|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
17 December 2017
Ready now? Let’s all sing in unison: ‘Let it snow, let it snow’...wait, maybe not.
The UK stopped, shut down, was paralysed. Schools closed, flights cancelled,
trains delayed, power cut to homes, people stranded.
This is guaranteed to occur if there is more than one centimetre of the lovely
white stuff; year on year. “We don’t want to be like those – foreigners – Sweden
and all of that lot – who know how to deal with snowfall brilliantly. They get fluffy
snow, not like our tough snow. We don’t do forward-thinking so that we could be
prepared. We want to project our utter stupidity”. Sounds like those Brexiteers.
So, rather than complaining – although it’s nearly impossible not to – we can
move on to the endless Brexit negotiations. Sorry, really. Really sorry.
Too Clever by Half
One Brexit mystery solved. On LBC (Leading Britain’s Conversation) about the
requirements for his job, our favourite negotiator (ha) David Davis revealed why
he is: ‘I don’t have to be very clever (we couldn’t help but notice), I don’t have to
know that much (you don’t), I do just have to be calm (and keep chortling
continuously). Anybody can do details, we’ll let you do the details (oh right, us).’
Oh details such as UK’s legal commitment to a deal, are not “legally
enforceable.” Oh, Davey. “I don't have to be very clever to do my job.” Case
Death threats, deselection? Oh those nostalgic neurotic Brexiteers who want little
Britain to return to the time of the Picts. Tribal revenge? Surely not. Four votes in
favour of giving MPs a rightful, meaningful vote of the exit deal agreed with
Brussels, after a group of Conservatives sided with the opposition and voted for
Come on now, let’s try to spell it: s o v e r e i g n t y. OK. Let’s try again. Oh
dear. Perhaps we could try p a r l i a m e n t. All right, we can try again later.
You asked for it, remember? You 52 percent.
The Daily Mail is being accused of putting the 11 who value democracy at risk.
They filled their front page with names and photos of the eleven Tory ‘traitors’,
and asked: “Proud of yourselves?” Are you, we might ask. “Wanton treachery”
was mentioned. I’m thinking treachery equals the tower. No?
Let’s put – possibly drag – Tory MP Nadine Dorries to the tower. She might think
it’s a follow-up stunt from I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here which she
appeared on as a celebrity – celebrity? Huh? - and was temporarily suspended
from the party.
Frenzied Nadine was apoplectic. Losing consciousness here. She has called for
the torture and death – OK – not exactly, but at least deselect of the realistic
rebel Tories who voted with the Opposition for ever, and never being allowed to
stand again as MPs. The woman is – oh let’s try – an idiot, ridiculous, not the
brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, the list could go on and on. And lest we
forget, Nadine voted 43 times against her precious party since 2005. Um, Jo
Cox’s legacy? Perhaps someone should remind Nadine – after she’s put in the
And those pesky trade negotiations? The options open to our Little Britain will be
– erm – seemingly impossible. Britain is going to struggle to strike a free trade
deal with Brussels that includes financial services - the largest sector of our
economy. E c o n o m y. Can you spell that? EU officials close to the
negotiations are definitive about this. They say: Financial services will “not be on
the table”. Wave goodbye to the ever clever Davey and his decision for a
Canadian-style deal “plus, plus, plus.” G o o d b y e…
The Trouble with Harry
Bored? No. Boared. Ouch! Sorry, but you would have done the same surely.
You know Harry ‘sneaked off’ to Germany to hunt wild boar while his animal-
loving lover soon to be duchess, Meghan Markle, was filming – acting? in
Toronto. As you do when you’re a blood-sport-loving prince, no?
He joined his friend Prince Franz Albrecht zu Oettingen-Spielberg - did you get
that? - an avid hunter dumbed, I mean dubbed ‘The Boar Terminator’.
Captivating. I know.
A source added that Harry enjoyed a “very bloody weekend”. Bloody hell. A
source, also having taken a part in the hunt, said the 50-strong group killed “just
about anything you could point a gun at” including wild boar and deer. Ah, men
with guns - unrestrained testosterone let loose. Charming. Assuming they didn’t
shoot each other. Oh, right. That’s the American way.
‘The Boar Terminator’, Prince Franz, not Harry - although shouldn’t we give
Harry another title? ‘The Boar Terminator 2 - is a renowned blood-thirsty-hunter
who posts shooting tutorials online. Such as: How to Slaughter as Many Innocent
Animals as Possible in as Little Time as Possible. Not a tutorial on simplifying it
with an automatic weapon? Although actually we don’t know what weapons they
used, do we?
Earlier this year Harry attended his friend Prince Franz’s wedding to Cleopatra
von Adelsheim von Ernest, who – quite intriguingly is also a TV actress like, you
know, you do know, the other actress soon to wed, Meghan. Just saying! Oh,
Cleopatra happens to be a baroness.
