LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
4 May 2017
Words Fail        

Except for: evil, vile, shocking horrific hatred   
Words that don’t fail: brilliant bravery, instant response, heroic efforts


MAYDAY Mayhem  

This is why Theresa is the best choice for Brexit negotiations: “It’s up to the
President of the United States to decide what position the United States is going
to take on this matter” – the ‘matter’ being his pulling out of the Paris Agreement.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No laughing matter is it?

Theresa said she rang The Donald after his decision was announced.

“Oh Donny, it’s me, Theresa.”

“Huh?”

“Me, Theresa, your special relationship, your special friend.”

“Huh?”

“We held hands – remember?”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Oh yes, Mr President. I do.”

“It’s me-time now. The hour I spend in front of the mirror. They are polishing
right now. Gotta go.”

“Oh, Donny. Me as well. We have so much in common.  Hello. Hello.”

It is estimated that US withdrawal would add up to 3bn tonnes of extra carbon
dioxide to the atmosphere every year, by itself raising the global temperature by
0.1-0.3C by the end of the century. Aligning the UK with the US is such an
obvious move on subservient Theresa’s part, but will prove to be totally
devastating for limitless reasons. Oh say, Brexit negotiations….

French President Macron issued an invitation on live television to American
climate scientists to relocate to France.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha is the audience reaction - seven times (as reported, I
didn't count, but did like it) - when Theresa was spewing – I know, I could have
said spouting, but then there is that twisted mouth thing going on – platitudes.
Authentic the woman isn’t.

To Paxman: “Jeremy…Jeremy...Jeremy…Jeremy…” You can fill in the rest:
Theresa-on-tape.

Suits Theresa to a T: thick-tricky-Teflon-Tory-toff -trousers-on-fire-U-turning-
terrible-on-telly Theresa. OK, OK. Admittedly I am passed the point of sanity with
this election.

So if you were one of the 2.5 million who bothered to tune in to watch Jeremy
Paxman’s attempt at torturing the two candidates, you saw him interrupt and
interrupt and interrupt – Corbyn 41 times. Theresa 34. Hmmmm. Not biased
then? Not just saying. Outrageous really. Ironically he made Corbyn look good,
despite Paxman’s obsession with his past. Hmmmm. Affable, authentic
regardless of how you feel about Corbyn personally. Quelle relief.

Brittle veneer? Opaque? Leadership material? At the end of the day, what is
curious, or disturbing, is that Theresa has never once that we have been witness
to, dropped her façade, persona, mask whatever you choose to call it; the
woman never appears – normal. A normal person, a recognisable person.
Robotic. How appropriate. She won’t need to be replaced by one.

And the BBC debate sans Theresa? Theresa sent Home Secretary, Amber
Rudd, in her place – whose father had just died 48 hours ago. Must we mention
Theresa’s compassionate Christian values – again?! Nice touch, Theresa.
Corbyn decided to attend last minute – and invited Theresa to the dance. Clever
- if it was in fact. All we heard repeated was “where’s Theresa?”  in various ways
and it wasn’t pretty.

If that wasn’t enough, we had a Sky news debate featuring a studio audience
asking questions. Question: why are middle-aged men always Tories? Did I say
not terribly attractive at that? Well, I just did.

Notice, Theresa refused to be on the stage at the same time as Jeremy; no
surprise. Clue: coward. Admittedly I am worried about my sanity. I couldn’t turn
her off. I couldn’t tune her out. I was mesmerised by her non-stop, forty-five
minutes of platitudes, clichés, inanities, banalities – I wanted it to stop. I wanted
to stop. I need help. I knew she would never respond to the questions really, I
knew she would be robotic, I knew there would be no difference in her
demeanour, no hint of humanity. I am now thinking she is autistic. Well, Paul
Mason did ask if she was “unwell”. Now we all need help.

We’ve had moi, moi, moi…strong and stable…difficult woman. What’s coming
next? Not much time to get those mind-numbing mantras out there, Theresa. Nick
(Timothy), oh you know, the Nick ‘n Fiona (Hill) act orchestrating Theresa’s
totally misjudged campaign, who has been held responsible for the disastrous
‘dementia tax’ has more brilliant ideas surely. So where has Lynton been? When
‘Brexit’ is repeated every two a half minutes, you’ll know he’s baaaackkkkk.

The consolation when she wins? The Tories will hate her. She will have failed to
deliver her massive majority she alone promised. Oh well. A smiling or winking
emoji here. Your choice.

Veteran BBC host of Question Time, David Dimbleby, has accused the “lazy
pessimism” of the media’s election coverage for Corbyn for not giving him a “fair
deal”. Dimbleby will host the BBC’s election night coverage.

For those who are ‘undecided’, two suggestions to help. One: she doesn’t like
music. Now that is serious, really serious, really. Two: she could follow her own
vision for Jeremy, finding herself “alone and naked in the negotiating chamber
of the European Union.” Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!


Help

Oh dear. Wills and Ex-Waity are sans housekeeper – don’t panic – it’s only for
a short time surely. Ex-Waity ironing Will’s shirts? Indeed.

The now ex after only two years, Sadie Rice, was reportedly being paid £35,000
and has said to be quitting over their increasing demands, not the salary.

Ms Rice was an ‘all round’ maid at Anmer Hall, tasks included cleaning, the
laundry, shopping, and “some cooking” in the 10 bedroom 18th-century country
house.

An inside source from Sandringham (the Queen’s favourite holiday home) said
she was “a hard worker”, but the job is simply too much.

Ex-Waity hired her in 2015, while she had lived with the Norwegian Royal Family
for five years and previous to that, the Queen at the Buckingham Palace as a
maid. The Queen is said to be fond of her.

“They wanted her to spend more time at Kensington Palace and her work was
increasing all the time. She wasn’t having a normal life outside work. Sadie’s
serving her notice and it seems nothing will change her mind. It’s their loss.
They will regret losing Sadie as the right people aren’t easy to find.” And yes,
you remember how ‘difficult’ Ex-Waity is said to be with her staff…the right
person may not exist. Oh oops. Where is that iron?


Bayeux in Box

For £2,000 you can now own and display a flat-packed reproduction of the
Bayeux Tapestry. You know, Norman Conquest – story of. It will be 60 per cent
of the original size, a limited edition – only 480 copies are available -
‘meticulously reproduced as a single image’ scroll of 43 metres, in a custom-
built box. And the original, if your history has faded (I know), was commissioned
by Bishop Odo, William’s half-brother in the 1070s. Just what you’ve always
wanted. Perhaps not for Brexiteers.


Toe Curling

Yes, yes, we’ve all seen that posted image of CallMeDave and SamCam,
specifically their touching toes, toe to toe. And no, the image is not ‘touching’ in
that sweet romantic kind of way. The man has no shame – clearly. Anniversary
holidaying in Spain, now that he doesn’t have to be politically correct in
Cornwall, although we are missing his socks-with-sandals look. One word:
referendum. Thanks, Dave. Enjoy that touching holiday.
Contact Us