LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
11 November 2011
KEEPING A LOW PROFILE

1. FANCY DRESS

Perfect plastic-face, attention-craving, opinionated, solipsistic, tiresomely self-
assured. Not one of her ‘chick-lit’ characters, but conservative MP Louise
Mensch’s latest confessions revolve around her youthful Class A drug-taking,
her new face and her love life with her new rock band manager husband, Peter
Mensch [the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica].

In 2011, in ‘real life’ LM is willingly giving us all more information than we would
have ever wanted. Perhaps her books offer the same. I for one have no
intention of discovering the joys of acquiescence and potentially irrational
desire.

LM questioned Rupert Murdoch on the phone-hacking scandal as a member of
the culture, media and sport select committee. Taking advantage of her
appearance (as it were), she has popped up on every programme from
Have I
Got News for You
to Question Time.

In a
Sunday Times interview she doubtless became one of her characters: “I
love him and I dress up for him. Not in a Barbie doll way. My palms still sweat
with adrenalin whenever he walks into a room.” Chapter two?

Her husband of 5 months lives in New York. LM has ‘rediscovered exercise and
running’ to be assured she looks good for him. Excuse me while I suppress my
gag reflex. "I think it's an act of love for a husband and wife who have
committed to each other to keep themselves looking as good as they can”. Yes.
But I don’t think she meant regular dental visits and haircuts.

LM didn’t go into detail thankfully; she left that to her chick-lit reader’s
imagination. She also spared us from what her new husband may surprise her
with when they do meet up for their dress up moments. Perhaps an ‘I Love
Metallica’ - or ‘Lou Reed’- tattoo across his back? Or he may simply strip to the
waist and don a black long-haired wig. 58 year old Mensch has a shaved (or
bald) head. “I want to wear the bunny costume this time.” “You wore it last
time.” “And when was that?” “I’ll have to look in my diary.” Sadly she most
probably she does all the dressing up.

LM didn’t reveal the marriage to her 3 children. Her Goth, stockings and
suspenders, nurse costumes for the afternoon might frighten them?


2. SCRAP IT

“Tiiiimmmmberrrrrr! I mean iiiiconnnnn!” Scrap metal is the new criminal
activity. Place your flowers at the foot of your favourite statue because it in all
probability it will be stolen tomorrow. Polish saints, political notables, war
memorials, any and all who changed the course of history.

But it’s not simply 2 or 3 disappearing statues a week. Pylons, power lines, gas
pipes, phone networks, manhole covers all removed and sold on to shady scrap
metal dealers. These thefts are “a significant threat to national infrastructure,”
says a senior police officer. 50% of which are now missing metal.

If pushed for time - take a taxi.  Cable stealing could cause chaos and delays
of 7,000 hours this year. Tens of thousands of frustrated, infuriated rail
commuters will be left crushed and panting on the platform - a 47% increase
from 2 years ago. There are 6-8 cable thefts on railways every day. The
soaring price of copper has cost the rail industry £770m and the economy
£20m a year.

Watching
Strictly Come Dancing one minute, blown up the next – you and your
telly. Last summer in West Yorkshire two homes were demolished, four set on
fire because thieves cut a piece of cable from an overhead line and gas pipes
ignited. Oh dear oh dear. Last week TVs exploded, microwaves caught fire, a
village was without power for 12 hours when more cable was cut from an
electricity sub-station. Could sign posts be next? Nelson’s Column? The London
Eye would make quite the splash.

But lest we forget, ‘we’re all in this together’ aren’t we CallMeDave? Or as
economists are saying “a relentless descent into chaos.”


3. DON’T STOP ‘TIL YOU GET ENOUGH

Shrieking, crying, thanking Jesus, blowing horns, waving banners, rolling on
the pavement, professing undying love, ‘Burn in Hell’ placards. I wanted to kill
myself. Instead, I changed news channels. In a moment of irrationality I wanted
that giant asteroid to crash into the earth at the exact spot where every Jackson
family member stood pontificating on justice having been done. Job done.

Hollywood doctor supplies drug of choice to drug and plastic surgery addicted
deluded famous celebrity with an unnatural interest in young boys. So
Hollywood.
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