|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
13 July 2017
|The Real Me
“Am I looking teary yet? Is my face showing emotion – you know – such as
concern, empathy? No? Oh dear. Give me a minute. Philip! Quickly. Come here.
Show me how to look human. OK. Then show me pictures. Hurry. This interview
won’t last that long.”
Tarnished Theresa “shed a little tear”, as you do, after being prompted twice
when interviewed on Radio 5 Live. She was there to celebrate her disastrous
year as PM. A tear, one? when she learned the result of the election exit pole or
so she said. She managed to hold her face in an “Oh I do so care, stab me in
the back and I – um – react? Cry? Shriek? What is it? Bleed?”
The Tory excuse for her is that she appears robotic because she is “shy”.
Indeed. So that’s why people enter politics, because they are shy and hate
people – particularly being ‘up close and personal’ with those commoners; no
eye contact, no rallies, no public interaction. No matter how you twist the truth
about Theresa, “shy” isn’t the first thought that comes to mind is it? Controlling?
Thick? Masochist? Over to you.
All the Rage
Viscount offers cash to someone, anyone who would kill Brexit campaigner,
Gina Miller. Ah. The joys of entitlement.
Otherwise known as Rhodri Philipps, the 4th Viscount St Davids, for those not
within his aristocratic circle, sent vile messages to GM four days after the clever
woman won a High Court challenge against the Government: “5,000 for the first
person to ‘accidently’ run over the bloody troublesome first generation
The ‘first’ person. Does that mean if you are the second or third you can keep
driving over her body until she is totally flattened on the tarmac? Oh. And
naturally your payment would be incremental.
The vile viscount called her a “boat jumper”, a “f***ing jumper”. Couldn’t make up
his small mind? “If this is what we should expect from immigrants, send them
back to their stinking jungles.” Oh my god! In shock?
Aren’t you just holding your breath to see what happened next? The senior
district judge, Emma Arbuthnot, found his post “racially aggravated, his money
offer, a bounty menacing”, and the viscount? Well, he said his descriptions were
“statements of fact, not a racist comment at all.”
He said he wouldn’t kill her himself - he didn’t actually have the cash. He’s
bankrupt apparently. OK. He actually said his threats weren’t serious threats “on
an account where I could easily be identified.” As if we would recognise him on
the streets. Oh oops. He wouldn’t be on the streets would he? Not enough, he
went after immigrant Arnold Sube and his children. Master plan possibly?
Thursday the viscount was sentenced to 12 weeks in her majesty’s pleasure.
And more of his defences? As if he could ever have one other than “I have
multiple personalities and that nasty one showed up. He drinks a lot.” He tried
on his family motto: Love of Country. Oh please. The curiously smiling viscount
was given a five-year restraining order, must pay £500 compensation. The
viscount pleaded poverty so the judge gave him six months to pay up or the
bailiffs would be at his door. A £115 surcharge and £250 in costs. “Oh not my
Gina Miller has had to spend £60,000 on security. Oh those Brexiteers. Surely
that sum has increased – particularly when an ‘élite’ viscount has ordered your
Let’s be more enraged for fun. OK. Clearly not for fun. The DUP founder, the –
insert your own pejorative term here – late Ian Paisley thought that “Satanic
power” held the EU together. No, no. Really. No ‘huh’ here. Evidently he
famously pledged to “milk the EE cow dry before slitting its throat.” What?
What's not to love about this aggressive regressive party?
In his unlimited maturity and wisdom, the chancellor Philip Hammond has
revealed how he feels about women. Look away now if you don’t want to be
Phil was telling the Cabinet last week that the trade unions are still controlling
who gets trained as a train driver. He asked his colleagues if they had ever seen
a female train driver. The transport secretary for nearly 18 months at the start of
the coalition said that the job was so simple “even they could do it”.
Well, they do. Pauline Cawood told The Sun that she has been a train driver for
more than 20 years. About 5.5 per cent of the 19,000 train drivers in Britain are
women, up from 4.2 per cent in 2012.
