|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
3 January 2015
1. Detox. 'Experts' tell us to detox. 'Experts' tell us not to detox. Will you or won't
you. This is a dilemma in that it is all about guilt. You possibly have been saying
to yourself in front of a mirror: "I ate all those rubbish nibbles. I ate every item I
could find that contained waaay too much sugar. And oh god. Fructose! Cheap
sugar substitute that affects the liver causing Type 2 Diabetes. Help! And all that
alcohol. Perhaps I'm still drunk. Yes. That's it. I'll decide after my hangover."
2. 'On the Road' with the Tory toffs. The race is on. Tory billboards will cover the
country. The Tories have started spending all that unlimited cash to convince us
that their ideology is what's best for us: capitalism is king, privatisation is
perfection, the poor deserve poverty, the entitled are exceptionally superior....
Note to self: I promise to hit the mute button every time CallMeDave or
Georgie-Boy appear on TV. Every time. Now until the 5th of May election.
However, you seriously couldn't make this up. The on-the-road billboard scene
was taken by a German photographer and the scene is in Germany. Oh dear,
oh dear. Still worse is the very fact that their big billboards state an utter lie. 'The
Deficit Halved'. No, no, no. As the Tory supporting Spectator magazine reveals,
the deficit has been cut by a third. Not a half. A third. We know the toffs are a
bit thick, but they also assume we are. Liars can be so annoying. Be prepared
for a totally deceitful Tory campaign. CallMeDave and Georgie have denied all.
But they would wouldn't they.
CMD is presenting himself to the press as 'normal'...ha ha ha ha ha. Georgie is
presenting himself as a worker in British factories...ha ha ha ha ha. Wait. This is
scary. Their PR spin could get them elected. I'm losing the will to live here.
3. Shave. No more 'look at me. I'm so on trend. I'm so cool' please. Beards are
simply yuck. Especially the ones that mimic biblical films. Short hair, long
thick...way too long. You will not be spotted for the cover of GQ. So stop it. It is
simply not a good look.
4. Going anti-tech. Come on. You know you want to. You really want to hide
your phone from yourself, put your tablet outside, stop watching gadget shows,
queuing for days to be manipulated to buy a faulty product. And yes, there will
be severe withdrawal symptoms, but ultimately you will feel free. Free! If only for
a few hours before you give in.
5.Rubbish films. With cinema tickets pointlessly pricey for utter rubbish
Hollywood 'films' - be selective. Ignore the hype. You know all those films will
leave you feeling dissatisfied, promising to never eat popcorn again, used and
abused and out of pocket. So be selective. Say 'no' to creepy Arnie.
6. Daily: walk 30 minutes a day, eat the latest super foods, do the 2-5 diet, sleep
8 hours a night, less couch potato television, a drink every two days, read a
book a week, find a hobby, exercise, become an amateur pastry chef, do a
proper clear out, never say 'awesome' again or do a pathetic 'high-five', stop
dumbing down by following the zealous PR machines of the Hollywood KKs, Jen
Anniston, Gwynnie, etc, etc. Oh you just know you aren't going to do any of
these. Alright. Possibly two weeks...one week?...and it's back to your usual life.
See below for solution.
7. Here we are at the solution. Be happy. The world is a total scary mess and
there seems to be nothing we can do. We can become anarchists, but we'll be
put in jail without a trial. We can send endless letters and emails to our MPs.
And while they will respond, they will totally ignore us. Trust me on this. If they
want toxic fracking under your house, they will do it. So. Listen to the happy
song, Pharrell's Happy - but hopefully sans silly hat please.
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I'm happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I'm happy
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do
Scientists have discovered the secret to happiness. It's in the genes. There is a
latent genetic trigger for joy. It just needs to be switched on.
Now scientists have discovered how to activate the joyful gene in anyone by
subtle light pulses from LED lamps. No really. Anyone.
At a particular wavelength and frequency these pulses code your nervous
system to unleash happiness from your DNA. Feeling happier yet?
"Just install the latest happiness light-bulbs and dance the night away! (see first
suggestion) Because it works equally well through the skin, you can even get the
benefit of happy rays while you sleep. Happy light baths - like a tanning booth -
will give you a super pick-me-up if your genes are reticent."
Chinese lighting innovator Yeelight said their JoyLight bulbs, which connect to
your smartphone for happiness monitoring, will be available from Xiaomi next
month. Now we will all be deliriously happy... happy... happy. So it will be a
happy new year.