LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
2 December 2017
So Special

‘Special relationship’ eh Theresa?  It looks like only you entertain that hand-
holding special relationship delusion. Lest we forget, Obama and his gang
guffawed every time it was mentioned…back-slapping assumed. And now we’re
laughing...not guffawing, just laughing that you are so duped by The Donald, or
is it simply about ‘staying strong and stable’? Eh Theresa? Looks as if the
Donald is having one with himself. “Theresa? Theresa? Theresa who?”


More Special

Oh isn’t it just divine? A new princess. A new American princess. A new
American actress princess. Oh right. Not a princess. Regardless of Meghan, we
know her by her first name of course, she will be a mere – duchess. Oh dear.
So much for that princess aspiration. But wait, unless the Home Office grants
immediate princess status, OK, duchess status, MM will have to follow the pleb
rules that stipulate three years or possibly five, but surely the Home Office will
simply wave a magic wand. MM did have a problem trying to answer Life in the
UK questions on TV channel, Dave if you saw it last year. £1,282 to take the
test. Surely the Home Office will waive the fee or send us the bill.

Naturally everybody has an opinion: finally, what took so long?…Harry defiantly
dated MM – huh? He was defiant?…explosive reaction - i.e. utter joy…really?
Are we living in the same universe? I don’t think so. A poll found that 52 percent
of Brits were shockingly “indifferent” to the fairy tale union. DUP leader, Arlene
Foster, congratulated – William! on his engagement to MM. Convinced?

Nevertheless, there is simply no way to avoid this hysteria is there? Page after
page after page in the papers, 45 in the Daily Mail with more promised,
‘breaking news’ reports, the interview featuring Meghan watched by millions.
Enough? Only the beginning.

Harry has informed us that he believes MM and his mother would “be thick as
thieves, without question”. Thick? Did I read ‘thick’. Oh so unfair. Ex-Waity
certainly wouldn’t have allowed that. She is Diana’s replacement. “Oh, darling.
You’ll just adore the attention, 24 -7, as you would say. Remember that I made it
here first. I’m the new Diana. Smile now. Perfect.”

Back to the thick of things. If you needed a bit of clarity, Urban Dictionary is
here to help.  ‘Thick as thieves’: A special bond people have for each other.
Derived from the idea of "partners in crime"…to be tight or best friends with
someone. Hmmm.

We were shown a bit of her TV show: naked in bed with some guy. Not the
interesting bit here actually. But another shot showed him on one knee clearly
asking for her hand in marriage. Perhaps Harry has been watching a bit too
much telly. After all, he admits he ‘fell in love’ with her character. It was “love at
first sight.” Goodness me. And when was the breakup with his British actress
girlfriend he was dating simultaneously? Ah. Reality TV.

Journalist, Kevin Maguire was having none of it. He refused to go all hysterically
sycophantic. He brought attention to the obvious fact that wherever MM was
photographed, she was featuring herself, she constantly took the lead,
interrupted Harry and finished his sentences. Just saying what he said. Is that
MM doing the royal wave?

A.N. Wilson, biographer of Queen Victoria: “It was like being in a bloody
Hollywood movie. A very bad one.” Just saying what he said.

MM’s half-sister, Samantha, revealed MM as “narcissistic and selfish…a shallow
social climber with a soft-spot for gingers”.  Hmmm. Is this looking a bit like an
episode from a TV series? Harry ‘in love’ with a screen character, her fancying
gingers, sister revelations.

But wait. Disney fantasy does not disappoint. Samantha backtracked. But wait.
She’s writing a tell-all book.

MM has told us this is a love story of the century, or in MM’s own words, “a great
love story”. Her half-brother said she has “always been a princess – she’s
carried herself on that level from day one”. Ah.

Best to begin practicing your curtsey. The couple want to include us, all of us,
you know, ‘the public’, the commoners. They want us to feel part of their day.
Oh please.

Remember, we ‘the public’ will pay for all the security costs, policing, ad inf. Still
sycophantic?


And Now for the Divorce

Not a royal possibility, the Brexit possibility. The financial arrangements?  Oh
£50 billion – or £100 billion in the long term. You asked for it. Christmas has
arrived early.

