Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
I Really Want It - 30 May 2009

Another year, another talent…only clearly not to all. Lily Allen, daughter of actor Keith Allen, in
her wisdom felt it her duty to inform the public, including the massive millions of You Tube
viewers, that the-popular-with-all Susan Boyle hasn’t much talent. “I thought her timing was off on
Britain’s Got Talent on Sunday - no control, and I don’t think she has an amazing voice.” Lily
Twittered that 12 year old Shaheen had more…more than Lily certainly. Smile. Where oh where
would Lily be without nepotism? Unnecessarily cruel to someone who had been deprived of
oxygen at birth…Susan that is.

Strictly Come Dancing judge, Craig Revel Horwood evidently inspired by those dreadful dance
costumes worn by female contestants to assume he had the right to have a pop at a ”freak of
nature” Susan Boyle: "It was awful. It had major pitch problems throughout. I could go on and on.
And that panel of judges just sits there and says how wonderful she was. I was beside myself. I
was wanting to smash the TV. I'm hoping people with talent will win, not just the freaks of nature
who come out with a little bit of a warble and everyone goes, 'Wow!'" Wow?

In her defence. the object of Ms Boyle’s affections,
Britain’s Got Talent judge Piers Morgan
revealed that she was bullied at school for having ‘learning difficulties’ and was called ‘Simple
Susan’. This after he delivered the coup de grace: Shaheen's singing performance was "the best
in the semi-final so far". The world knows about Susan’s strop in response.

Not a cringe-making programme I normally watch, but like millions got sucked into the whirlpool
of eye-brow hype. Sexually writhing pole-dancing post-teen provocateurs in
bikinis/underwear…lovely and so family friendly, male dancers were truly creative and dressed…
no thongs for the lads, various acts of total idiocy reflecting suspected country inbreeding, chirpy,
cheery, totally annoying children whose raison d’etre is to be famous…refreshing parenting,
beautiful beyond fit belly dancer who had Piers and Simon drooling into their laps…”We’d stand
up to applaud, but we can’t.” Guys who never saw a set of breasts that didn’t reduce them to
teenage school boys. Is this show solely geared to ‘just a bit of fun’ men in raincoats?

“How was it for you?”

“It was amaaaaaazing.” “It was completely amaaaaaaaazing.” “It was so amaaaaaaazing.”  How
amazing. “I worked hard all week.” “I worked so hard all week.” “I worked really hard all week.”
“I reeeeallllly want it!” “It’s all I reeeeeallllly want.”

The reason Susan lost to Diversity’s brilliant choreography will be dissected until the public
collectively beg for mercy. “Stop. Stop. She isn’t one of us any more.” The power and rebellious
nature of the audience, the influential comments by the judges, Susan’s personality
imperfections, her repeat performance, the taming of her eye bows, Demi and Ashton’s no-
show, ad inf.

Stage show performances, pointless show tunes, enough confidence to fuel a rocket into space,
enough false modesty to return it to earth, producer manipulation. The good, the bad, the ugly –
and the deluded: seemingly yet another year of BGT. If I had voted, it would have been for Tippy
Toes, the dancing dog without an agenda… unless doggie treats were the main objective. Oh
dear. I hope not.