Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
Because I'm Worth It - 30th September 2010

There were the Inside Soap Awards this week and then there were the Labour Conference Soap
Awards featuring the usual soap artifice:  manipulation, ruthlessness, lies, betrayal, cunning,
deceit, drama.

Ed Miliband won. His ‘elder’ brother David lost. The audience was clearly prepared to hand the
award to David who was ready to spring up onto the stage to thank his ‘younger’ brother for his
unwavering love and support. But like all good soap plots, there was a twist; the Rubik’s Cube
wiz (1 minute 20 seconds with his teeth) who had entered the race late, had shrewdly, secretly
secured the union barons’ vote to win by the thinness of a £20 note the position deemed David’s.
David was the front-runner until the union stepped in to secure their future strikes – which now
have been vigorously discouraged by Ed in his acceptance speech. Oh the treachery.

The endless emphasis wasn’t on the Blairite-David vs the Brownite-Ed, it was between the
elder
brother vs the
younger brother. No policy, clearly Cain vs Abel (reversed) and it was all so
biblical.

Best Exit: David in a purple V-neck sweater and matching purple shirt, followed by a floral out-of-
trousers Paul Smith shirt. No geek, David.

Best Drama: the gasp from the audience when the winner was announced.

Best Wedding: the one that probably won’t happen between Ed and his partner. He isn’t even
acknowledged on his son’s birth certificate.

Best Dramatic Performance: David. With eyes like thunder reflecting seething rage, David was
filmed asking Labour's deputy leader Harriet Harman: "You voted for it (the Iraq war Ed was now
denouncing), why are you clapping?" A taken aback Miss Harman acidly responded: “I’m
clapping because he is the leader, and as you know, I’m supporting him.”

Best Actor: Ed. Ed-the-younger who doesn’t think David-the-elder is ‘infuriated’. “I don’t think so
at all.” Thousands of times he professed his undying love for his brother. “My love for David is
very, very deep and his for me too.” There was enough ‘love’ reiterated throughout the
conference for any witnesses to promptly develop disabling diabetes.

Best Actress: leadership loser Diane Abbott pontificating on anything.

Best Young Actor: Ed again. The 40 year old is the ‘new generation’, repeated 20 times in his
you’re-putting-me-to-sleep acceptance speech. Yawn.

Best Stunt: Ed’s immediate rejection of the union after their collective support.

Sexiest Male: there weren’t any.

Funniest Performance: Ed again. He looks curiously like a Wallace & Gromit  character in a suit...
sans the charm and love of cheese.

Best plot line: Ruthless younger brother usurps power by means of the archetypal sibling
betrayal and destroys the considered career of his elder brother...as you do.

The future plots thicken. Ed the Ruthless may be about to whip out the bloodied butcher knife
and stab the ever-loyal also candidate, Ed Balls in the back. He is said to be ready to choose
Balls’ wife, Yvette Cooper over Balls for the coveted position of shadow Chancellor. Ouch. “It is
family that is most important. It’s the basis of all life’s values.” David the Elder’s wife, Louise
Shackleton, is said to be ‘beyond fury’. Ah, those family values, Ed. Surely we are about to see
illicit affairs, rent boys/prostitutes, blackmail, violence, drugs, double dealings, punch ups,
revenge, fratricide; the usual soap story lines. Stay tuned.