|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
27 April 2015
|Spare Me - 27 April 2015
OK, Ok, Ok. It was a girl. Enough said. OK, OK more said. Named Alice,
Charlotte, Elizabeth, Diana – not Diana surely, fourth in line, grand-daughter to
the Machiavellian Middletons, looks exactly like William.
Curiously Granny Carol wasn’t camped out for nearly two weeks before the birth
in front of St Mary’s Hospital like a few other die-hard long-live-the-royals
wrapped and draped in the flag.
Actually she was at Kensington Palace – in waiting (oh she only wishes she
could be in-waiting to anyone royal) for her royal duties to commence. “Darling.
You go have a little, or preferably a long lie down. You must be exhausted from
all that time having your hair done perfectly. Mummy’s here now. I’ll take charge
– of everything. That’s it. Good duchess. Then you can have your hair done
The fantasy fairy tale continues. You know the impeccably stage-managed drill.
They are such a happy family, they are so normal, they are so in love. Really?
The archetypal happy family appeared on the steps of the hospital entrance;
Wills in casual attire, Ex-Waity in shopping attire - her high heels, full makeup,
hair perfectly coiffed for flipping. Collective ahs now; cradling the new baby
closely nestled in her arm, head secure, gazing at it lovingly – oh, oops, that
didn’t actually happen did it. Nonetheless – happy family memory for all those
who require that reassurance to find life worth living.
Kate had a meticulous birth plan. She had opted to be seen first by the
midwives, and as a source said: 'What the duchess wants, the duchess gets.'
It is understood a team of three midwives has been on standby for more than a
month to cover three shifts over a 24-hour period should Kate have been
It’s actually possible to feel rather sad for Charles as he has been totally side-
lined in favour of the nouveau-royals. Wills sold out (alright not literally using our
cash) for what he thought was happy-family-normalcy with Mum&Dad Middleton.
Not quite how it has played out really.
The press went on interminably with absolutely nothing to say yet repeating it
nevertheless until their inane coverage felt more like torture – sans dungeon
Then we had more hysterical press coverage – this was in regards to ‘the fight
of the century’: two men smashing each other in the head ultimately resulting in
brain damage. What’s not to like when tickets could buy a house?
Four Brits were 4 of 500 to have the privilege of spending at least £8,000 - each
- to see the Las Vegas fight. Clearly these men have no children, pets, family
members who could benefit slightly more than.
Six years in the planning for the richest fight ever, $100,000 to sit at ringside – a
chance for blood and sweat up close and personal, tickets sold out in 60
seconds, fighters will split $400m 60-40.
Manny Pacquiao: “For me it’s about how we entertain the fans.” Pacquiao is
known for his philanthropy. Nice.
Floyd Mayweather: “I believe in self-preservation. Me first, then everyone else.
But me first.” Clearly his mantra when he was convicted for domestic violence.
Clearly he takes his work home. Nice.
For those who could possibly give a toss, Mayweather won on points. Not a
The Winner Takes All – not exactly
This week we will know if Britain will be sold to anyone who isn’t British (the very
little that’s left that is) and continue to create a country for the super rich - or
what exactly? Scottish independence?
In the final week of tedium we had CallMeDave ‘speaking from his heart’…ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha. Heart? Oh come now. Dave has been ‘pumped up’ due to his
‘passion for Britain’. Now CallMeArnie was pumped. Dave was pumped for small
businesses. Oh dear oh dear. Not pumped up enough, Dave added enterprise
loans to the workout. “If I’m getting lively about it, it’s because I feel bloody lively
about it!” Words truly fail here. The Teflon toff cannot be embarrassed.
The too-cool-for-school (ex-Etonian) has gone all arms and legs (okay, not legs)
flying everywhere to prove he’s human. Human? Dave was pumped up before a
group of accountants.
Idiot ‘journalists’ have said Lynton must be furious now that Dave has found his
inner Dave. Really? Oh really? The vile vicious vacuous Tory strategist guru
Lynton Crosby (trust me here, I’m not the only one who recognises his terribly
attractive traits) has constructed and orchestrated every tactical move. Surely he
rehearsed with Dave. “Throw both arms out, CallMeDave. Bring them in, out, in,
out - fast, fast, faster! More animation, CallMeDave! Express your inner
dedication, fervour, fire, commitment!” “Lynton. I don’t have any.”
It’sAllAboutMeDave was caught out describing the General Election as "career-
defining" – oh not a Freudian slip Dave - during a question and answer session
on the see-me-with-my-sleeves-rolled-up campaign trail. Dave was at Asda
headquarters. Perfect. Dave quickly corrected ‘the error' saying it was a
“country-defining" election. Indeed, Dave.
Then there was the revelation by Liberal Democrat chief secretary to the
Treasury, Danny Alexander, that the Tories planned an £8bn cut which includes
slashing child benefits and child tax credits. CallMeDave had evidently initiated
and authorised. Chancellor Georgie blamed Alexander naturally, but Alexander is
in possession of the documents. Oops.
‘People get the government they deserve.’ Doesn’t bode well does it?