10 November 2013
I'd Rather Eat My Own Hair

The Telegraph announced: Duchess of Cambridge stops traffic with new
hairstyle. Duchess sports 70s-style wave - and grey roots (the very same grey
roots we’ve been previously informed of) on Poppy Day. What could be more
important? “Psychologists say women often feel the urge for a change of look
because they feel the need to take back control over their bodies after having a

Parting her hair in the middle, a mere 2cm over is a radical change then?
Really? Why I’m surprised the photographers even recognised her. Surely it
must have been her usual modus operandi: ‘Look at me! I’m over here! Don’t
you see me doing the royal wave?’ Shouldn’t someone remind her of the
decade the rest of us live in?

William and Ex-Waity actually got on a – wait – a bus. No really. They actually
stepped up and on to a literal London bus with other celebs. Wills, who doesn’t
do public transport, reported: "It's very sociable, although I suppose everyone's
got their earphones in." Insightful.

A bus, the tube, blimey, what next? A taxi? While Wills is unfamiliar with how
everybody else lives, Ex-Waity has possibly blocked it out. “Me? Travel on
what? No sedan chair?”

On yet another hallowed hair-day, adding insult to injury perhaps, Ex-W
repeatedly twirled her new curls at the Remembrance Day parade, the silent
tribute to those who gave their lives. Sensitive. The papers decided to put her
on their front pages in her best practiced serious, solemn, chin-up pose...her
hair perfect. Clearly she was told to stop smiling and twirling.

I’d rather eat my own hair than see another bloody photo of Ex-W’s Farrah
Fawcett inspired tresses.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

While Ex-W’s £350 balayage hair dying effect was not terribly successful and
she had to call for an emergency hair dresser visit, Jen went for the most
attention-getting effect: scissors. Oh dear. How brave. How radical. How

Jennifer Aniston, remember her and her hair from a TV show 20 years ago?
said she had her (precious only-claim-to-fame) hair cut because she was
‘bored’. Well. Perhaps having your agent distracting you from yourself after
spending all hours of the day and night getting you into the papers, interviewed,
on the red carpet, in every rubbish film could be tiresome.

Jen told
Elle UK her famous hair was damaged by a Brazilian blow dry method
using formaldehyde and keratin to keep curls and waves straight for up to three
months. Does that mean Jen has – blimey – naturally wavy hair? Goodness
gracious me. And she didn’t even tell us.

Jen wanted us to know: “It wasn’t for a role. My hair went through a phase. I
did this thing called a Brazilian and my hair did not react really well to it.”

Or: days earlier she told Vogue.com: “It was kind of spur-of-the-moment. I was
flipping through the television channels and I paused it to take a picture and I
sent it to Chris (McMillan - her hair stylist), and he said, ‘That’s Lawren Howell
from Vogue! I just cut that!’ (OMG!) So that’s it.”

Plus: “I did it! I feel great. I feel lighter (hair can be so heavy). It’s simple, it’s
really simple, that’s for sure (fershuuuurrrr) but I’m always one of those girls
(girls? one of those?) who does a big old chop (big old chop? aughhhh) - just to
get it really healthy, to repair all the [damage from] hair coloring and stuff like
that. And I just got bored, honestly. It’s fun to change it up once in awhile.
[Chris] literally cut it Thursday night!” (Thursday, then? Really?) She’s clearly
not the sharpest scissors in the set.

There’s more: “It kind of dried on its own, we just shook it out. There’s a little
round brush we used to get at the root, and then I took the Amp, and I put it all
through the root so that it had a little bit of grit to it. This is truly just for me!”
With all that vital information, who would have guess it was ‘just for me!’ Cue:

Not quite: Jen is spokesperson for and part-owner of Living Proof hair care
products. Hmmm.

Thus: Jen told
Vogue. “The best thing about Living Proof is that you don’t have
to wash your hair. It makes your beauty routine easy during the week. I have a
round brush that kind of gets [my hair] into position, and then I’ll put Living
Proof Amp 2 Instant Texture Volumizer through the hair afterward to shape it. I
try to do that as much as possible just because it’s less wear on my hair. If I
know I’m going to blow dry it, I put in a leave-in conditioner or the Living Proof
Perfect Hair Day 5-in-1 Styling Treatment that just came out. It’s kind of
awesome.” Right. Awesome surely. And Jen does this all by herself every day.

Even more: To accompany her new earth-shattering, mind-blowing, radical
look, Jen had a matching cartilage piercing with ‘gal pal’ Gucci Westman. A
middle-aged crisis possibly? Or simply another solipsistic celebrity. Your call.
Oh Chrissssssssssss....

Epilogue: American news called it ‘The haircut heard round the world’. I didn’t
know you could hear hair. Silly me. They are reporting that Jen ‘hates her new
do’ and that it makes her look like a ‘dowdy-looking soccer mom’. It was ‘a
mistake’ because Chris promised it would make her look younger. Jen thinks
her noticeable nose looks too big, her face too round. I know. Wear a hat.

Lock-Less Lady

Even with Lady Gaga spending the entire time on Graham-sycophant-Norton’s
red sofa Friday night monitoring her image on the monitor sans hair – she wore
an enormous pointy eye-threatening black headdress, she was quite sweet with
the lovely, entertaining 87 year old June Brown (Dot on
EastEnders) and
wanted to take her home. Mutual admiration at first sight. Very sweet really.

After her second song, L Gaga had the scary Halloween headdress removed
and a massive non-hair yellow wig was set on her head. She still couldn’t take
her eyes off herself. June went for cool and chic with a white fringe. We all
want June to come home with us. I don’t think L Gaga would notice.
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