|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
20 October 2018
|Mean to Say
Now wasn’t that just lovely? Eugenie models herself and her wedding after her
role model, Meghan of course, and how does MM respond? Why she and Harry
announced her pregnancy at Eugenie’s wedding. Oh yes, you just know that is –
wrong! So wrong. Really wrong! OK and mean, rude, uncouth, bad-mannered,
tasteless, inexcusable, nasty, vulgar – erm – anything else? Crude, crass – just
“Hmm. How could I possibly upstage Eugenie? Hmm. I can always repeatedly
flip my hair, that long strand I use for that purpose. Hmm. I could clutch, cling
onto Harry and look up at him dotingly, deferentially, dutifully as always. Well, I
am an actress, even if only a ‘z’ actress, oh I mean ‘b’ actress - if that. I’ll think
of something. I always do. I always have.”
Surely you got your copy of The Daily Mail, having devoted 11 pages and an 8-
page pull-out on the pregnancy. Oh god. Not a pull-out! Harry told the Aussies
that he “couldn’t think of a better place than Australia to announce” it.
Oh Harry. You already did. Clue: your cousin’s wedding? The very same cousin
you are so ‘close to’. Yes, that one. Sighing audibly here.
Keeping the Commonwealth sweet then? Wouldn’t want even 24 hours to pass
without H&M getting the world’s full attention, would we? Ohhhh this is going to
be just nauseatingly, pathetically, annoyingly endless.
Now that Australia is Harry’s new favourite country, he might want to be aware
that Australian prime minister, Scott Morrison, has announced during the
hysterical homage to H&M’s visit, he is considering moving the country’s
embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. You know. Australia…that country
that allowed desperate refugees to drown in their boats, and then there are those
‘camps’ where others are dumped to die. Babbie and children included.
Charming. Eh Harry?
Wait. Let’s not forget a baby was on MM’s ‘bucket list’. Let’s try that again:
‘bucket list’. A baby is on your bucket list. Really? Oh right. Missed the point. A
royal baby was on her royal ‘bucket list’. She will be able to remind the child that
it was the result of her ticking it off her bucket list at 37, right after ‘marry into
the royal family’.
“Hey! Hey you guys! Wait! Just stop here! No title for this kid? No. No. NO! It, I
mean he or she, deserves one. Seventh in line! You are kidding! Why didn’t
anyone tell me about this?! Hmm. And Kate, don’t even think about adding
another one. I am warning you. Well. The Queen will just have to step in and at
least give a Duke or Duchess title. No prince or princess. Arghhh!!! I have my
work cut out here. Watch this space!”
Oh and the bride? Remember her? Her ‘big’ day? A source said: "Eugenie
disappeared for a while after Harry and Meghan told the royal family the news. It
"tipped Eugenie over the edge. She felt furious at having been upstaged again
by Harry and Meghan." Evidently Eugenie was so furious that she immediately
left the room following Markle's spotlight-stealing baby bombshell. Bad enough
she had received bad press when the peasants were not happy about the £2m
for her security - and then MM ruining her reception. But MM didn’t really get
any ‘bad’ press for such a manipulative move. Hmm. Totally Teflon.
Good for a Laugh
According to the Mirror, “MPs burst out laughing today when Theresa May said
Brexit talks were in their ‘final stages’”.
“Later MPs burst out laughing for a second time when Mrs May said two
problems remain.” With one MP heard to say: “Boris!” Goodness me. “The PM
was mauled by her own Tory MPs as she all but confirmed she is refusing to set
a firm end date on her “backstop” – backup – plan to keep EU customs rules
across the UK.” And the adult in the room stand up. Oh right…
Theresa said: ‘make them stop laughing at me Phil!’ No. Joking. Actually, she
said: “The ‘backup backup’ is needed because the ‘backup’ can’t be negotiated
in time in the next few weeks…” However, this ‘backup backup’ will drive a
border between Northern Ireland and the rest of the UK. So, no ‘backstop’ – ‘no-
deal’ Brexit then.
Theresa is certainly an expert in – back-sliding. Backstop, backup, back to the
future then, Theresa? How many backups of our backups are we going to need,
Theresa? Clearly not a laughing matter is it? But it is seemingly hopeless. The
Northern Irish are not laughing, Theresa.
