LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
27 April 2015
Sock Puppetry

Dull, boring, vacuous, endless this election. Even Ed or Dave’s faces featured
on men’s underpants can’t inspire voters. Ew.

PM CallMeDave has defended the interminable ennui voters are experiencing
leading up the election. “People demanding ‘political excitement’ should go to
Greece while those who want more ‘theatre’ should look to Hollywood”. Criticism
has been on Dave’s relentless focus on the economy and repetitive attacks on
Ed's credibility.

So, here we go. Be prepared to be bored rigid/stiff/to tears/to death and wish
you were in Greece. Consider yourself warned.

Desperate for a bit of absurdity here, I’m starting with liar-liar-pants-on-fire
Grant Shapps, aka Michael Green is in the news again. The Conservative Party
Chairman stomped his foot down vehemently denying claims that GS/MG was
behind the anonymous Wikipedia account Contribsx, which altered ‘unflattering’
entries of senior politicians. Such as the removal of a reference to Shapps’ ‘alter
ego’ (ie; secret get-rich-quick scheme sobriquet), Michael Green. Tut tut.

Why stop there. Then a reference to thousands of pounds in donations received
from companies connected with his shadow ministerial housing portfolio. Then
Contribsx deleted much more – but trust me, it's not worth the details. It’s the
denial that is of interest.

Wikipedia blocked Contribsx, suspicious that GS was behind the edits – his and
those disparaging of Tory rivals and political opponents. Philip Hammond,
Justine Greening and Lynton Crosby were also included.

An editor of Wikipedia: “The account is either run by Shapps or being run under
his clear direction.” Oops. “…this is a violation of terms of use.”
The Guardian
had revealed the ‘secret slurs’. GS blamed it on Labour and said “I was
elsewhere at the time” one of the days the changes were made. No internet? GS
must have been meditating in a cave.

So what is the ‘sock puppetry’ reference then you might ask? It is a term for
creating a fake identity to change entries and mislead on Wikipedia. Shapps
called the allegations “bonkers”, Nick Clegg suggested the edits were done by
Michael Green. PM CallMeDave says Shapps ‘does a great job’. Clearly.


Milifans – huh?

#milifandom has at least 11,000 followers. Really. Ed’s the new ‘hottie’. Really.
Pity Lynton’s unending efforts to label Ed as a geek, an idiot, a saddo and lest
we forget – his gaffes, gawkiness, awkwardness, ineptitude have run their
course – despite the desperate anti-Ed media bias. It’s all ‘sexy Ed’ now. Surely
you’ve seen all those images of Ed superimposed on Aidan Turner (Ross
Poldark), David Beckham, Harry Styles, Steve McQueen, Daniel Craig, ad inf.
To see more – Twitter account @CoolEdMiliband. At least this is keeping us
awake.

A 17 year old, Abby, began the campaign to embrace Ed “to change opinions”
about EM “so people don’t see the media’s usual distorted portrayal of him.”
BuzzFeed responded with “People are going wild for the raw sexuality of Ed
Miliband.” Zut alors!

Surely you’ve seen that hyperactive hen do response surrounding Ed’s
campaign bus. Social media is full of young Milifans full of love for his looks and
‘adorable dorkiness’. “Ed Miliband forever” for example. What’s not to love?
#cameronette has not been successful – lampooned actually. Ha. Ed said:
“You've got to have a sense of humour in this game.” Ha ha ha. “People are
seeing the real me rather than the caricature.” Are you thinking Marlon? Ed in
leather. Wild.


Paint it Blue  

Lynton has dragged PM-in-wanting Boris out to save Dave. Now separated at
birth, they are out and about on the carefully staged meet & greet appearances.

Boris ‘n Dave duo enthusiastically entertained themselves by trying hand-printing
with young children – using blue paint of course. They even tried their hand(s)
at a puzzle depicting the seasons. They couldn’t put it back together. Trying
again, it took the boys nine minutes. Did I say it was a young child’s puzzle?


It’s Just One of Those Things

Taking a risk here assuming PM CallMeDave has a brain…Dave has had
another ‘brain fade’. CMD couldn’t distinguish between West Ham and Aston
Villa. They sound so similar…no? Dave says he has supported Aston Villa “all
his life”, yet during a campaign speech in south London, Dave joked that
everyone should back his team – then he named West Ham instead of his
‘favourite’ team, Aston Villa. Dave can be just so disappointing.

CMD had claimed he became a Villa fan after watching the team beat Bayern
Munich in the European Cup final as a child – but brain-fade-Dave could not say
what year the match took place or who scored the winner. Dave’s uncle Sir
William Dugdale was Aston Villa's chairman from 1975 to 1982.

CMD said he had been “overcome by something” (something, Dave?) adding: “I
don't know what happened to me, it was just one of those things.” Oh do I have
to say it, really? Okay. ‘One of those things’ not unlike all his hollow promises?

Dave said he had gone 'off script' with the remark. ‘Off script’? Surely we expect
any authenticity or sincerity from Dave. “I suppose it's just the campaign. By the
time you have made as many speeches as I have on this campaign all sorts of
funny things start popping out of your mouth.” Dave is clearly the gift that keeps
on giving. Dave continued with his brain fade explanations – not convincing –
obviously. Isn’t Dave’s favourite ‘sport’ fox hunting?


Hair Apparent

Totally off politics, back to real life, what the hell is going on with EastEnders?
Where to start…

Let’s start with the stylists. What the hell are you doing? This homage-to-Lady
Godiva is just insane. Let me elaborate. No matter how many three and half
metres of curled extensions are used on Sharon, they will never cover her top-
heavy body. The EE stylists have gone mad with this look – and it is not a good
look. Trust me here. They haven’t stopped at Sharon, but do the same with
Roxie, only a bit less Charles I. They have simply ignored Shirley and don’t even
bother washing her hair for days – or is it weeks? They have made the decision
that Nancy and Linda require all their hair to be yanked up to support a birds
nest of hair. Why exactly? Dean looks ridiculous with a new thick beard and
partially shaved hair. Clearly the stylists are going for modern, cool, on trend –
whatever. Really?

And what about the make-up you ask? Again – it’s all OTT. Sharon is scarily
orange with thick black racoon eye liner and caterpillar eyelashes. Yuck. No
wonder her son is becoming evil – she’s so busy doing her hair and face. Roxie
has new black shiny-ish glue-on eyebrows. Scary! With enough eye makeup on
to scare a cat.

Annoying enough, but the story lines and OMG the dialogue – let me out. It is
always obvious when Pete Lawson takes credit for the writing. Arghhh. Make
him stop. For some unimaginable reason, he thinks he can write emotionally
draining dialogue – for women. Pete. Listen up. No women actually talks like
that! Really! It’s stilted and stupid.

EE boss Dominic Treadwell Collins has said there will be ‘comings and goings’
which means he’s prepared to axe regulars in favour of ‘celebrities’ such as
Denise Van Outen, Richard Blackwood and Bonnie Langford. Nice.

Lately – and for far too long – the story lines have been interminably boring,
pointless, ridiculous, hysterical - just rubbish really. It seems EE  is always
testing its viewers: how much can you take, how long can you last? It feels like a
matter of days!
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