The EU hasn’t officially asked for any particular sum of money. It does say: “the
United Kingdom must honour its share of the financing of all the obligations
undertaken while it was a member”.

Remember when, only two months ago, David Davis said we'd never pay the EU
a “made-up" £40bn Brexit bill. Oh right. He never actually entered into
negotiations did he?

The Sun’s, Tom Newton Dunn, calculates the bill will cost us around £2.6 billion
a year for decades to come. The
Telegraph reports that the cash will continue to
fund some of the EU projects that include the renovation of the former home of
EU founding father Jean Monnet. Smile required here. The
Guardian reckons
the most hard-line Tory Brexiteers could block the agreement. Oh dear. Iain
Duncan Smith claimed that it was a ‘bargain’ compared with the £400 billion
saved over 40 years from quitting the EU. While Boris said the EU could “go
whistle” for its money. Was he humming a specific tune? Tell Me When the
Whistle Blows…I Whistle a Happy Tune…Money for Nothing…Mo Money, Mo
Problems…Money, Money, Money…add to if you will.

Forget the money we have to hand over, let’s do other specifics. If you drink
Nescafe (why?) there are144 ingredients (why?) that make up Nescafe that
come from outside the UK. Each one, each of the 144 would have to be
regulated separately if we were outside the customs and the single market. You
might have to wait for your cup of coffee, instant or otherwise.

And while on the subject,
The Guardian reports the cost of the cheapest
Christmas dinner will be nearly 20 percent higher this year due to Brexit-fuelled
inflation. Only 20? Have you been to the market lately? You have to gasp in the
aisles.


Name Your Poison

However, if you want to ingest toxic substances, Monsanto is here to help.
Monsanto’s lobby has convinced the European Council to ignore the World
Health Organization and the European Parliament and renew the license for the
weed killer Roundup. Killer being the operative word here.

Glyphosate is an herbicide used to kill broadleaf plants and grasses since 1974.
According to a 2015 World Health Organization the study has proved its
carcinogenic potential on the human endocrinal system. The European Council
and the European Commission relied on scientific evidence presented by
researchers. Oh you know, it was paid for by Monsanto. Surely you didn’t
expect anything else, did you?

The European Commission hailed the decision as “ensuring a high-level of
protection of human health.” Are we to assume the members who voted to
support monumental monster Monsanto are brain dead?  Financially benefitting
in some way? Oh never. Not only was the European Parliament ignored, so was
a petition against glyphosate that was signed by 1.5 million people. But they
certainly didn’t ignore Germany’s Bayer which is determined to take over
Monsanto which the European Commission is temporarily blocking…temporarily
that is. Wondering what they are waiting for.


Awkward

Come now – oops – Damian Green’s computer has thousands of pornographic
images on his computer in his office. Take a minute to imagine this – warning –
it won’t be pleasant. ‘Older gentleman’, 61 – taking liberties here…gentleman - all
right, he was only middle-aged at the time - looks at, dribbles over, lusts after
these images – while at work! He couldn’t wait until he got home? Really? So, he
enjoys what he sees – under the desk? In the loo? OK. I’m not going to be more
graphic here. Yuck.

Retired Scotland Yard detective, Neil Lewis, claimed “thousands” of images were
found. None of the images were “extreme” but he said he had “no doubt
whatsoever” that the First Secretary of State accessed them.

Mr Lewis, who retired from the Metropolitan Police in 2014, told the BBC: “In
between browsing pornography, he was sending emails from his account, his
personal account, reading documents… it was ridiculous to suggest anybody
else could have done it…It would be a very bizarre situation for somebody to
hack a parliamentary computer to place pornography. There was also
pornography internet history found on a separate machine, a laptop, of a similar
nature.” Uh oh. DG calls them: “disreputable political smears”.  Conservative
obsessive devotee, Jacob Rees-Mogg, referred to the pictures as “saucy”.
Hmmm. The same Jacob Rees-Mogg who had a private meeting with former
adviser to The Donald, Steve Bannon, in London the other day to talk for more
than an hour about how Conservatives can win in the US and UK. Don’t think it
was ‘saucy’, but anything is possible….

Damian denies all. Nevertheless, there is that alleged inappropriate behaviour
towards a young female activist.   A Cabinet Office inquiry is currently
investigating. ‘Saucy’. Oh my word.
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