LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
18 March 2012
Smile. You're On Camera


Clearly ignoring significant news stories, of which there are quite a few - Syria,
Goldman Sachs - the papers chose to cover every possible angle of  Ex Waity-
Kaity's over-practiced frozen smile - which is beginning to frighten small
children offering their bouquets to the 'princess'.  

With The Firm's PR machine in full operational mode, wheels spinning faster
than a bored gerbil on its little wheel, Kate-Machiavellian-Middleton is
dangerously close to over-exposure. I'm at a loss to remember a day, an hour,
a minute when we didn't see her flowing extensions, figure-hugging dresses,
high heels and whitened teeth on the front of every newspaper and news
programme.

With full and constant coverage, I counted 27 times ex-W-K, Team GB 2012
ambassador, used 'I' while attempting to whack the ball on the  hockey field.  
On her fourth attempt at the team's practice session she managed a goal - with
applause naturally. In skinny pink/coral - the press couldn't decide -
jeans/trousers/whatever. "My trousers really clash". Oh dear me. She changed
from trainers to her LK Bennett high heels making her look rather silly.
"Oh please don't tell me I have to do it in front of all these people...I don’t want
anyone to watch (was that a joke?)...I was determined to keep on going until I
scored...the last time I played was 2005, maybe. It feels like I haven’t held a
stick for 10 years."

No mention of her newly discovered stripper cousin, Katrina Darling, billing
herself as 'the monarchy's closest brush with soft porn' - clearly ignoring ex-W-
K's druggy uncle, Gary Goldsmith, who offered prostitutes and drugs to
reporters who were trailing after Wills and Waity-Kaity when they stayed at his
Ibiza pad La Maison de Bang Bang (house of sex to the French) in 2006.

"She's just so comfortable with the Queen. I reckon the Duchess has made her
younger." Consider it. A mere lower class commoner, who only became
nouveau riche in her personality-challenged teenage years now posher than
posh (oh those elocution lessons - so apparent) who has 'never put a foot
wrong' is 'comfortable' with the Queen...an amateur analyst's dream.


I WANT ONE OF THOSE

Now what exactly was the mutual agreement made between Obama and PM
CallMeDave? Pulling out of Afghanistan? Bombing Iran? Ignoring Syria? Who
has the power, the money, owned by international corporations? Or none of the
above.

No one knows who Cameron is in the US. No one gives a monkey's. No matter
how many foot long hot dogs smothered in mustard CMD consumed while
feigning interest in the bloody boring game of basketball, he was clearly trying
to walk the left of centre line while determined to establish the right wing
ideology of the Conservatives. He didn't meet any of the dangerously bonkers
Republicans - but why bother; Obama has proven to be more right wing than
Bush in his presidency. CMD is willing to play the poodle to actually win the
next election.

Clearly Obama was in the crucial re-election state of Illinois to attract votes and
clearly CMD wanted a ride on Air Force One. Obama had termed CMD 'a
lightweight' a few years ago.  

"Why can't I have one of those? A swimming pool, a sauna, five cinemas, a
Michelin Star chef, all of the Mad Men series, a petting zoo, a goodie bag.
George. Can't you squeeze more tax from the working class? I need to feel
presidential."

Naturally the press was obsessed with what rabbit-headlights Sam Cam wore.
She did a homage-to-belts or was it 'I'm skinnier than that Duchess'.

Apparently SamCam was so thrilled, she couldn't sleep the night before the
state banquet they attended. She revealed: 'A star from my favourite movie is
going to be there...Chevy Chase in Caddyshack.' Uninvited - the Chevy Chase
on the menus referred to a Maryland suburb of one who had been invited.
Favourite film? Oh dear, oh dear.
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