LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
14 December 2014
The Royal Variety Performance

Goodness gracious me. Not a chink in the armour, a crack in the mirror? Oh
indeed it is, but few would notice.

With Brand Windsor lighting up all commoner's lives with their whirlwind visit to
NY meeting and greeting et al, there was that 'oops' moment when Ex-Waity was
shown wrapping presents for children - you know, that customary activity
politicians and royals do to prove they are 'just like us' - when evidently she was
informed that she was too slow. Well what a reaction from the princess-of-the-
frozen-expression. Oh dear oh dear.

If you missed it and surely you did: Ex-W turned her head enough to inform the
person-who-dared that we-are-not-amused. She narrowed her over-lined eyes to
an imperious 'if looks could kill' expression of disdain, condescension, contempt,
oh let's do hatred shall we. Clearly once was not enough, so she turned to the
other side and then back down to her wrapping endeavour, seething. Oh Ex-W.
Not in front of the children!

We used to see this a few years back when she would narrow her eyes and
scare babies and small children. We have heard that she is 'not very nice' to her
staff. You can imagine what life at the palace must be like. Hell possibly?

"American royalty meet British royalty" the press announced. Billionaires
Beyonce and J Zee? Really? If they are considered American Royalty, I would
worry.

While having a shared royal chat and bonding with the Princess of America at a
basketball game where they both looked like they were on their way to the office
in their stilettos...it was a BASKETBALL game FGS! Ex-W gave subliminal hair
messages stroking her obsessed-with-tresses:" Mine takes five hours every day.
Yours? Or is that a wig? Extensions?"

Clearly famous player Lebron James (I have no idea who he is, but then again, I
have a very strong aversion to basketball) was very lucky; he didn't lose his
head. He dared,
dared to touch the original lower class commoner cum
duchess. Yikes - twice! He put his arm around her shoulder. Call the royal
protocol police - now!

A UK journalist had the nerve to call the real Royal couple 'dull'. He was being
kind - or cautious.

                             
         ***
Oh joy. Not everyone finds them pointless and dull. Some people see dollars.
The royal family is now the intellectual property of the Walt Disney Company. No
really.
Really. They are going to be 'Disney-ed'. If you find this as truly bizarre
as I do, read on, all will be revealed. But if this is too surreal or silly, scroll down
to the mystery of the disappearing Duchess.

So the press release: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s popularity in the
US has prompted Disney to add the Windsors to its list of royal characters that
includes Princess Elsa, Pocahontas and Simba the lion.

Disney CEO Tom Logan said: “After our 100 per cent buy-out, the royal family
will be turned into cartoon characters for use in films, lunch boxes and marketing
tie-ins with burger chains."

Lunch boxes...even Ex-W's fanatically ambitious mother hasn't thought of that...
or has she? Lunch boxes, burger chains...oh this is all too fun and ridiculous to
believe.

And now for the details you've been breathlessly waiting for. “Our first project is
an animated feature set in the quaint kingdom of Englandia, where feisty
Princess Kate has to rescue Prince Wills from a dragon, which is the sort of
mildly feminist thing mums like."

“Our animators are redesigning William to make him into a handsome prince in
the classic Disney style. This will then be replicated by plastic surgeons to
prevent children becoming distraught during his public appearances. (Is that
their version of humour?)

No worries. Harry hasn't escaped. “We also have a delightful coming-of-age
story involving Prince Harry about a drunken, happy-go-lucky goblin who
discovers he is actually an heir to the throne.” Charming...sorry, couldn't resist.

Disney is also planning to revamp royal assets such as Buckingham Palace,
which will be renamed Magical Windsor World and feature parades of dancing
guardsmen led by the Queen in a cartoonised costume of herself." Won't she be
thrilled. Do you suppose Logan is aware of the fact that a guardsmen was given
'time off' for doing a bit of a - quick-step recently?

Logan added: “Some royals, such as Princess Eugenie and the Duke of
Edinburgh, are proving harder to find a use for, so they are being popped into
cryogenic storage with Walt.”

Oh goodness me. Wont the imperious Ex-W be amused. But then again, she
could ask Disney to include Will's perfect clone as the Royals have no problem
selling the brand via baby George do they - regardless of how sweet and ever so
perfectly chosen the three newly released photos are. Hmmmm. Do I think a
baby-centred sequel is already planned....should they rush that?

                                      
 ***
Ex-W has been avoiding all social events with Wills. Stop the royally obsessed
world. Troubles on planet perfect perhaps?

On eight major mandatory-spouse-included occasions - including four weddings
and oh no this looks verrry bad - the christening earlier this month of Zara
Phillips’s daughter Mia. Now admit it. This is beyond suspicious. Where was
she? Shopping in Norfolk three days beforehand and the Palace didn't give the
excuse that she was shopping for a christening present.

More suspicions raised. Ex-W was also pictured shopping on the day William’s
closest friend Tom van Straubenzee married Lady Melissa Percy, the Duke of
Northumberland’s daughter, last year. William was Tom’s best man. Hmmm. All
that shopping and she ends up looking more middle-aged than her mother.

So what's her latest Machiavellian plan then? Can't imagine. Not the centre of
attention? Discovering she will never be 'the new Diana' regardless of how much
the press is pushing it down our unwilling throats as if we were pate producing
geese.

Recently, she avoided a charity carol concert in honour of Will's late friend
Henry van Straubenzee. Now that is just sooo not nice.

You might recall Ex-W was almost literally glued to Will every time he took a step
outside - before they were married. Now that she's finished with 'the heir and the
spare' obligatory duty she is acting rahhhhther queen-like wouldn't you say? Ex-
W recently admonished one of William’s close female friends for her sloppy (ie
drunken?) behaviour.

Get out while you can Wills.
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