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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
I Smell, Therefore I am - 25 August 2006
Brand Beckham now brings us Victoria’s bodacious bum. Or so we are meant to believe...but we
don’t…in the adverts for hisandher perfume. A perfume with a bodice-ripping, romance novel
cover as their selling point. “OhhhhhhDaaaaavid.” It’s all in the image, because it surely isn’t in
the perfume.
These hisandher chunky bottles are being showcased at Superdrug: pink for VB and black for
DB. Superdrug is certainly the antithesis of aesthetic, appealing, subtle, enticing. It’s as the name
implies. Strange choice of launching venue. But then - Dave’s first (this is his second, her first)
fragrance foray into Brand Beckham global expansion has sold more than 50,000 bottles since
November at the un-glamorous drugstore chain, with first-year revenues predicted to be £20m. A
Superdrug spokeswoman reassures us: “It has proved to be enormously popular and is one of
our best selling brands. The Beckham brand has a very wide appeal, particularly to people who
read celebrity magazines and think that Posh really is fabulous. They will buy the fragrances
because they like them as a couple and aspire to what they have.” So what do I know? Only that
it smells cheap and cloying and I thought that they needed a new PR firm. Obviously not.
“David’s scent is a mix of cardamom, bergamot, grapefruit…’a wood-spicy accord’ creating ‘a
portrait of modern masculinity’, combining talent and sexy edginess with a love of family and
home life.’ I dare you to read on…. “Victoria ‘is ‘a multi-talented mother, wife, businesswoman
and style icon’ who is represented by an equally heady mix of lilies, tuberose, orange blossom,
vanilla, sandalwood and musk.” Really? Bergamot, lilies? I think not; not packed into those black
and pink bottles I put to the test.
If I spray myself from head to toe with the former, will I be rudely dropped from the England
football team? If I spray the latter, will I become a style icon for the anorexic? Please. They both
smelled of pungent artificial lemon (does this explain Posh’s perpetual, petulant pout I wonder)
and synthetic florally/woodsy. Quite horrid honestly, unless you want strangers to keep their
distance. You can be safely assured that neither one of the Beckhams are within a foot of the
stuff if the top is off. Perhaps that sheds light on why they failed to appear at their smell-launch;
they sent look-a-likes. See. It does all sort of make sense. Fakes to sell fake fragrances; the
fragrances are called Intimately Beckham. Really.
Victoria did show up for a 6 hour drinking binge the other night. “Like anyone, she enjoys letting
her hair down once in a while,” explained a friend, who may not know her all that well as she had
that ground-dragging tangled mass of hair extensions disengaged several weeks ago…as we all
know. She was so wasted that she had to be propped up by one of her minders and tried to hide
her face behind her purse. Well, at least it makes her possibly human rather than the walking
dead.
Another perfume profiteer, Jennifer Lopez, whose massively successful Glow is described as “an
inevitable expression of my personality, a new dimension of my potent sensual attraction. It’s my
magnetism; the scent of bare glowing skin warmed by the heat of my body.” Excuse me while I
retch into my rubbish bin. It does make you wonder why these people have more money than a
Saudi Prince. It worked for JLo…but then, that really is her big bum.
Brand Beckham now brings us Victoria’s bodacious bum. Or so we are meant to believe...but we
don’t…in the adverts for hisandher perfume. A perfume with a bodice-ripping, romance novel
cover as their selling point. “OhhhhhhDaaaaavid.” It’s all in the image, because it surely isn’t in
the perfume.
These hisandher chunky bottles are being showcased at Superdrug: pink for VB and black for
DB. Superdrug is certainly the antithesis of aesthetic, appealing, subtle, enticing. It’s as the name
implies. Strange choice of launching venue. But then - Dave’s first (this is his second, her first)
fragrance foray into Brand Beckham global expansion has sold more than 50,000 bottles since
November at the un-glamorous drugstore chain, with first-year revenues predicted to be £20m. A
Superdrug spokeswoman reassures us: “It has proved to be enormously popular and is one of
our best selling brands. The Beckham brand has a very wide appeal, particularly to people who
read celebrity magazines and think that Posh really is fabulous. They will buy the fragrances
because they like them as a couple and aspire to what they have.” So what do I know? Only that
it smells cheap and cloying and I thought that they needed a new PR firm. Obviously not.
“David’s scent is a mix of cardamom, bergamot, grapefruit…’a wood-spicy accord’ creating ‘a
portrait of modern masculinity’, combining talent and sexy edginess with a love of family and
home life.’ I dare you to read on…. “Victoria ‘is ‘a multi-talented mother, wife, businesswoman
and style icon’ who is represented by an equally heady mix of lilies, tuberose, orange blossom,
vanilla, sandalwood and musk.” Really? Bergamot, lilies? I think not; not packed into those black
and pink bottles I put to the test.
If I spray myself from head to toe with the former, will I be rudely dropped from the England
football team? If I spray the latter, will I become a style icon for the anorexic? Please. They both
smelled of pungent artificial lemon (does this explain Posh’s perpetual, petulant pout I wonder)
and synthetic florally/woodsy. Quite horrid honestly, unless you want strangers to keep their
distance. You can be safely assured that neither one of the Beckhams are within a foot of the
stuff if the top is off. Perhaps that sheds light on why they failed to appear at their smell-launch;
they sent look-a-likes. See. It does all sort of make sense. Fakes to sell fake fragrances; the
fragrances are called Intimately Beckham. Really.
Victoria did show up for a 6 hour drinking binge the other night. “Like anyone, she enjoys letting
her hair down once in a while,” explained a friend, who may not know her all that well as she had
that ground-dragging tangled mass of hair extensions disengaged several weeks ago…as we all
know. She was so wasted that she had to be propped up by one of her minders and tried to hide
her face behind her purse. Well, at least it makes her possibly human rather than the walking
dead.
Another perfume profiteer, Jennifer Lopez, whose massively successful Glow is described as “an
inevitable expression of my personality, a new dimension of my potent sensual attraction. It’s my
magnetism; the scent of bare glowing skin warmed by the heat of my body.” Excuse me while I
retch into my rubbish bin. It does make you wonder why these people have more money than a
Saudi Prince. It worked for JLo…but then, that really is her big bum.
