| LETTERS FROM LONDON |
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| REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL 6 July 2019 |
| Pass the - What? Money? Let’s just start off with “huh”? Trust me here. You will be saying “huh” – audibly. Your other choice is WTF!? And it isn’t even politics – well, as yet. Mega-star, super-rich, enormously famous Ed Sheeran - pushing ketchup? Ketchup!!!??? No worse, Heinz ketchup!!! Not a small bespoke local entrepreneurial company. But – Heinz! Off my Xmas list, Ed. Mr “I am a really nice, normal, one of you guys”. How much was Ed paid then? Or why? Possibly as he is planning to install a large pizza oven that bakes three large pizzas simultaneously as well as two barbecues on his estate. As you do. Pass the Heinz…. Clever Like a Fox Back to pathetic political happy hunting. Oh make it all stop!!! Each day brings another new moment of utter stupidity, another promise the idiots know they can't deliver, another strategic gaffe. As we all know, Hunt wants hunting – restored by repealing the fox hunting ban. You know, it’s “part of our heritage”. Oh that is just so sad as his rationale. The hunting ban that hasn’t really stopped all fox hunting is universally unpopular. Rabid feral dogs bred to race to scare to death to shred to death hiding foxes. Lovely, Jeremy. Getting desperate? Surely not. Clever like a fox? Clearly not. We are waiting for the next major fox-inspired faux pas (I know), Jeremy. This one lasted less than forty-five minutes before he had to ‘clarify’. Ha. Right. The country is a humiliating world-wide embarrassment, a total chaotic shambolic mess and the solution? Slaughtering foxes. Just brilliant. And our boy, bumbling Boris? As mayor of London Boris urged citizens to set up hunts to cull urban foxes. Only joking? “This will cause massive unpopularity and I don’t care. I’m pro liberty and individual freedom. If people want to get together to form the fox hounds of Islington, I’m all for it.” He voted against the hunting ban in the 2000s as MP for Henley, but – and there is always a ‘but’ isn’t there? - this year Boris accepted a £16,000 donation from the master of the Isle of Wight hunt. Not joking. Not joking about the very fact that Boris can’t be trusted with any vital, valuable information re MI6 because he has a habit of opening his mouth and revealing crucial information. Boris naturally denies it. But then he would as he knew nothing about it. Just saying…. Slave Masters EU the oppressor? Ann, you oppress us by your very existence. Brexit Party MEP, former Conservative minister Ann Widdecome has been condemned after comparing Brexit to slaves rising up “against their owners” in her first fierce irrational address/rant to the European Parliament. What a vile hideous offensive ‘woman’. Oh Ann. Careful. Hope she doesn’t have any – erm heart problems. No worries. She doesn’t have one. Go home to mummy, Ann. Assuming Ann was one of the 29 mindless Brexit Party members who turned their backs or was it a bit of …’up your bum’ sort of thing? Or just “Does my bum look big in this?”... as Ode of Joy (the EU’s anthem) played opening the first session of the new European Parliament. Perhaps they should forego their salaries, expenses and pensions. Or perhaps, they shouldn’t even be there. Save us from even more public toe-curling humiliation. Do or Die Kill me now. Please. “Do or die” Brexit Boris has promised – I hear loud laughing – anything he can think of. Although, ‘thinking’ and Boris – not quite the perfect fit. Meanwhile The Telegraph has reported that Al aka Boris is now considering a massive cull of Whitehall ministries after he bullies his way into power. The front page headline: “Johnson plans to cut Cabinet by half.” It’s being referred to as ‘Revenge Reshuffle’. Here is the best bit. Most of the departments targeted - Work and Pensions, Justice, Culture, Business and International Trade - all just happen to be run by ministers who have refused to back Boris. Oh he is nasty revengeful man. But we already knew that. Adding to all the ‘truths revealed’ about his lack of ethics, honesty, character, really – no, really scary violent temper. Here’s a rather amusing example. Oxymoron I know. According to former Tory MP Ben Howlett: “Just received a phone call from @BorisJohnson call centre. Last time I spoke to Boris he asked me who [sic] I worked for in a @HouseofCommons lift — I replied I worked on two of his campaigns and had just become an MP. Two weeks later he asked me same question….” Hmm. Now what does that tell us then? Over to you. Travel Broadens the Mind Back to the Brexit Party. New Brexit Party MEP has only been in the job a month, and he is complaining already. Not about the usual, but about commuting! He has already taken to Twitter to complain about the commute involved to get to the European parliament. The supercilious, pompous, patronising, condescending, “Doctor” David Bull, who lived at least a decade in – LA – unnecessary to comment on that – where he was there stuffing his fitted suit jacket pockets with cash and acting as the ultimate Brit with his affected unauthentic received pronunciation. Don’t you know. Off the point, sorry. Best to let the man speak for