LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
6 June 2015
Waving, Not Drowning
          
The Queen makes a joke…and it wasn’t about her reported demise. The Queen
was helping to celebrate the Women's Institute's (WI) 100th year and was given
the honour of cutting the commemorative cake; a large fruit cake. Things didn’t
go quite to plan.

Clearly the Queen was struggling to cut through the dense cake with what looked
like a too small knife. ‘A tense moment’ ensured. Finally Princess Anne stepped
in to assist.

The Queen responded to the embarrassing dilemma; she told the crowd she
knew it was a fruit cake as it was "so difficult to cut" and pretended to grimace
and struggle with her ceremonial knife. Sweet. Princess Anne joined in the joke
by giving the knife a jokey wiggle as she attempted to cut through the cake.

FYI: the WI was formed a year into the First World War, encouraging women to
become more involved in producing food to combat German naval blockades.

When BBC reporter, Ahmen Khawaja, working for the BBC Urdu service,
initiated a global media frenzy on Tuesday, she mistakenly tweeted that the
Queen was dead. Oops.

She tweeted that the 89-year-old queen had been taken to London’s King
Edward 7th Hospital. A second tweet announced: “Queen Elizabrth [sic] has
died.” American NBC News alerted Buckingham Palace. A spokesman said that
the Queen was not only alive but out and about, carrying out public
engagements. Actually, as it happens, the Queen was visiting that very hospital
for a routine check-up. Ms Khawaja tweeted: “False Alarm. Have deleted
previous tweets!!”

Ms Khawaja initially said it was a joke. “Phone left unattended at home. Silly
prank. Apologies for upsetting anyone!” No reports of the Queen rolling on the
floor laughing.

Clearly an inadvertent ‘what if’ if not ‘when’ practice tweet. Actually the BBC had
planned ‘a low-key rehearsal’ for a ‘category one death’ which is reserved for
the senior royals. Evidently Ms Khawaja wasn’t involved in the ‘rehearsal’.

Such arrangements include a ‘codename’ in regards to the Queen. It’s ‘Bridge’.
Now you would have never guessed that would you? Not ‘The Bridge’ (I know,
that brilliant Nordic Noir series) but simply ‘Bridge’. ‘The bridge to nowhere’
then? ‘Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated’ and ‘We are not
amused’.

Unintelligible tweets from the Palace and then - media alert! Baby pics! ‘Proud
mummy’ pushes button. Clapping and cheering mandatory here. ‘Proud’
mummy – and exactly how do we know that?

Apparently Ex-Waity is a photographer. Who knew she did anything ever? Well,
the royal PR machine has offered several pictures of baby George and baby
Charlotte. Curiously it is obviously professionally staged and lit. Gosh. Ex-W is a
genius. Oh dear. Referenced as ‘sporty’ at school and we know what that is a
euphemism for. So, possibly not. Now did she send the tweets or did George?


Get Off My Cloud!

How surprised were you when you read that Kate Moss ‘suggested’…alright
demanded that BBC Tory-sycophant Andrew Marr give her his seat. And it
wasn't on a bus. Cue: laugh here. It was in a North London café.

“I don’t give a monkey’s that you had a stroke. I need to sit down and I want to
sit exactly where you’re sitting. So up and out. Now, old man!” Are we assuming
a lot here that she possibly wasn’t as legless as she seems to be normally.

“I…I...I….”

“Up! Now!”

55 year-old Marr told the Evening Standard: "[She] slightly pushed me and said,
“Can I have your seat? You’ve been there a while and I need to sit down”. Oh.
She can speak then. It’s the fact that she actually gave him a little push. Gosh.

“I was going to say: “You’re probably Kate Moss.” And then I thought, “No, I
won't say that because clearly you are Kate Moss and that’s a really irritating
thing to say.” So I said nothing at all.” Gosh.

"She didn’t push me out of my chair exactly, I’d finished my coffee and she
made it clear that it was time for people who had finished their coffee to vacate
the rare seat in the sunshine." Gosh.

KM is clearly on a role. Last month she stole the show when she took over the
DJing booth at a friend’s birthday party. She entered - not a push or shove
involved? - the booth of 'Fat Tony' who was DJing at Sam McKnight's 60th
Birthday Party at Tramp in London. Charming. How old is she exactly? Oh you
know I know and so do you. Too old to be an idiot possibly…but then
again…everybody is in collective agreement that she is queen…in a manner of
speaking….


Mr Grey Will See You Now

No he won’t. EL James’ latest potentially million-selling third totally crap book is
ready for those millions of sad, sad women who read the unreadable. Kill me
now.

Queue up. It’s scheduled for release on June 18 and if you didn’t know (and
obviously neither did I) it’s Christian’s birthday. Tasteless, tawdry, tacky? Oh
surely not. Will women be holding release-date-birthday parties? Oh I do so
hope not.

The waiting world can finally get some satisfaction (pause for moment of
repulsion) when those who could possibly care get some intimate understanding
of his perverse self. The thrill awaits.


Seen and Shouldn’t Be Heard

"Women have the attention span of a gnat." Hmmm. Who is responsible for this
revelatory moment? Any man in mind? Why it was a boy. Really. So
precocious. So unpleasant. So, so ludicrously stupid.

Why it was none other than “calm down dear” himself, PM CallMeDave as a
school boy. At the time of his pronouncement he was talking to the mother of a
friend. So. His arrogance, entitlement, misogyny started at a young age. And
you thought he was clever and classy. Surely you couldn’t have, unless you
voted him in. Now really….

Charlotte Church has pronounced Dave “a misogynist” when she announced
her support for a major march against planned Government cuts later this month.
CC said she has only met CallMeDave once at a meeting of anti-phone hacking
campaigners. He was “gross, really misogynistic”. Oh dear. Not Dave.

She said: “It was me and Jacqui Hames sitting next to him, and he was sort of
like, anything that me and Jacqui said ... all of the men were sat opposite him -
Hugh Grant, Brian Cathcart.

“He was sat opposite them and me and Jacqui Hames were put either side of
him for the photo opportunity - I can deal with all of that even though we have a
long way to go in gender politics.

“But he was so dismissive – if either of us said [anything], it really irked me.”
At least he didn’t tell her to ‘calm down, dear’ – to her face that is. But as Dave
actually disregarded her - no need.

Ah politicians. What’s not to love. SNP MP, former first minster Alex Salmond
has described a female minister as "demented" and told her to "behave yourself,
woman" during a debate in the Commons. Shocked? Surely.

During a debate on select committees Mr Salmond appeared irritated when
Small Business minister and his senior in parliament, Anna Soubry, interrupted
and asked him to "move on".

"The Treasury bench should behave better in these debates, she should be
setting an example to your new members not cavorting about like some
demented junior minister – behave yourself, woman." “Move on”? Where’s Kate
when a man requires a little shove – or in his case, a big shove. Or better still:
Nicola Sturgeon.

Alex Salmond has apparently condoned and encouraged pathetically puerile,
rude, inappropriate behaviour, Parliamentarian rule-breaking by the new
Scottish MPs in the Commons. Boozy fights, seat-stealing, selfies, ad inf. One
Scottish PM: “We are the third party and we will make sure the House sees
that”. Nicola Sturgeon promised to pursue ‘grown-up politics’. Good luck.
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