Reasons Not to be Cheerful
The Observer: evidently last May JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon said in a
Bloomberg TV interview that the odds for the next crisis are “100 percent”. Now
that sounds definitive. Unfortunately, he didn’t predict the date.
However, in August, Pimco (Pacific Investment Management Co.) chief
investment officer Marc Seidner said at an industry event that there is a “70
percent” chance for a recession to hit global markets – ready? in the next five
years. “If we were trying to look for historic analogues to the current
environment in terms of monetary policy and possible unwind in the period to
come, there are none.” Yikes!
And the UK economy? That is on course for its worst year of growth since the
2008-09 financial crisis, economic forecasters have warned. For the first time in
modern history, there are more families in poverty in work than out of work.
Want me to repeat that? There are more families in poverty in work than out of
work. The benefit freeze is a key part of that, and there is another £1.9 billion to
come off working-age benefits in April. Yikes, again!
The EY Item Club, the only non-government organisation to use the Treasury’s
forecasting model, has acknowledged that 2018 is the British economy's worst
year for almost a decade…and this does not! Include the looming ‘no-deal’
Brexit! Zero growth in GDP in August could be the clue. Not looking good is it,
Theresa? Now we really aren’t laughing.
Remember those Leave campaign ‘irregularities? Come on now. You know you
do. Well, there won’t be any investigation citing ‘political sensitivities’. In a word:
Scotland Yard received ‘substantial’ evidence of potential criminality by three
pro-Brexit campaigns. Three. So no progress nor a formal case into the
activities of either Mikey and Boris’ Vote Leave or Leave.EU, bankrolled by
Arron Banks. A Scotland Yard spokesman admitted there were issues and
“political sensitivities” that had to be taken into account. The Yard spokesman
later added that the political issues related to “any allegation or referral relating
to an election, and much else besides.” Is that clear now?
In May and July of this year, the UK Electoral Commission reported that multiple
breaches of electoral law, false declarations and covert campaign over-spending
had taken place by pro-Leave groups during the 2016 EU referendum. Sounds
simple enough doesn’t it? Simply convincing, no? The Met Police Service have
been “assessing evidence”; no formal case has been logged. Right. Point made.
More – or Less
The sixth mass extinction is underway, this time caused by humans. A team of
researchers have calculated that species are dying out so quickly that nature's
built-in defence mechanism, evolution, cannot keep up. If current conservation
efforts are not improved, so many mammal species will become extinct during
the next five decades that nature will need 3-5 million years to recover to current
biodiversity levels. And that's a best-case scenario. All together now:
OHMYGOD! Oh. Left speechless?
We clever caring humans are exterminating animal and plant species so quickly,
even rhinos and elephants are in danger of being “wiped out very rapidly”. What
is there to say? OHMYGOD! Isn’t going to it prevent it, is it?
A Closed Shop
You know you have been waiting, possibly dreaming of your very own very
private shopping spree at – not Harrods, not Harvey Nicks, but – John Lewis of
course. No. Really.
JL is calling this must-have, must-do the “ultimate bespoke shopping
experience”. I rather doubt that, but nevertheless, here’s the deal. You can
include friends and or family or be selfish and do it on your own… once the
Cheltenham branch is closed at the end of the day that is. You know what’s
coming…the cost. Ready? Trust me here, not ready yet… £10,000 – minimum!
Surely you need to know what excuse they are giving for such an entitled
experience. The director of customer experience, Peter Cross said: “Previously,
the reserve of exclusive boutiques for the famous few, we are bringing intimacy,
luxury and magic of personal shopping to the high street.” Ah. ‘The high street’ a
euphemism for ‘rich but not famous’? The ‘magic’ that only the ‘few’ famous
have known. Few? Hmm. Not terribly convincing if only a few of the rich and
famous have queued up for this offer….I know, I know. They never queue do
Reason to be Cheerful - finally
Lewes District Council has come up with a clever solution to a curious problem:
toads. Toads, endangered as they are, become trapped in roadside drains, not
good. They get stuck and can’t hop out. As they do. Who knew? What to do?
What to do? The council hopped to it and installed tiny, toad appropriate,
ladders in the sewers so that they could then hop out. So far, 80 toads have
been saved as well as some frogs and little newts. Little newts! Little newts on
ladders! What’s not to love?