LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
28 July 2013
The Silly Season Gets Sillier

What we heard and wished we hadn’t:

Presenter and journalist: “Did you see William put the baby car seat in the
car? It was amazing.”

“Do you think he was given instructions?”

“Surely he did a bit of practicing.”

“Or was shown how before. So amazing.”

Shock. Horror. William can use his arms. William can use them to carry
something. William can open a car door – all unaided. No door-opening valet
for our modern monarch to be.

Taxi driver interviewed: driving the Middletons from St Mary’s Hospital was an
“incredible’ experience”. It was “the best” – better than Lily Allen, Julian Clary
or Russell Grant. “It was incredible.” “It doesn’t get much better than that.” Oh
come now. Julian Clary must have been quite entertaining and he must have
engaged in amusing conversation.

Driving the Middletons from point  A to B was...I know...incredible. Apparently
Carole talked on the phone. She and the presumably mute Michael chatted to
each other. Assuming about all the royal baby tat they have planned for their
‘royal’ business. They offered to pay the £15 fare – offered? But were told it
was paid for – by us again? I do wonder. They didn’t leave a tip. Says it all.
Perhaps they no longer carry cash à la royals...or their fairly recent nouveau
riche roots are showing or their continuing lack of class...or all of the above.

Presenter and journalist:  “They are going to be just a normal family.”

“They are going to bring the baby up to be normal.”

“They are such a normal loving couple.”

Normal? Really? Then why are we paying £1m or more for the refurbishment of
their 21 or is it 25 room Kensington Palace ‘apartment’? Why isn’t William
putting his money where his normal mouth is? William who recently added
another £10m to his bank account...or granddad Charles who doesn’t see any
reason to pay tax on his enormously successful duchy...or the grasping
Middletons who purchased their £8m bungalow once Ex-Waity was securely
ensconced in the Firm family...or the Queen in celebration of the continuation
of the monarchy...or why not a family fund? Normality: just more sycophantic
projection.

Journalist to Harry: “Is he exhibiting any family characteristics?”

“He’s only four days old.”

Surprisingly Harry displayed a moment of intelligence and irony – until he had
to add the he’ll “...make sure he’ll have fun” bit. Hmmm. Isn’t Harry 30...hmmm
so he could be a 40 year old Ibiza thong-wearing playboy hanging out with Ex-
W’s bunga-bunga Uncle Gary Goldsmith when he introduces George to fun....

Family characteristics such as Auntie Pippa’s helpful suggestions: always wear
a nappy when sitting on the Queen’s lap, practice your royal wave in front of
the mirror like I do, and only associate with other royals or aristocrats like I do.
Or Uncle James’ penchant for ‘erotic’ bakery goods: his cake company sells
one at £19.99, listed as ‘Scrummy boobies that make my hands happy’. Or a
‘Stud Muffin’ featuring an image of a man and the words: A willy that wriggles
and gives me the giggles’ and ‘A yummy bum for squeezy fun’. Hold on.
There's more: jokes about 'jiggly jugs', 'yummy bums' and 'wriggly willies'. Oh
dear me.

The Queen must be praying daily that the baby has inherited her genes.


Home and Away

‘Go Home’ vans have been trolling in 6 boroughs where multiculturalism is the
most obvious. “Go Home or Face Arrest” – “106 arrests in your area last week”
posters are there to scare. You’re next. Oh the nasty party is turning itself into
the Nazi party. A bit too Germany in the 1930’s.

PM CallMeDave has announced its success and the plan is to roll it out all
across the country. Curiously there are no statistics. Really Dave. No statistics?
A sinister scare tactic to gain votes, Dave? Seriously. Do most illegal
immigrants even read English, Dave?

Although this has the inspiration of Tories-to-win strategist, Lynton Crosby. In
his country, the exhausted and desperate are left to die in the boats which are
not permitted onto precious Australian shores. So little land...so many
despairing people. ‘Genuine refugees’ are sent directly to Papua New Guinea
where abject poverty, corruption and anti-gay policies are prevalent. Ritualistic
head-hunting and cannibalism were practiced into the 70’s – or so.

Britain would be £8 billion, yes, billion worse off without immigration – so get
over it. From the ‘silly season’ to the scary season surely.


Separated At Birth

The town, Bland in Australia wants to join the win towns, Dull and Boring. Can
we assume the former is a dull village in Perthshire, Scotland while the latter is
a boring town in Oregon?

Oregon politicians want to create an official ‘Boring and Dull Day’ on August 9
to celebrate what the twin towns represent. Ever so bland that is.

Australian Gail Platz from Bland: “We have loved our visit to Dull. There is
beautiful scenery and friendly people. We are very excited about teaming up
with Dull and Boring.” Yawning must be a common, contagious experience.
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