| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Royals |
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Putting His Money Where His House Is - 4 October 2006
The Prince of Transylvania? So Charles is not merely The Prince of Wales then. Whilst Chas the
Spoilt may be centuries from Vlad the Impaler, genealogists have traced Charles’ bloodline, as it
were, to the other prince. Well, well. Quite the well-kept secret. All along we had thought the ex-
Tory leader, Michael Howard was the only one who “had something of the night about him”.
The Prince of Transylvania? So Charles is not merely The Prince of Wales then. Whilst Chas the
Spoilt may be centuries from Vlad the Impaler, genealogists have traced Charles’ bloodline, as it
were, to the other prince. Well, well. Quite the well-kept secret. All along we had thought the ex-
Tory leader, Michael Howard was the only one who “had something of the night about him”.
Dave’s Big Clear Out- 26 June
Let’s Make a Deal. Too late. Dave has gone underground; Dave is in hiding. “Linley has sold his
soul,” suggested one courtier. Princess Margaret’s son Viscount David Linley, aka Dave as he
prefers, has also incensed and alienated his father, Anthony Armstrong-Jones…said to be
positively livid and driven to despair, fallen out with his sister Lady Sarah Chatto, upset the
Queen…never clever, been labelled blokeish, vulgar and greedy – and now in the money. No
more standing in a 45 minute queue at Ikea like a peasant; he can now afford his own furniture.
Let’s Make a Deal. Too late. Dave has gone underground; Dave is in hiding. “Linley has sold his
soul,” suggested one courtier. Princess Margaret’s son Viscount David Linley, aka Dave as he
prefers, has also incensed and alienated his father, Anthony Armstrong-Jones…said to be
positively livid and driven to despair, fallen out with his sister Lady Sarah Chatto, upset the
Queen…never clever, been labelled blokeish, vulgar and greedy – and now in the money. No
more standing in a 45 minute queue at Ikea like a peasant; he can now afford his own furniture.
Foot in Mouth Disease- 22 February 2006
“We say it is absolutely vital to the position of the claimant, and anyone else in his position, that
this sort of document cannot be published willy nilly by the press,” or so declares Hugh Tomlinson
QC for Prince Charles. Oh that willy nilly legalise.
“We say it is absolutely vital to the position of the claimant, and anyone else in his position, that
this sort of document cannot be published willy nilly by the press,” or so declares Hugh Tomlinson
QC for Prince Charles. Oh that willy nilly legalise.
Diana: DOA? - 12 February
PictureNewcastle. Okay, pretend…. Picture a seemingly unassuming building. Picture a warren
of rooms. Picture two laptops. Picture two laptops missing from an unnamed room, from an
unmarked building; one on one occasion, one on another. Picture no forced entry. What do we
have here you might ask. In a country that loves a mystery/crime drama, it is irony run amuck.
PictureNewcastle. Okay, pretend…. Picture a seemingly unassuming building. Picture a warren
of rooms. Picture two laptops. Picture two laptops missing from an unnamed room, from an
unmarked building; one on one occasion, one on another. Picture no forced entry. What do we
have here you might ask. In a country that loves a mystery/crime drama, it is irony run amuck.
When Mother Doesn't Always Know Best - 16 April 2007
"We don't talk to the press," said Pippa, Kate “he’s lucky to have me” Middleton’s sister. Is that
the royal ‘we’ then? Hasn’t the poor woman been informed? It’s over. No tiara for Kate or for her
mother, Carole. It’s all down market from here. More
"We don't talk to the press," said Pippa, Kate “he’s lucky to have me” Middleton’s sister. Is that
the royal ‘we’ then? Hasn’t the poor woman been informed? It’s over. No tiara for Kate or for her
mother, Carole. It’s all down market from here. More
RIP? Not a Chance - 1 September 2007
You’d think Diana herself was mischievously orchestrating what turned out to be quite a memorial
mess, wouldn’t you? More
You’d think Diana herself was mischievously orchestrating what turned out to be quite a memorial
mess, wouldn’t you? More
Philip, You Didn't.... 5 October 2007
Get out your pads and pens. It’s time to play You the Jury. Greet your new best friends for the
next 6 months, 11 chosen-by-ballot jurors. Tick boxes ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you want to ever get back
to normal life so that you can be the first to sell your story to a voracious tabloid, ‘maybe’ is not
an option.? More
Get out your pads and pens. It’s time to play You the Jury. Greet your new best friends for the
next 6 months, 11 chosen-by-ballot jurors. Tick boxes ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you want to ever get back
to normal life so that you can be the first to sell your story to a voracious tabloid, ‘maybe’ is not
an option.? More
Not the 'C' Word... 15 October 2007
No longer a thrown down gauntlet, a duel at dawn - it’s a playground punch up.
Conservative leader chameleon Cameron and coward PM Gordon Brown have been mixing and
matching policies and spinning faster than a circus performer grasping a strap between his teeth.
Before we have time to climb out of our seats, their popularity will be based solely on their hair.
Helmet vs quiff. More
No longer a thrown down gauntlet, a duel at dawn - it’s a playground punch up.
Conservative leader chameleon Cameron and coward PM Gordon Brown have been mixing and
matching policies and spinning faster than a circus performer grasping a strap between his teeth.
Before we have time to climb out of our seats, their popularity will be based solely on their hair.
Helmet vs quiff. More
No Woman, No Cry - 14 March 2008
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you glad to see me?
“Camilla will have a banana – medium in size, fairly ripe, thinly and evenly sliced.”
“Oh Charles. For God’s sake! Don’t even utter the bloody word. Simply pass the knife.”
“Oh Darling. You surely aren’t proposing to cut the banana yourself are you?”
