20 January 2012

IDIOTS ON TV: TV is becoming seriously annoying as it all kicks off after a
Christmas/New Year break and I’m not referring to ‘reality’ programmes.

BBC journalist and newsreader, Emily Maitlis, infamous for her previous frock
malfunctions and naked-legged-desk-perching staggered, hobbled, wobbled a
few meters from one side of the BBC Newsnight set to the other. This tottering
routine was clearly attributed to tight black leather trousers set off by those
ridiculous ubiquitous, compulsory 8” high heeled boots. Is there a single female
presenter who hasn’t stuffed her crooked little (?) toes into a pair of stilettos? I
think not. Fortunate for EM it was a direct path with no one obstructing her
lurch forward. This is the Cambridge graduate who speaks 5 languages. Can
you say ‘stylist, help’ in Mandarin?

The audience went gaga with a standing ovation for Lady Madonna and her
latest face. Personally, I prefer perhaps the 1990’s face. Those now universally
used cheek implants altering all those celebs’ faces to such an extent, you have
to look twice. “Who is that? She looks so familiar. I know it isn’t Joan Rivers - is
it?” Creepy. Madge whinged that people recognise her – how? Sunglasses
should do the trick.

Repeating at every interview: “...three years of my life.” Ahhhh. And she
doesn't look an hour older. Regarding her new ‘three years of my life’ film,     
W.E., Edward Vlll didn’t give up the throne for the woman he loved. He gave it
up because he didn’t want to sit on it; he never wanted to be king. Wallis was in
love with her second husband and begged him to take her back and get her out
of the situation. She tortured Edward until he finally gave in and died. End of

“Every girl wants to be swept off her feet by a knight in shining armour.” By a
24 year old back-up dancer? No Madge. We don’t. Ever.

Not satisfied with acting arrogant, appallingly condescending and horribly rude,
Madge sniffed at Madonna dolls two terribly sweet and clearly thrilled in her
presence Italians had made in an homage-to. No more presents for Madge
unless the giver is prepared to be humiliated.

At the Golden Globes she struggled to be ‘amusing’ and plainly failed. In her
latest haughty persona and slight British accent she responded to the toned
down Ricky Gervais that she hadn’t “kissed a girl in a year.” Girl... Gervais ...
huh?  Someone gag Madonna, please...and keep her off the telly.

While the ‘save us from idiots’ brigade is out and about, put DJ Chris Evans out
of his misery and thus, us. Please! CE is now the Friday co-host of (usually
The One Show (pre EastEnders) – which has shown significantly lower
viewer numbers when he appears.  All that shrieking, screaming, squealing,
yelling, yelping. FGS. An idiot on speed. A wind up doll without an off switch.
Doesn’t anybody have a sock?

US actress Lara Pulver caused a bit of a stir when she appeared totally naked
in the first
Sherlock episode. She revealed that she was ‘empowered’ by
nakedness on set, on television, on
Sherlock. Possibly inspired by the ‘pole/lap
dancing is empowering’ excuse for exhibitionism and need for male approval,
LP refused the option of clever cover up; being naked made her stronger –
than what? Jodie Marsh, the peculiar looking plastic ‘glamour’ model turned into
even more frightening body-building? Oh dear. Oh dear.

Above Suspicion is the perfect antidote to TV annoyance.
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