Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
An Embarassment of Riches - 31 May 2010

“Hi ya Honey. Oprah! It’s me, Fergie! Me. Me the Duchess of York, the mother of the fifth and
sixth in line to the throne, the ex of Prince Andrew, the ex daughter-in-law of the Queeeeen for
god’s sake, ex royalty for god’s sake…still an aristocrat though. Good. Now down to business. I
need to do a mea culpa on your show immediately. What can you do for me? Wait a moment
‘It was the cider what done it.’ Excuses the Duchess might use.

1. I was off my head from drink.
2. I was delirious from starvation.
3. I fancied Mazher Mahmood.
4. My staff was going to be cut to 78.
5. My staff is rebelling and refuses to work for free now.
6. Andrew told me to do it.
7. Eugenie and Beatrice desperately need new frocks for their nightclubbing.
8. I needed new frocks to accompany them…and shoes.
9. Suitcases of money make me feel giddy.
10. I was in the gutter. What’s a gutter?
11. To prevent any future muggings of the precious princesses. Oh. Oops. The serfs pay for
their over the top round-the-clock-security.
12. How else can Andrew continue to be the royal lobbyist on the golf course, the ski slope,
Monaco, Dubai?
13. I need cash for surgery if I am to conquer the US.
14. I am always paid for my charity support and checks were late.
15. I need to secure my fabulously lucrative US publishing deals ASAP.
16. I needed petrol money for my tycoon friend Geir Frantzen’s £130,000 Bentley.
17. I want Prince Philip to like me.
18. I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree.

But, “I’m a complete aristocrat. Love that, don’t you? I love it. It’s tremendously fabulous.”

Isn’t it just….