“Don’t be a total muppet, Charles. Sod the fruit. I am going to stab myself.”
“Yourself? Oh do let me get you someone to assist.” More
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you glad to see me?
“Camilla will have a banana – medium in size, fairly ripe, thinly and evenly sliced.”
“Oh Charles. For God’s sake! Don’t even utter the bloody word. Simply pass the knife.”
“Oh Darling. You surely aren’t proposing to cut the banana yourself are you?”
“Don’t be a total muppet, Charles. Sod the fruit. I am going to stab myself.”
“Yourself? Oh do let me get you someone to assist.” More
If the Truth Be Told - 11 April 2008
One major problem with conspiracy theories; they have an uncanny way of rearing their little
heads decades later and announcing: “Told you so. Told you so.”
The murders of Martin Luther King, the Kennedys, the 9/11 facts that struggle to correspond to
reality, Elvis – oh no, definitely not Elvis… will the same be true of the Diana inquest? Have we
put our money – in this instance £12m – where our collective mouths are? More
One major problem with conspiracy theories; they have an uncanny way of rearing their little
heads decades later and announcing: “Told you so. Told you so.”
The murders of Martin Luther King, the Kennedys, the 9/11 facts that struggle to correspond to
reality, Elvis – oh no, definitely not Elvis… will the same be true of the Diana inquest? Have we
put our money – in this instance £12m – where our collective mouths are? More
The Fly Boys - 25 April 2008
“Look at me! Look at me, Wendy! I can flyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Prince William has been given his wings and we are all so proud. He has taken to the skies like a
£5,000 an-hour-public-paying- albatross. He has made five free helicopter ‘joyrides’ in a mere
few weeks and counting. Glance up at the sound of a massive troupe-carrying Chinook and wave
to fly-boy Wills. More
“Look at me! Look at me, Wendy! I can flyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Prince William has been given his wings and we are all so proud. He has taken to the skies like a
£5,000 an-hour-public-paying- albatross. He has made five free helicopter ‘joyrides’ in a mere
few weeks and counting. Glance up at the sound of a massive troupe-carrying Chinook and wave
to fly-boy Wills. More
You Say "Goodbye" and I Say "Hello, Hello, Hello" - 22 May 2008
“100 pages of unrivalled coverage detailing the first royal wedding of the new generation. It
includes stunning photos of the fairytale ceremony at St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle and
the evening celebrations at stately mansion Frogmore House, as well as an intimate, step-by-
step account of the proceedings,” according to celebrity suck-up magazine, Hello! They had front
row seats at the royal wedding of the Queen’s first grandchild. Dear me. More
“100 pages of unrivalled coverage detailing the first royal wedding of the new generation. It
includes stunning photos of the fairytale ceremony at St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle and
the evening celebrations at stately mansion Frogmore House, as well as an intimate, step-by-
step account of the proceedings,” according to celebrity suck-up magazine, Hello! They had front
row seats at the royal wedding of the Queen’s first grandchild. Dear me. More
Dressed to Kill - 1 February 2009
Waity Katie, aka Kate “He’s lucky to have me” Middleton, has developed a taste for blood, blood
sports – animal blood. She has moved on from tiny vampire bats and clay pigeons to warm-
blooded heart-beating massive majestics; she’s become a deer-stalker. Charming. More
Waity Katie, aka Kate “He’s lucky to have me” Middleton, has developed a taste for blood, blood
sports – animal blood. She has moved on from tiny vampire bats and clay pigeons to warm-
blooded heart-beating massive majestics; she’s become a deer-stalker. Charming. More
Shameless - 21 August 2009
Sarah wants to help. Sarah understands your pain. Sarah has returned inspired by the
sycophantic American response to royalty. Sarah is one of us. Sarah is just like you… if you are
living on a council estate in Northern Moor, Wythenshawe, South Manchester that is. Sarah the
Duchess stayed at a guest house popular with the cast and crew of Shameless while filming her
documentary Duchess on the Estate. More
Sarah wants to help. Sarah understands your pain. Sarah has returned inspired by the
sycophantic American response to royalty. Sarah is one of us. Sarah is just like you… if you are
living on a council estate in Northern Moor, Wythenshawe, South Manchester that is. Sarah the
Duchess stayed at a guest house popular with the cast and crew of Shameless while filming her
documentary Duchess on the Estate. More
An Embarassment of Riches - 31 May 2010
“Hi ya Honey. Oprah! It’s me, Fergie! Me. Me the Duchess of York, the mother of the fifth and
sixth in line to the throne, the ex of Prince Andrew, the ex daughter-in-law of the Queeeeen for
god’s sake, ex royalty for god’s sake…still an aristocrat though. Good. Now down to business. I
need to do a mea culpa on your show immediately. What can you do for me? Wait a moment
here. You surely don’t want me to bring up that lesbian–run African school again do you? Good.
Tomorrow it is. I’ll need a team of expert make-up artists to be ready when I get there. Don’t let
them forget the hair extensions. Bye Hon.” More
“Hi ya Honey. Oprah! It’s me, Fergie! Me. Me the Duchess of York, the mother of the fifth and
sixth in line to the throne, the ex of Prince Andrew, the ex daughter-in-law of the Queeeeen for
god’s sake, ex royalty for god’s sake…still an aristocrat though. Good. Now down to business. I
need to do a mea culpa on your show immediately. What can you do for me? Wait a moment
here. You surely don’t want me to bring up that lesbian–run African school again do you? Good.
Tomorrow it is. I’ll need a team of expert make-up artists to be ready when I get there. Don’t let
them forget the hair extensions. Bye Hon.” More