Political editor of The Spectator, said that Justine Greening, the Education
Secretary and Equalities minister, was “horrified”. “I’ve never seen someone
redden so much. She was moments from explosion,” one person in the room
said. Phil could have called her “hysterical” as he did in February when he
called the Labour MP Mary Creagh “hysterical”. Is an actual woman actually
married to this contemptable man? Why?
Feeling hopeless yet? Google is here to cheer you up. Google’s scary Deep
Mind team has created a neural computer capable of reasoning. Yes, yes, it’s
just a matter of time before we’re all basically brain-dead via AI.
It can make a decision like a human. Indecisive? Problem solved. Thick crust or
thin crust? Neural networks learn and adapt from experience. Cheese-filled
crusts. Ew. The team taught the computers to identify objects and determine
their relationship between them. Oh it’s thin every time.
Evidently this is the ‘core aspect of human intelligence’. The team describes
their potential performance as “superhuman levels”. Remember this team
created AlphaGo AI which beat the best GO player only last month. So, be
afraid. Be very afraid.
A Raw Deal
Don’t stop being afraid. The Repeal deal, I mean bill is an unprecedented
constitutional power grab. Must we say it again? Brexiteers demanded
democracy, remember all that hysteria? Restoring parliamentary sovereignty?
Hmmm. Curiously this bill refers to the so-called Henry VIII powers. Now what
does that tell you? “This is as dangerous and far-reaching a piece of legislation
as we have seen in our lifetimes”, Ian Dunt the editor of Politics.co.uk. has
written. And he is not alone. “This basically allows ministers to do whatever they
like as long as they say it is necessary for Brexit. It is an astonishingly vast
power.” Gosh. Be afraid? Be panicked.
Wait. Scotland and Wales to the rescue. Their governments must approve the
Bill and they aren’t going to. Collective cheer here. Tories in a minority there
don't you know. The Lib Dems, Labour are in agreement. Oh look. It’s ‘working
together’ Theresa. Outgoing Lib Dem leader Tim Farron told Theresa that she
faced “hell” over the legislation and suggested we could all wave good-bye to
Theresa. Let’s practice in front of Number 10.
A Frog in One’s Throat
You actually know Steve Whitmire and you don’t know that you do, but not for
long. After 27 years as Kermit the Frog, he has been unceremoniously sacked
by Disney. Steve joined the Muppets in 1978.
Steve responded via a blog post: “For me the Muppets are not just a job, or a
career, or even a passion. They are a calling, an urgent, undeniable, impossible
to resist way of life…I would never consider abandoning Kermit or any of the
others…[forsaking] the assignment entrusted to me by Jim Henson…friend,
mentor…even more hero.” Disney gave two reasons – over the phone – lovely –
but Steve hasn’t revealed what they were.
He is “devastated” and feels he “failed in my duty” to Jim Henson, Muppets
creator. Now here is a proper reason to shed a tear. Steve took over the
puppeteering of Kermit after Henson died in 1990.
Philosopher Kermit has said: “…always be aware of advice from experts, pigs
and members of Parliament.” However, surely Miss Piggy should call for a
Disney boycott until Steve is reinstated.
Looking Out for Number One
Perhaps philanderer Jay-Z and Beyoncé could benefit from brain upgrades.
They have posted on Instagram another one of those staged photos they seem
to love, showing one month old twins, Rumi and Sir Carter. Is it Sir Carter or just
simply Sir then? Sir Carter Carter? Oh goodness me, I am confused.
Oh you know that within an hour it had at least 1.6 million likes, within four 4.1
million. This ‘broke the internet’. Her pregnant staged image had 11 million
‘likes’, the most liked in Instagram history. Looking lovingly at the babies? Oh
please. Of course not. Straight at the camera. And Sir, Sir? Really? Bestowing
an LA knighthood on him already? All those followers. All those idiots. ‘Get a life’
would be just too clichéd – nonetheless….