LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
4 June 2016
Watch Your Back  

PM CallMeDave’s new best friend, newly elected London Mayor Sadiq is now: a
“proud Muslim”. Sadiq was: “This man supports IS”. More disgraceful remarks
Dave made at Prime Minister’s Questions: “It is right to question your
judgement." Awkward? Not if you’re duplicitous Dave. Dave continuously slated
Sadiq in an appalling manner in an effort to prevent him from winning the
election. Sorry, Dave.  A shame you’re not.

Now it’s all back-pats and air-kisses. OK. Not the kisses as Sadiq backs the
Remain campaign. ‘Back’-pats – I know – but Dave did a bit of that in that
condescending way of his.

“In one generation someone who is a proud Muslim, a proud Brit and a proud
Londoner can become mayor of the greatest city on earth. That says something
about our country.” What exactly, Dave? It says a lot about you, Dave – and it
isn’t something to be proud of. Let’s try entitled hypocrite or perhaps disdainful
bully or what about pompous toff? I know. All of the above and so much more.

Why wasn’t it 10 April when CMD said: “It is very important we do not back
these people and do not appear on platform with these people. I have to say I
am concerned about Labour’s candidate for the Mayor of London”? ‘These’
people, Dave? ‘These’ people?

Dave just can’t hide his contempt for ‘these’ people can he? Rhetorical of
course. When Sadiq asked the crowd if it was aware of his background - yes
his father was a bus driver – David smirked appropriately for his position in
society and mentioned his father was a stockbroker – yes we all knew that. Point
scored?

When on BBC Radio 4 he chose The Smiths’ 1983 hit “This Charming Man” as
one of his Desert Island Discs. No one believes that. But no one believes
anything CMD says. Was he was referencing himself?

‘I would go out tonight
But I haven't got a stitch to wear
This man said "it's gruesome
That someone so handsome should care"
La, la-la, la-la, la-la, this charming man
Oh, la-la, la-la, la-la, this charming man’

‘Handsome’ (ha), ‘charming’ (ha) Dave could always wear black tie couldn’t he?
The Smiths…ha!


Who Left the Lights On?

Meanwhile, Sadiq has plans to put a £20m permanent light installation which will
span the Thames’ 17 bridges. Brilliant! We love this already!

The Mayor has asked the brightest (naturally) creative minds to produce a plan
for The Illuminated River. This will be the world’s largest public light installation,
extending from Albert Bridge in Chelsea to Tower Bridge.

After dark the world’s longest free, permanent outdoor river gallery will create a
‘ribbon of light’ through the city along the river’s banks. We love it even more!
The world’s leading artists, architects, designers, engineers and technologists
will work together on the £20m project. We love Sadiq already!


Music to Your Ears

M&S has decided to save us from having to cover ourselves with double 10.4 tog
duvets while shopping. Thank you M&S. They have faced the music and thus
stopped the music. Well, music? Was it really? Nooo.

Customers complained. M&S listened and clearly heard the ‘music’ they were
forcing their customers to suffer with. Thank you M&S. Now let’s get rid of those
‘mumsy’ outfits and replace them with modern or gasp – even cool. However,
M&S is planning to ‘listen to’ the archetypal ‘Mrs M&S’. A Mrs M&S who is 50
and beyond. This is not promising is it? I see purple, loads of purple. Argh! But
surely aren’t they the very ones who would want to be lulled into a coma with
Muzak?

Will other retailers follow? It’s doubtful. Top shop destroys our precious cilia at
83.8 dB. This is the same as a diesel lorry being driven at 40 MPH. Get out of
the way! H&M hits 79.3 dB as you flip through those ‘up to’ 50% off racks. The
Apple Store on Regent Street prevents “I’m having a problem with…”
conversations at 81.9 dB. While Uniqlo plays good techno and it’s not blasting
out of 90 speakers. So far.

Retailers are convinced their musical choices influence us to shop until we drop
- cash. Hmmm. It’s so irritating all you want to do is leave the store. They are
convinced it is science-based.

Loud, upbeat is supposed to make you shoppers move around the store faster
and make quicker decisions. Slower makes you less irritated at the endless
queues. Wrong. Nothing could prevent ‘queue-annoyance’ except more
cashiers. Oh that ‘customer profile’.

We have author [of art history and Roman architecture] Nigel Rogers to thank
for a non-Muzak environment. In 1992 (!) he formed Pipedown to save us from
becoming irate – apparently it raises blood pressure and depresses the immune
system. Yikes! Hospitals can drive you to death then! Yikes! repeated!

So you thought you were safe from the shopping police? Not so fast. High end
luxury stores use heavy fragrances to manipulate you. Vanilla or sandalwood
used in expensive perfumes make you see the products in front of you as
desirable and premium. You feel more relaxed so spending an eye-watering
amount on shoes seems like less of a risk. I wonder what the £ shops use. Lilac
room freshener?

Buyer beware. If you think you simply pop into a shop to have a quick look
round, think again. You are being totally manipulated by colour, texture, even the
placement of the carpets. Hold your nose, cover your ears, look straight ahead
and keep your purse closed until you find the exit.

Now if only we could get rid of that bloody ‘musical’ accompaniment that is loud
enough to scare your Gran as the main feature on every TV programme.
‘Background’ music? It’s ‘foreground’ music. Oh I do despair. We could figure
out the plot if we could hear what the characters were actually saying! And all
those sub-plots. Arghhhh. And why is it mostly American twangy country
music?  Arghhhhh! Clearly there hasn’t been any science applied here.


Quelle Barbe!

Versailles. Hahaha. Oh. Ew. A French Canadian production of a porn comedy.
French TV Canal+ commissioned the most expensive French show ever: £20m.
What can you say that hasn’t been said already – after one episode? Beautiful
young models in wigs who perform ridiculous attempts at acting – and sex; every
women naked naturally all adding up to the consensus: it’s utterly appalling
rubbish.

Trust TV critic Kevin O’Sullivan: “Gratuitous sex, graphic violence, atrocious
acting and an abysmal script. This dramatized story of how Sun King Louis XIV
created France’s famous palace is very close to being so bad it’s hilarious. But
mostly it’s so bad it’s painful to watch”. Just saying.

The French loved it. Quelle surprise. There is a second series already planned.
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