Harry and William have been criticised for taking part in bloody blood sports,
while simultaneously campaigning against the trophy hunting of protected
species such as rhinos and elephants. Oh I see. It’s all right to slay any animal
Harry has a blood-thirsty history if you recall. On a gap year trip in 2004 he was
pictured crouching over the body of a dead water buffalo he had shot in
Argentina with then-girlfriend Chelsey Davy; “Is it dead yet?” And yes, her
father owns a trophy hunting estate in Zimbabwe.
Harry is also known to stalk stag. He has taken part in the Boxing Day shoot
near Sandringham since he was aged 12. Bless. Should someone inform MM?
Perhaps her step-sister? The one writing a tell-all book on MM. Hmm.
Wondering if she will accompany her prince on the annual shoot? Place bets
Gosh. So much about Harry. One of Harry's ‘pauper’ exes, revealed Harry didn't
once offer to pay for anything for her on a date. ‘Not a cinema ticket, no going
Dutch on dinner. Nothing.’ Not generous with our money then. “But Harry’s such
a regular guy. Just like us. We love Harry and have totally forgiven him his
choice of Nazi uniform. Really we have.” Dream on.
Thousands of wild boars now live with residents in Berlin where they dig up
gardens, cause road accidents, frighten joggers and dog-walkers, rampage
through neighbourhoods including Berlin's busy Alexanderplatz shopping
square. They can run at 25 mph. Harry! Call the Palace. Harry to the rescue. He
can ring the German Boar Terminator to join him.
Charity Starts at Home
When you stay home that is. Prince Harry wasn’t counting his carcasses – or
was he? He was a no-show at his Senteale’s Christmas concert. Hmm. Possibly
the firm didn’t inform him that it was his charity. Oh right.
“We thought he was coming – teacher said”, said one of the obviously
disappointed children. I suppose it’s good that Harry wasn’t scheduled to play
Father Christmas. Then you would have traumatised children, not just
And where did this charity concert take place? Right around the corner from
Kensington Palace at St Mary’s Abbots church. Royalist churchgoers paid £35
to ooh and ahh over Harry. His attendance was prominently placed in publicity
material. They knew he was coming. But he didn’t. They waited. The mass was
stalled for thirty minutes.
Harry must have forgotten that he founded Sentebale in 2006. The charity funds
HIV affected children in Botswana and Lesotho. Then Rev, Gillean Craig, told
one of the congregation: “He was supposed to be here. Go on Twitter and ask
“where are you?” you thick idiot. Oh dear. I did add that last bit, but you know
he wanted to.
Adding insult to injury, they had a special prayer for the happy couple in their
newsletter. Oh God. Harry’s friend read a poem and was heard to say: “I don’t
know why he’s not here.” The Palace said: “He was never schedule to attend.”
The Gift that Keeps on Giving
Can you spot them? Of course you can’t. Wills and Harry wanted to join the cast
of The Last Jedi. Apparently acting has become rather appealing to Harry you
could say. OK. Obviously they are cameos, but nevertheless, the two storm
troopers could be included in the credits. Surely this film needs more publicity.
Well, it has to be better than the sleep-inducing Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.
Although the reviews of this latest money-making movie have not been brilliant.
With merchandise bringing in massive cash, should we expect to see Harry and
Wills on t-shirts? Socks? Oh I do hope so.
Going to the Dogs
Sick of Harry? We can move on to Mikey. Now what would Mikey say about
Harry’s love for dead wild animals? The new green cheerleader of the world
loves animals. He loves all sentient beings. Curiously that wouldn’t include those
on low wages, the homeless, the anti-Bexiteers would it? Michael Gove wants to
now be known as warm and huggable, not knife-stabbing. A different kind of
blood bath - or blood feud.
Pathetically, desperately trying to appeal to the unavailable youth vote via a new
green agenda. Tories are a caring, cuddly lot don’t you know. Is that collective
eye rolling? Making green a political issue? Oh really. Why would you think that?
Surely Mikey backed CallMeDave’s promise for a “green revolution”. Dave, who
also told his ministers to ditch “the green crap”. Soulless? Of course.
Theresa’s personal endorsement of fox-hunting and weak stance on the ivory
trade, puts Mikey in a rebellious political position. Young voters weren’t very
happy when ministers wanted to renege on the anti-fox hunting ban. Now MPs
have been instructed to spread the green word. They love puppies and they are
worried about polar bears stranded on bits of ice in the Arctic. Haven’t you
They will have to gag Nigel Lawson. Now there’s a fun idea. We could take a
minute out to enjoy the image. The former Conservative Chancellor continues to
argue there is no climate change. I know. We could send him the Arctic. See
where I’m going with this? To be floated out on a small piece of detached ice in
the sight of starving polar bears.
Scientists have discovered an enormous 18-foot Greenland shark found in the
North Atlantic Ocean, who estimate it could be 512 years old. Yikes! Swimming
with sharks? I think not.
“This is important to know, so we can develop appropriate conservation actions
for this important species”, said Prof Praebel, speaking at the University of
Exeter at a symposium. Let’s ask Lord Lawson for his support. “Conservation for
an old shark? Don’t be utterly ludicrous. Conservation, climate change? You are
surely having a laugh. Ho ho ho, ha.”