Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics

“Oh look, Mummy. Look at that funny car.”

“That’s the Popemobile, Darling.”

“Look at that funny man waving, Mummy. Is that Yoda in there?”

“No Darling.”

“Is it Uncle Fester from the Adams Family then?”

"No Darling. It’s the Pope.”

“Oh. So who is the Pope?”

“He’s a very bad man.”

“What did he do?”

“He hurt thousands and thousands of little innocent children.”

“How Mummy?”

“He allowed his friends to do horrible things to them for a very long time.”

“But Mummy. Shouldn’t that bad man be in gaol?”

“Well, perhaps a miracle will occur and he will be trapped in his Popemobile and he’ll suffocate –
if there is a god.”

“Mummy. Is there a god then?”

As head of state, head of the Catholic Church and head of a massive paedophile ring that went
on for decades – why isn’t he in jail? As the liaison between the great god in the sky and the
millions of the faithful on earth without doubt Ratzinger had direct contact with the almighty. Daily
conversations, daily confessions surely.

“Oh Dear God. It’s me your humble servant, your link to the devoted, your former Nazi Youth
member here. I wish to confess my sins today.

Please forgive me for indulging in yet another pair of Gucci slippers. I know, I know. I have at
least twelve dozen at last count, but I do so love those purple velvet ones with the tiny 14k gold
tassels designed especially for me. I appreciate that I promised to curtail my Italian designer
demands, but inevitably you must pardon my momentary lapse due to my unwavering passion for
excellence and quality. And after all, I am supporting your favoured country.

I will try to put on my reserved demeanour when I am resplendent in my elaborate, elegant,
papal robes. I find the feeling of fur against my skin so pleasurable. Why am I going to Britain
exactly? I have forgotten. Something about healing old wounds. Those from 1534? The Queen
never mentioned.

I hear I’m going to some place called Twickenham where I will address 4,000 schoolchildren.
Dear God, you have been listening. I am beginning to salivate.

But, please don’t let it rain. I will be driven around London in my Popemobile and we wouldn’t
want my magnificent face and beatific smile to be obscured in any way. All power to the Pope!
Until tomorrow....”

Isn’t it obvious that Catholics should now collectively show their support for the truly, deeply
damaged rather than for an ideologically archaic, duplicitous, directly complicit criminal head of
state? Boycott, carry placards, turn your back on him, but do something.