himself. Oh. And the obsessive Brexiteer once presented TV's Most Haunted. Oh dear me. He was criticised for posting a video on social media where he complained about the eight hour journey to his job, which involved four trains. Oh dear. Goodness gracious me. Collective empathetic sighs here. "This is the beginning of my trip to Strasbourg. So it's eight hours, and as you can see here, is the first of many trains. So this is Ipswich to London Liverpool Street, so after that I have to go from London Liverpool Street to King's Cross. From King's Cross I then have to go to Paris, and then after Paris I then have to change stations. I then have to go from Paris to Strasbourg, and I arrive at something like twenty to seven tonight. And I'm going to have to do this repeatedly because for some reason parliament seems to be in a very inaccessible place." Ah. They didn’t even consider him. Surely not added to his expenses…. Right. Naturally his poor-me post has provoked hundreds of responses - with viewers of his video quick to respond: "Nobody made you take the job. But if you do take it, it's democracy. Get over it." Others suggested he move. I’m thinking out of the country – or possibly back to LA. He could then maintain his tan. A Coup de Grâce Reality check. A new YouGov poll puts Labour in fourth place — fourth place! — with its lowest-ever score of 18 percent. “The only previous occasion when Labour have scored 18 percent since polling began in the 1940s was in May 2009 as Gordon Brown’s government grappled with the financial crisis.” Making a case for: panic!!! The Labour Party is disappearing before our very eyes. Ipsos MORI has only 23 per cent thinking Jezza is a capable leader. Blimey! Down from 32 per cent April last year. Blimey! Nige gets 32, Boris gets 33, even Hunt 37. Good in a crisis? Not Jezza. Only 19 per cent. Sound judgement? 21 per cent (from 30). Perspective needed? Hunt at 36. Oh dear. More honest? Down from 47 to 32. Blimey! is needed here. Even Nige is at 34. No really! Personality? Only 22 per cent, down from 39. Ready? Nige wins with 61! Naturally the illusion continues with Boris. He received 79! Even with out of touch with ordinary people, 47 per cent up from 39, ties with Nige. No! Good prime minister? Only 22 per cent! Hero of Glastonbury 2017? A distance memory. Effective opposition party? Not a chance. Jezza is still acting out his ‘displeasure’ with anyone who doesn’t fit in the personality cult. John McDonnell? Not him!? Yes. Him. Who would have thought? He’s out. End of. There are rumours of a deal circulating among Labour MPs that McDonnell would offer his and Momentum’s support to Emily Thornberry, Keir Starmer or Angela Rayner. Finally a moment of intelligence. The tactical attempt referred to as JC’s ‘constructive ambiguity’ has reverted to cult martyrdom via JC’s tweets. Gosh. A coup of the cult then…? Beaten at One’s Own Game “Greatest team in the history of the sport.” “Greatest team in the history of the world.” “Ruthless, fit, determined.” “They called the shots. They set the agenda, England had to follow.” Right. And that is why England could have won with 3:2 - except for a missed penalty and a questionable offside goal (plus an England substitute goal keeper). And the team the British sports presenters were hysterically embarrassingly gushing over didn’t exactly win with 17:nil then did they? It was 2:1. The US won by one goal celebrated with Alex Morgan miming how she thinks the British drink their cups of tea with her display of utter class – lessness. And then there is the spitting. Yuck. Brits are falling all over themselves, rather like the English players ’tripped’ by the ‘so brilliant’ US team. What game were they watching exactly? Lost on me. Keepin’ the Faith, Baby Royal journalist: “They are punishing us”, particularly the loyal, devoted, sycophantic peasants. It is basically a “FUCK YOU!!!!” and we want more money. Secret christening, secret godparents. They will NEVER reveal the godparents. NEVER! Did you get that? Oh MM. Are we doing ‘reverse psychology’ here? You know, MM. Like by making the baby like the focus while giving like nothing makes all those like really sad “We love Meghan” devotees wanting more and giving up their lives to follow all your little hints. Oh MM. This could all reverse when people stop saying “It’s her baby” and add, “We’re paying for those multi-millionaires and deserve more. It’s the royal family! It’s our baby, too!” “Yo Harry. Look at like all the attention I am like getting. Oh right. We are getting. I am just like so brilliantly manipulative. There I was, a B actress, OK not even, with no job possibilities and now! That tiny foot photo – that one of his eyes, in like sepia, slightly out of focus. Secret christening. Secret godparents. It’s all like going so like well. Is that Oprah’s helicopter…” Stop! They have released a photo! Another staged, ‘arty’ black and white photo. Come on. It’s weird. So specifically scheming and slightly creepy. No. No “ahhhs”! Surely the Queen– erm – stepped in to remind them that they actually aren’t celebrities. Nooo! Really? Bon chance. Although she did possibly force them to pose with the rest of the royals for the official christening photo. Hmm. |
