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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
What? Me Worry? 19 September 2006
How could I have failed to notice this? Big ears, Cheshire-cat grin, tousled hair. Tony Blair and
Alfred E Newman, humour magazine MAD’s official mascot - separated at birth - until now. Tony
has developed a distinctive, unmistakable ‘W’ right in the middle of his forehead. This mark of
zorro extends from his eyebrows to his hairline. What? Me worry? Well. Yes.
Dr Patrick Bowler, head of the British Association of Cosmetic Doctors and author of The
Nervous Girl’s Guide to Nip and Tuck said: “My advice to Blair would be to resign tomorrow.” He’
s certainly not the only one expressing that sentiment. The W wrinkles are a sign of a “serious”
level of stress, he cautioned. What is that heavy breathing at the gate? Oh, it’s only PM in-
waiting, Gordon (Brown), drooling. “What happens is your body can cope with the stress and
strain for a few years, and then it lets go, and you begin to age rapidly. I’ve seen that happen to
Blair in the last two years – he has aged rapidly. Blair is the perfect candidate to have Botox. He
could have it done for as little as £200…I don’t think people will notice.” They will now.
The Sunday Times reports that Blair is known to take great pains over his appearance. Last year
it emerged that he had spent £1,800 of taxpayers’ money on make-up since he took office. He is
also rumoured to use foundation on his face during prime minister’s questions in the Commons.
Shouldn’t this be a sort of perk that comes with the position? Ivory or beige? Origins or Dior?
Matte, mousse, day-to-night? Triple points from Boots,Tony? Concealer anyone?
Overlooking the cover up, the oh so obvious W references can not be ignored: George W,
double you, Dubaya, Dub’ya. “Wass-up, Dubaya?” “Yo! Blair! Wass-up wif you, Boy?” Have they
formed a clandestine covenant based on their religious fundamentalism? Oops. They already did
that: Iraq. Is 666 now obsolete? Is this W a replacement for the Asian red dot of devotion?
Who, What, Where, When? If the outside is an expression of the inside: Won? War? Wishing?
Wilful? A metaphor for: Witless? Wally? Wimpy? Wet? Wanker? Washed up?
Apparently ToyPoodleTony isn’t the only worried man. Lionel Richie is very worried. “I live with
the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana.” Stop all life. Wwwhat?
At the risk of being boring, I’ll simply have to repeat that statement to myself – several times.
Princess Diana? Does Lionel know something we don’t know? Charles is divorcing Camilla and
has Westminster Abbey booked for his wedding with Nicole? Nicole is going to be involved in a
conspiracy that implicates Parisian pathology? Nicole is going to be stripped of her royal title and
thus bodyguards, making her vulnerable to death in tunnels? Nicole has begun to hear voices and
channels the deceased Diana? Lionel should be worried…very worried. We know Tony is.
How could I have failed to notice this? Big ears, Cheshire-cat grin, tousled hair. Tony Blair and
Alfred E Newman, humour magazine MAD’s official mascot - separated at birth - until now. Tony
has developed a distinctive, unmistakable ‘W’ right in the middle of his forehead. This mark of
zorro extends from his eyebrows to his hairline. What? Me worry? Well. Yes.
Dr Patrick Bowler, head of the British Association of Cosmetic Doctors and author of The
Nervous Girl’s Guide to Nip and Tuck said: “My advice to Blair would be to resign tomorrow.” He’
s certainly not the only one expressing that sentiment. The W wrinkles are a sign of a “serious”
level of stress, he cautioned. What is that heavy breathing at the gate? Oh, it’s only PM in-
waiting, Gordon (Brown), drooling. “What happens is your body can cope with the stress and
strain for a few years, and then it lets go, and you begin to age rapidly. I’ve seen that happen to
Blair in the last two years – he has aged rapidly. Blair is the perfect candidate to have Botox. He
could have it done for as little as £200…I don’t think people will notice.” They will now.
The Sunday Times reports that Blair is known to take great pains over his appearance. Last year
it emerged that he had spent £1,800 of taxpayers’ money on make-up since he took office. He is
also rumoured to use foundation on his face during prime minister’s questions in the Commons.
Shouldn’t this be a sort of perk that comes with the position? Ivory or beige? Origins or Dior?
Matte, mousse, day-to-night? Triple points from Boots,Tony? Concealer anyone?
Overlooking the cover up, the oh so obvious W references can not be ignored: George W,
double you, Dubaya, Dub’ya. “Wass-up, Dubaya?” “Yo! Blair! Wass-up wif you, Boy?” Have they
formed a clandestine covenant based on their religious fundamentalism? Oops. They already did
that: Iraq. Is 666 now obsolete? Is this W a replacement for the Asian red dot of devotion?
Who, What, Where, When? If the outside is an expression of the inside: Won? War? Wishing?
Wilful? A metaphor for: Witless? Wally? Wimpy? Wet? Wanker? Washed up?
Apparently ToyPoodleTony isn’t the only worried man. Lionel Richie is very worried. “I live with
the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana.” Stop all life. Wwwhat?
At the risk of being boring, I’ll simply have to repeat that statement to myself – several times.
Princess Diana? Does Lionel know something we don’t know? Charles is divorcing Camilla and
has Westminster Abbey booked for his wedding with Nicole? Nicole is going to be involved in a
conspiracy that implicates Parisian pathology? Nicole is going to be stripped of her royal title and
thus bodyguards, making her vulnerable to death in tunnels? Nicole has begun to hear voices and
channels the deceased Diana? Lionel should be worried…very worried. We know Tony is.
