Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
I Resolve... - 15 January 2010
Jade Jagger:
Resolution: “I resolve not to continue to sexualise my two tarty mini-me-girls, 13 and 16, as I
have done since they were 8 and 10 or were they 6 and 8? No more nose-bleeding-high high
heels, porn star make-up, diaphanous dresses slit up to the waist and down to the waist - like
me.  And no more posing provocatively as if we are about to have sex with a rugby team.”
Reality: “Are you mad? I am the centre of the whole universe and I do exactly what I want no
matter how untalented, solipsistic, supercilious, and simply stupid I am. Ask any of my servants!”

Silvio Berlusconi:
Resolution: “I resolve to be a total idiot and create legislation to hide all my double-dealing and
sex obsession.”
Reality: “I refuse to resolve to be a total idiot and create legislation to hide all my double-dealing
and sexual obsession…because I am the king of Italy.”

Elle Macpherson:
Resolution: “I will become a mother in 2010 and not follow the paparazzi all over the world.”
Reality: “Stop! Stop calling your nanny Mummy! She isn’t your real mummy! How many times do
I have to tell you?”

Madonna:
Resolution: “I resolve to become a true Madonna. Self-effacing, self-sacrificing and pure of
motivation. My exhibitionist image is in the past. Really.”
Reality: “Jesus Christ! Hey Jesus. Take a look outside. Where the hell are the rest of the
paparazzi? I think I can see only a dozen. Fuck me. So there’s a blizzard. What if we wanted to
go out? You know I don’t go out for less than three dozen!”

Dave (Cameron):
Resolution: “I resolve to control my ruthless ambitions. I’m willing to give up on spin and my new
personal favourite, air-brushing. I promise on the heads of my children. How did that sound?”
Reality: “ I am going to be the bloody Prime Minister if I have to bloody buy the bloody position!
Oh. I’ve already done that.”

Gordon (Brown):
Resolution: “Saaaahhhhraaahhh! Do I have to?”
Reality: “What’s a resolution exactly? Does Dave know?”

Kate-he’s-lucky-to-have-me-Middleton:
Resolution: “I, the future queen of England, resolve to not court publicity and to stop tossing my
gorgeous hair whenever I set up a photo opportunity and to practice my royal wave at least
three hours a day.”
Reality: “Publicity is my raison d’etre. It’s my job…my destiny…Diana has given me her blessing
from heaven and if anybody tries to stand in my way, I’ll get the Queen’s lawyers to take legal
action – again.”

George Clooney:
Resolution: “I will finally get married to one of those 20 year old insipid waitresses I drag to
every premier.”
Reality: “Wait a minute. I’m not giving up all those gorgeous young boys I hang out with at my
Italian villa! No way!”

Alan Yentob:
Resolution: “I to resolve say no to faking any more interviews and duplicitous dealings and to
actually earn my obscene BBC creative director’s salary and my equally obscene £6.3m pension
-  the biggest pension in the public sector - by becoming cultured.”
Reality: “Not if I have to look the part!"   

Gina Ford:
Resolution: “I resolve to become a mother so that I know what the hell I’m going on about and
can defend my dickensian childrearing methods.”
Reality: “NO! NO! NO! I will NOT sit on the naughty step! And you can’t make me!”