LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
7 January 2017
Three Deaths and Many Promises

Not the best way to start the new year. We knew eternally attached ‘sistahs’,
Roxy & Ronnie, were going to be axed from EastEnders permanently. We knew
they were going to drown. We knew Ronnie’s wedding dress would impede her
ability to save her ‘sistah’; too heavy. But no explanation as to how – or why –
Roxy died when the programme was finally aired.

Yes, she jumped – note: didn’t dive – in the pool and was dead. Dead? No
movement, no struggling, no gasping for air, no bobbing up and under the water,
no coke. Dead. Huh? How?

And let’s not forget the bungled, totally inept, unprofessional police procedure.
Has no one at EastEnders ever watched a crime drama? Really? No. Really?
Well we have and we know it was all wrong. Really. The post-mortem promises to
shock Jack. EastEnders does a lot of promising – without success I might add.
And don’t get too attached: Jack’s been sacked as well.

And oh do explain why nearly everyone on the square, in the Vic was showing
raucous revelry with the death of the two. I am confused. One episode, OK,
possibly not all were aware. but the second episode? You really have to question
what the f*** these writers are thinking. I know – nothing. Shouldn’t there have
been a moment to give a little thought to the ‘sistahs’? What was all that jollity
about really?

New producer, executive producer Sean O'Connor, has been swinging the
sword. He has warned us there are more favourites to come, I mean leave.
Brutal.
      
Roxy was so distraught that her ‘sistah’ was going to be killed off – obviously
without a chance to ever return - that she volunteered to be killed-off as well.
Apparently they took turns spending their last days in floods of tears off set. Oh
dear.

After the episode, actress Samantha Womack, aka Ronnie, tweeted that she
was "honestly broken". I'm sorry I can't respond to any comments. I'm honestly
broken. An appropriate end to the darkest year ever.” Ah Sean; the butcher of
EE.

After the death episode an upset fan wrote: “I swear I’m never watching
EastEnders again!"

After twenty years of Susan Tully, aka Michelle Fowler, refusing all offers of ever
making an appearance on the show, the decision was finally taken to replace
her – with a woman who has had not only a face transplant, but a personality
one as well. This actress/character is the antithesis of Michelle. Trust me here.
The antithesis. More brilliant decision making, Sean.

Admittedly we don’t mind not throwing a life-line to Roxy: tiresome character,
repetitive story-lines bored us into a comatose state. Or was that just the
programme?

This death-by-drowning storyline was the promised event of the new year. Oh
joy. Anti-climactic? Well, we do require a Sherlock revelation in regards to how
Roxy jumped into the pool and was instantaneously -  dead. Sherlock. Where
were you?

Yes. He’s baaack and 9.2 million people tuned in to
The Six Thatchers. But –
the critics have slated it. Too Bond.

And then there is that oh oops scene. Watson is typing up a blog post, revealing
he’s going to be a father. Along with a screenshot, one Twitter user posted: “IM
CRYING THEY HAVE HIM TYPING NOTHING ON AN IMAGE FILE THATS
NAMED ‘JOHN BLOG PAGE.jpg’ #Sherlock.” Another noticed: “That awkward
moment when John Watson is typing on a jpg image file... #Sherlock
#SherlockSeason4.”

Not the only problem. The lovely Mary, Watson’s wife was killed off. Mary
jumped in the way of a bullet bound for Sherlock. Nooooo! And right after
becoming a mum to Rosamund-Mary. Shock horror. Evidently viewers went mad.

Sherlock made a promise, a vow to protect Mary, Watson and baby Rosamund-
Mary. Curiously Amanda Abbington and Martin have ended their 16-year real
life relationship two weeks before filming. Sherlock couldn’t help apparently.
Yes, it made her monologue quite poignant. But don’t get all weepy – well, you
can if you want – but AA said filming her character’s death was enjoyable. OK.
“…it was good fun because I worked with these guys and these guys are
brilliant. It’s always nice when you get something like that in the script, and it
says you get shot (how often does this happen?) and you have to say all these
last things.” OK. But it could have been time to notice that Watson goes all
grinningly smarmy with an ego-driven desire to consummate his text-affair
Lovely.

Did I mention Cumberbatch is actually related to Conan Doyle? No really.
According to the
Independent, researchers at Ancestry.com recently discovered
that Cumberbatch and Doyle are sixteenth cousins, twice removed. No really.
The ancestral link between the two: Duke of Lancaster John of Gaunt was Doyle’
s 15th great-grandfather and Cumberbatch’s 17th great-grandfather. Now you
know you are impressed.

Wait. That’s not all. In 2014, the same team of researchers determined that
Cumberbatch was the 17th cousin of Alan Turing, the computer
scientist/codebreaker he played in
The Imitation Game the same year. Now you
are very impressed surely. Who knew?

Only New Year’s Eve firework coverage beat the 9.2m who watched Sherlock;
11.6 million. Well, they are the most brilliant (sorry) in the world. We
unfortunately can’t say the first episode was brilliant; more muddled. Evidently
numbers are down. Hmmm. It seems most loyal Sherlock viewers have
expressed the same reaction as the critics to this first episode: “huh”?

So it’s down to
Revolting to save our new year’s telly watching. The boys are
back! Tuesdays on BBC2. All together now: Hurrrraaahhh!
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