Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
The X Factor-Y - 13 December 2009

pub, order on line, have a bath.

After 2 1/2 months of off-key boring voices all vying for super stardom. Yes. Simon Cowell’s
cash cow is finally over – for this year.

“I want to be famous. I want to be a pop star. I want to be an
international pop star. I want
millions of pounds and fans. I want flashbulbs blinding me every time I step out of my blackened-
window limo. I want handlers, PAs, bodyguards, sycophants, drugs, debauchery, branding. I
want my own soft furry white kittens. I want I want I want I want.”

And the singing? It seemed irrelevant because the contestants couldn’t sing – very well.  No “I’d
die without being able to sing.” No “Music is my life.” No “I live to sing.” They could belt it out (so
boring really) but they couldn’t carry the tune and even when belting there was seriously no
originality, no cool sounds. But my god. Save us from those bloody backing dancers. Brian
Friedman go home. Skimpy costumes, hysterical gyrations and hair swinging. Arghhhh. I wanted
to pull my hair out – but I didn’t want my Beyonce extentions to leave bald patches with Xmas
party pressure and all. Why can’t the star-wannabes simply sing, do a little dance, smash the
microphone, set the stage on fire….

Next time round star-maker Simon wants ITV to pour masses more money into the X Factor-y
venue as it keeps churning out ‘pop stars’. Good god. The show is already so over-produced it’s
gag-making. Clearly Cowell believes more lights, camera, action will distract from the lack of
manufactured talent. If he doesn’t get what he wants (when doesn’t he?) he has threatened to
take his enormous screens, fireworks, laser show, choir and Susan Boyle
home.

Almost 20 million people spent a small fortune on their favourite super-pop-star-to-be while
sitting on their sofa waiting for pizza delivery. The real advantage is that with that extra £100
million ITV will be able to produce thrilling crime dramas and entertaining programmes

Cowell is about to go into politics. Manipulation, money, spin, arrogance – no surprises then –
merely a continuation of X Factor. Ironically, it could be quite engaging. Certainly more so than 2
months of 2 nights a week of “My life will be ruuuuuined if I don’t reach the finals”…”I’ve wanted
this all my life and it will be ruined if I don’t reach the finals.”  Oh please. Do let it.