic,
updated form of communism” and she was a
“fanatic for building a European army”. Huh? Isn’t that Macron’s army wish?
Confused eh Nige? Or just another opportunity to do your shouty rant? My God
the little man is just so annoying!

Nige went on: “In some ways I’m really rather pleased, because you have just
made Brexit a lot more popular in the UK, thank God we are leaving.”

Not allowing the moving-mouth rant to go on, Ms von der Leyen, (the German
defence minister) responded simply by saying it was important to continue to
work with the British “but I think, Mr Farage, we can probably do without what
you have got to say here”. Oh really. What’s not to love here!? Disregarding all
the dubious affairs connected to her. No. Not romance.

Over the Moon

All the US to the moon celebratory coverage, the crucial role of the British has
been totally ignored. But it would be wouldn’t it. Not only a few hundred British
engineers and scientists, specifically 17 involved, and the
most crucial was
British scientist
Tom Bacon who was a key member of the Marshall Group at
Cambridge University which developed fuel cell technology. Wait. Come back.
Fuel cell technology: a device which takes a source of fuel and mixes it with
oxygen to convert a chemical energy into an electrical energy. See. That wasn’t
so difficult was it? The advantages of converting the chemical into an electrical
energy makes it more energy efficient and cheaper. Oh, and the actual fuel cell
was first invented in 1839 by Welsh inventor Sir William Robert Grove.

A few deserving details. Mr Bacon was the first to develop a fuel cell powered by
hydrogen-oxygen – which was unfathomably more powerful than its
predecessors. Yes! Very impressive. And the point here is? The key component
in powering the rockets, now called the Bacon Cell, took humans to the Moon.
Mr Bacon noted the occasion as then President Nixon put his arm around his
shoulder and said: “Tom, without you we would not have gotten to the moon.”
Applause for the genius.

Right Royal

Another week, another Harry&MM story. Wait. What happened to them going off
to Africa to save lions? You must know, they have that new charity, Sussex
Potatoes. Oh oops. Yes, we all know what has been said: reminds people of
Jersey Royal potatoes.

Those who know and worked with, among the royals have said H&MM “just don’t
take advice”. No! Really? “Both are ‘headstrong’”. I think we have more
appropriate expressions.

Journalist Andrew Morton, remember him? defended MM for choosing to do
things by her own rules – oh pleeeeassse!, but warned that she may
have “gone
nuclear” too soon
. Her way or no way clearly. Clue: it’s the Royal family, not an
insignificant TV show. Curiously MM was a ‘3rd-rate-actress’ and is now a 3rd-
rate-royal. Oh dear. Not quite the plan, but her newly acquired celebrity best-
friends are falling all over her.
Invites to tea incentive perhaps? More publicity
perhaps. Never!

Morton continued. “She’s a new player and she’s been quick out the starting
box. Megan’s A-list celebrity friends,
the court of Meghan, is a very voluble court
and they’re very powerful.” Amal Clooney? Huh? A-list?

At the Lion King premiere, sycophantic Pharrell Williams he gave his blessing.
Oh Gooodddd! Save us!

"So happy for your union. Love is amazing. It's wonderful.” Is it? “Don't ever
take that for granted but what it means in today's climate, I just wanted to tell you
it's so significant for so many of us. Seriously.
We cheer you guys on." Erm.
Really? “So significant for so many of us”? How exactly? Oh let’s just go for the
unavoidable gagging reflex here.

MM is said to have looked ‘humbled’ by Pharrell’s words and replied: "Thank
you, they don't make it easy." And looked around for an award?

The ‘they’ not those out of control fans climbing all over the empty seats at
Wimbledon to get photos of her when she was cheering her new bestie,
Serena?! Apparently MM did it her way. Apparently
she made a "massive faux
pas" by going to see Serena and not staying to watch Andy Murray afterwards.
Not that you would want to watch “anyone but England” – however, with ‘Brit’
Andy on Court 1 afterwards she refused to follow royal protocol to watch him
play for England. Oh dear oh dear. Well, sources swear she was “a nightmare”
at Wimbledon.
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