LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
4 December 2011
LOOK WHOSE TALKING


PIP, PIP, HOORAY

Pippa will be sitting on her way over-hyped bum – or should it be derriere –
several hours a day to pen her precious hints for the not-the-brightest-bulbs-on-
the-tree on being the perfect party hostess when she’s not attending the
opening of a door.

An intense bidding war resulted with Penguin willing to increase Pippa’s bank
account by £400,000 for starters. Waterstones queues should start forming
now.

‘It will be about entertaining and how to throw the perfect party. It’s not just
about being the perfect hostess – it will also include recipes and information
about how to host different types of events. Pippa has been sketching out the
chapters and has decided to start each one with an amusing anecdote.’ Oh
no....

‘She is a professional party planner for London-based events. She is also a
talented writer and edits The Party Times, an online newsletter on her parents’
Party Pieces website.’

If her 10 top tips for the perfect Stepford wife Christmas are any indication of
her tremendous talent, perhaps her intellectually-challenged fans should order
the book to hand to every family member, friend or neighbour who wants to
enter the wonderful world of Pippa’s Christmas....

“Christmas is a time when tiny lights shimmer in shop windows, gifts twinkle
beneath the tree and the smell of decadent festive treats wafts from every
home. Share the spirit of Christmas with family, friends or neighbours and
enjoy a fun, festive and completely stress-free December with our top 10
Christmas tips.”

Surely you can’t be gagging yet. There is so much more to come:

‘A tree full of glistening lights and an array of colouful (sic) decorations
heightens wonder and expectation around Christmas. Colourful red skating
tree decorations and other beautiful pieces will stand out against dark green
trees.

Look out for christmas (sic) cookie cutter sets that come in a variety of
shapes such as star, reindeer, snowflake or Christmas tree designs. Store
your baked treats in tins and hand them out to friends who drop by, served
with a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

Create a Scandinavian fairytale gingerbread house, good enough to eat. Not
only will it look and smell appealing, it will bring out the child inside of
everyone.

Chic satin ribbon can add colour to the simplest wrapping paper and can be
used to tie around napkins or to hang decorations. Run out of gift tags? Cut
up old Christmas cards into gift-size tags and use them instead.

Write a gift list and a budget before you shop online, otherwise you can get
carried away.

Fill gorgeous santa (sic) treat bags with little surprises as going home gifts.
Arrange the gifts on a tray and keep them hidden before going home time!
Have a few spare for siblings and helpers.

It’s always useful to update your address book, in preparation for sending out
Christmas cards. You could always get your computer-savvy child to help
you type out all the addresses to avoid having to use your scribbled out
address book.

Yet nothing fills a house with festive aroma faster than mulled apple
simmering on top of the stove. Children will love drinking this too (without the
alcohol)’
OMG....

Had enough? Ready to smash every bleeding ‘nostalgic/shiny/festive’ bauble
with a hammer? Shred all those colourful/chic ribbons? Cut the plugs from all
the magical/twinkling/glistening strings of indoor or outdoor lights?

Pippa has promised not to use a ghost writer. Oh dear.

With exclamation marks for emphasis and the over-use of ‘extra special...a
special touch...magical...magical effect...children will go crazy...children will
love... younger members of the family will love... steaming...glistening...
shimmer... charming’... she may need a rethink on that decision.

Ex-Waity Katy agrees with Pippa that it is terrible important to ‘create good first
impressions’ when she attends her first Christmas at Sandringham with sister in
tow ‘to make 'Christmas extra special’ for the Royal family. Surely Pippa will
advise how to be welcoming to all royal family members. She might hand out
candy canes and edible chocolate decorations, bestow festive yummy edible
awards to those maiming the most peasants – oops – pheasants or hand out
Santa caps embolden with her business logo. No doubt Pippa will be so full of
brilliant, innovative, ingenious, stunning, chic, clever ideas she’ll become a
royal pain in the arse....


ARE YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?

If you’re thinking you’re going bonkers, schizophrenic, having an episode - it
could be your dinner plate.

The NHS is keen on curbing obesity in Britain. The pilot scheme for the £1,500
talking plate has so far been quite effective. “No hiding those peas under the
mashed potatoes now...Do you know the Heimlich manoeuvre  because you’re
not chewing your food properly...Do you have an appointment because you’re
eating way too fast...Where are those five veggies? You have only two on your
plate...Fish fingers again?...Wait. No McDonald’s double cheeseburger. That’s
cheating...You’ve lost half a stone. You deserve a small low fat, low calorie,
sugarless treat.”

What about those evil airport body scans: “You are going to get cancer. When
would you like it? Where in your body? It’s your choice now that you have
been zapped. Heh heh.”

In cinemas: “Another loo visit?...Sit lower in your seat. You’re blocking the view
of the first six rows...No talking. Did you not hear me? No talking...Stop making
all that noise with your sweets wrapper...No reading the subtitles out loud...Is
that you kicking the back of the seat?”

Or plain cigarette packets: “Remember us? Remember how you loved our logo...
our satisfying packaging...our coolness? We made you feel so cool, so
nonchalant, so sophisticated. Don’t abandon us now that you don’t recognise
us anymore. We still offer the very same security. Come now. You know you
want just one.”
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