LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
22 April 2017
She Snapped                     

Non-elected PM Theresa ‘snapped’. After announcing, assuring, promising,
pledging, guaranteeing, stating, swearing Theresa has changed her adamantly
held position, as you know. Steely? Oh surely not. Callous?  Not Theresa.
Pathologically secretive. Never. She has shown no evidence of being ruthless
has she? Broken promises, U-turns, outright lies; not Teflon Theresa. You pop
out for milk and when you return – Theresa has declared herself dictator. Who
knew?

The Tory MPs will be required to sign up to a manifesto committing their party to
Theresa’s ‘hard Brexit’. Is that legal? Oh. I forgot. The Tories led by Theresa are
above the law aren’t they? I’m thinking be afraid, be very afraid.

What has been the response to her broken promise you ask? Well, the serfs are
still genuflecting to the Empress. “Your Imperial Majesty, please continue
increasing those radical, anti-humane, manipulative austerity cuts. And now one
of our favourites, Philip Hammond, plans to raise taxes. We so love suffering
and look forward so much more. Thank you, thank you. We will all be white Little
Britain together. How cosy. Think of rationing…ahhhh.”

For outspoken Labour MP Dennis Skinner, the real reason is for her ‘snapping’:
“It’s quite clear: it’s because the Crown Prosecution Service are due to make a
decision on Tory election expenses. Reports suggest that the CPS are
investigating more than 30 people, including “a raft” of Conservative MPs and
their agents, over election expenses from 2015. She could be in power one
week, and if they’re charged, she’ll be out next week”. Really? I’m holding my
breath.

Spoiler alert! You may fall into a comatose state due to Theresa’s  endless
repetition. You’ve been warned. Theresa has been “very clear”. For proof, you
can read the examples. So, 30 June 2016: “There should be no general election
until 2020. There should be a normal autumn statement held in the normal way,
at the normal time, and no emergency budget,” and on 4 September 2016:
Conservative leadership launch statement “I’m not going to be calling a snap
election. I’ve been very clear that I think we need that period of time, that
stability, to be able to deal with the issues that the country is facing and have
that election in 2020”, followed by (you’re surely losing concentration, or the will
to live) 2 October 2016: speaking on the Andrew Marr Show, “I think it’s right
that the next general election is in 2020. This isn’t about political games, it’s
about what is right for the country. I think an early general election would
introduce a note of instability for people”, there’s more…7 March 2017: Theresa
May’s interview with The Sunday Times; it is not something the Prime Minister
“plans to do or wishes to do”, OK we’re at the end; on 20 March 2017: No 10
source responding to William Hague’s call for a snap General Election “There
isn’t going to be one. It isn’t going to happen. There is not going to be a general
election.” Get it? “There is not going to be a general election.”

The Guardian’s Anne Perkins: “Theresa May has turned democracy against
itself… There will be no obligation on her to reflect the views of the minority
position… She is resetting politics in a way that will entrench division. We will all
rue this day.” Help!

The Independent’s Matthew Norman: “With barely disguised brutality and
entirely blatant cynicism, the prime minister intends to destroy Labour as a
viable party of government for a very long time, if not for ever.” Help!

The Mirror’s Kevin Maguire: "Theresa May has called an election to hammer
Labour - any other 'reason' is cooked-up spin’.  So we will have a flattened
Corbyn". Help!

Representing the Tories on Taunton Deane council, having already resigned,
Gwil Wren: “Principally this seems to be because supporting Brexit offers an
electoral opportunity to control people who would never otherwise contemplate
voting Conservative…it is this kind of short term, cynical, party before nation
attitude that really disturbs me.” She said it was “unforgivable”. Help!

Mark Carney, the Governor of the Bank of England, has warned us: leaving the
EU could damage trust, disrupt capital flows and restrict trade resulting in “fewer
jobs, lower growth and higher domestic risks.” Help!

Oh Theresa. Oh Theresa. All that pathological secretiveness and quelle surprise
- everything you do is blatantly obvious. So will Totalitarian-Theresa remain
totally Teflon…inspired by Turkey? Theresa is a law unto herself if you having
noticed. In unison now: Help!

Theresa, the devoted Christian compassionate conservative said she had
changed her mind on a recent walking holiday with her husband in Wales. Oh.
So it wasn’t God then? “Theresa! Listen up! It’s me, your God! If you want to
become a demigod, act like one! Look what I just did in Turkey. You know you
want to.”

All is not well at Number 10. After Theresa’s confidants, chief of staffs Nick
Timothy and Fiona Hill came to power in July to form a small secretive
omnipotent decision-making group.

