Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
All the News Not Fit to Print - 6 February 2010

It is all so mind numbing – yet so much news, so little time. Avarice, arrogance, duplicity,
exhibitionism, sex, slovenliness – all in one week.

2009 Dad of the Year, now ex-captain of the England team, John Terry ‘having problems in his
marriage’ as one plastic-cheek-boned-hair-extentions-flung-over the-shoulder Wag repeated over-
and-over-and-over again in an interview. Thus clearly explaining why JT had sex with anybody
breathing and available including a 17 year old fan, another one on crutches in a loo for the
disabled, and paid £750,000 for French underwear model and serial football shagger, Vanessa  
Perroncel’s silence regarding their affair and her abortion. Private tours of the Chelsea training
ground at £10,000 a pop, his Wembley box was on offer for £4,000. Surely JT can splash a bit
of cash from his £170,000 a week salary for his ‘troubled parents’: his mother was caught shop
lifting and his father dealing coke - who have clearly taught him morals as well as how to pee in a
beer glass. Mature at every turn.

Fraud charges and possible prison involving MPs and peers who have been living in disdainful,
disgraceful denial are set to benefit from ’golden goodbyes’ and parliamentary privilege. Not only
won’t they have to repay that £189,000 bogus second mortgage, was it £220 (surely cheap at
half the price) twin grapefruit bowls, but they will be paid not to with their “goodbye and don’t
come back” £150,000 pay offs and their freedom from prosecution by employing the 1689 Theft
Act. If only they had been so assiduously attentive as representatives of the people.

Or the ever exciting Alex & Jordan. Two brides in Vegas with TV crews as witnesses,
celebrating with prostitutes/lap dancers in a strip club…seeking inspiration perhaps? No publicity
seeking there then. The two I’m a Celebrity – Get Me in There! were on and off and on and off –
until everyone was sufficient paying attention, and now that we aren’t, divorce must be the next
tabloid headline…or better than that…the two cage fighting in drag. I’m not a celebrity – get
them out of here – permanently – please!

Or what really is news worthy. No more jim jams in Tescos. Oh no! No more in bilious pink
flowered-printed pyjama bottoms and furry bunny slippers, no more bare feet, no more plaid
flannel nighties, no more mismatched tatty nightwear, no more ex-Big Brother racist glamour
model Danielle Lloyd. “Oi! Get your hands off me and my £120 Juicy Couture tracksuit Now! I
ain't got pyjamas on! (sic)” The Tesco fashion police queried: “You sure?”  She naturally wasn’t.