Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Royals
Putting His Money Where His House Is - 4 October 2006
The Prince of Transylvania? So Charles is not merely The Prince of Wales then. Whilst Chas the
Spoilt may be centuries from Vlad the Impaler, genealogists have traced Charles’ bloodline, as it
were, to the other prince. Well, well. Quite the well-kept secret. All along we had thought the ex-
Tory leader, Michael Howard was the only one who “had something of the night about him”.
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When Mother Doesn't Always Know Best - 16 April 2007
"We don't talk to the press," said Pippa, Kate “he’s lucky to have me” Middleton’s sister. Is that
the royal ‘we’ then? Hasn’t the poor woman been informed? It’s over. No tiara for Kate or for her
mother, Carole. It’s all down market from here.
RIP? Not a Chance - 1 September 2007
mess, wouldn’t you? More
Philip, You Didn't....  5 October 2007
Get out your pads and pens. It’s time to play You the Jury. Greet your new best friends for the
next 6 months, 11 chosen-by-ballot jurors. Tick boxes ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you want to ever get back
to normal life so that you can be the first to sell your story to a voracious tabloid, ‘maybe’ is not
an option.?
Not the 'C' Word... 15 October 2007
No longer a thrown down gauntlet, a duel at dawn - it’s a playground punch up.
Conservative leader chameleon Cameron and coward PM Gordon Brown have been mixing and
matching policies and spinning faster than a circus performer grasping a strap between his teeth.
Before we have time to climb out of our seats, their popularity will be based solely on their hair.
Helmet vs quiff.
No Woman, No Cry - 14 March 2008
“Camilla will have a banana – medium in size, fairly ripe, thinly and evenly sliced.”
“Oh Charles. For God’s sake! Don’t even
utter the bloody word. Simply pass the knife.”
“Don’t be a
total muppet, Charles. Sod the fruit. I am going to stab myself.”
“Yourself? Oh do let me get you someone to assist.”
If the Truth Be Told - 11 April 2008
One major problem with conspiracy theories; they have an uncanny way of rearing their little
heads decades later and announcing: “Told you so. Told you so.”
The murders of Martin Luther King, the Kennedys, the 9/11 facts that struggle to correspond to
reality, Elvis – oh no, definitely not Elvis… will the same be true of the Diana inquest? Have we
put our money – in this instance £12m – where our collective mouths are?
The Fly Boys - 25 April 2008
“Look at me! Look at me, Wendy! I can flyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Prince William has been given his wings and we are all so proud. He has taken to the skies like a
£5,000 an-hour-public-paying- albatross. He has made five free helicopter ‘joyrides’ in a mere
few weeks and counting. Glance up at the sound of a massive troupe-carrying Chinook and wave
to fly-boy Wills.  
You Say "Goodbye" and I Say "Hello, Hello, Hello" - 22 May 2008
“100 pages of unrivalled coverage detailing the first royal wedding of the new generation. It
includes stunning photos of the fairytale ceremony at St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle and
the evening celebrations at stately mansion Frogmore House, as well as an intimate, step-by-
step account of the proceedings,” according to celebrity suck-up magazine, Hello! They had front
row seats at the royal wedding of the Queen’s first grandchild. Dear me.  
Dressed to Kill - 1 February 2009
Waity Katie, aka Kate “He’s lucky to have me” Middleton, has developed a taste for blood, blood
sports – animal blood. She has moved on from tiny vampire bats and clay pigeons to warm-
blooded heart-beating massive majestics; she’s become a deer-stalker. Charming.
Shameless - 21 August 2009                    
Sarah wants to help. Sarah understands your pain. Sarah has returned inspired by the
sycophantic American response to royalty. Sarah is one of us. Sarah is just like you… if you are
living on a council estate in Northern Moor, Wythenshawe, South Manchester that is. Sarah the
Duchess stayed at a guest house popular with the cast and crew of
Shameless while filming her
Duchess on the Estate.  More
An Embarassment of Riches - 31 May 2010
“Hi ya Honey. Oprah! It’s me, Fergie! Me. Me the Duchess of York, the mother of the fifth and
god’s sake, ex royalty for god’s sake…still an aristocrat though. Good. Now down to business. I
need to do a mea culpa on your show immediately. What can you do for me? Wait a moment
here. You surely don’t want me to bring up that lesbian–run African school again do you? Good.
Tomorrow it is. I’ll need a team of expert make-up artists to be ready when I get there. Don’t let
them forget the hair extensions. Bye Hon.”
Keeping Up (dull) Appearances - 16th November 2010
The plan successful and implemented, “he’s lucky to have me” princess in waiting, Waitie Katy,
is now queen in waiting. One bonus is that her mother may actually be allowed into
Buckingham Palace without having to buy a ticket.