Theresa’s staff have been jumping ship at a sudden and staggering often rate.
Well-respected Number 10 press secretary Lizzie Louden, Theresa’s most
senior political spinner quit following the abrupt resignation of communications
director Katie Perrior earlier this week.

Her official spokeswoman Helen Bower, Whitehall's most respected
communication chief, quit in December, followed by Ms Bower's deputy, Greg
Swift, even Britain's EU Ambassador Sir Ivan Rogers quit in January after
delivering a devastating attack on Theresa’s “muddled thinking” over Brexit. We
didn’t know she ever thought about it as she clearly has no plan.

In February her national security adviser Mark Lyall-Grant, followed Jim O'Neill,
who quit as a Treasury Minister within weeks of the Theresa’s take-over of
Number 10. Even Bank of England governor Mark Carney announced he was
quitting two years early. Blimey!

But Theresa has had a cunning plan or two. She created a ‘special relationship’
with the
Daily Mail’s notorious editor, Paul Dacre, making him feel ‘special’ by
inviting him to Number 10 on December 2016. The only other-very-important-
persons were Viscount Rothermere, the
Daily Mail owner who was invited for
dinner six months previously –– and the
Mail on Sunday editor Geordie Greig.  

And Theresa has hired former
Daily Mail political editor James Slack as her
official spokesman. Collusion with her new best friends? Really? Really.

Well, just look at the
Daily Mail’s Saturday cover: “And we shall crush the
Saboteurs”; Lenin 19 January 1918, or as the
Mail splashed: ‘CRUSH THE
SABOTEURS. It’s being called chilling, fascistic, deranged. Or is that opinion
referring to Theresa? Evidently those little after-dinner mints served at Number
10 worked a treat.

Next plan: ruthless Theresa has hired ruthless Australian Lynton Crosby. You
remember. The despicable, immoral same who was given a knighthood by
CallMeDave after he secured him the prime minister office. OK. That decides it.
Labour will be a vague memory.

So we are left with one irrationally rabid right-wing expense-fraud-practicing
immigrant-hating Remain-blaming party. Now isn’t that democracy at its most
perfect?

She invited the TV cameras into her first Cabinet meeting as Prime Minister to
record her telling ministers that “politics is not a game”. Theresa has claimed
that she was calling a general election to stop the “game playing” of opposition
parties. Oh please. So let the games begin. Let’s play Gina Miller’s “Do what’s
best for Britain!” (actually a group against a hard Brexit). The businesswoman
who defeated the government in the courts over the triggering of Article 50, has
raised more than £160,000 after just one day as more than 5,000 people
donated to the campaign urging voters to back her campaign. I’m thinking Gina
for PM.

And the way down in the polls Labour party? “It’s toast” replied one of the plebs
when asked for his opinion live on telly. Toast.


It’s Toast

In separate incidents, Victoria, Oxford Circus, Sloane Square, Wood Lane tube
stations were forced to close and were evacuated last week. Why you ask? I
know you didn’t unless you were personally involved, however the cause was:
toast. Burnt toast. Staff burnt their toast in their mess rooms, causing safety
alerts. Burnt toast – now considered carcinogenic – not such a good idea
anyway, guys.

1,000 tube stations closed over the past three years. This last week for example,
Sloane Square due to a lost home brewing kit, South Kensington with a
suspected hand grenade, and Edgware Road shut because of smoke from an e-
cigarette used by a staff member. You know you had no idea did you?


Hair Apparent

The media’s new favourite – having given Gwynnie and Jen time off – Harry’s
new ‘love’ Meghan Markel, has been caught out copying Ex-Waity’s
unforgettable five-hour-a-day hair style. Oh not obvious. Hmmm. Do you
suppose she could be in a remake of All About Eve featuring both of them?
Really. Ex-W would naturally play the Bette Davis role. Sounds good, but they
would demand playing the roles with their signature hair surely.


Broad Reach

All right. It’s over and it’s not coming back. We watched the last episode of
Broadchurch – although it has been hinted that there could be a spin-off.

Critics as usual were divided: it was brilliant, it was unimpressive. Trish played
by Julie Hesmondhalgh gave an exclusive interview to Rape Crisis, hoping to
raise funds. Be prepared to gasp – and if you don’t - you should. They have
raised £10 since the appeal. With rape endemic, it is thought that all these
crimes against women we are subject to in nearly every crime drama are seen
as entertainment. We are not amused.

Considering the intense, shocking, revealing monologue as to why the character
raped, you would surely expect more than a mere £10 wouldn’t you? Even the
writer Chris Chibnall has admitted when writing the final episode, he found it so
emotional that he broke down in tears.

Accolades are really unnecessary as the acting, the writing surpassed anything
else on telly.
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