LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
10 January 2015
Poor and Pathetic

Oh no. Poor King-George V-impersonator James, Ex-Waity's brother. If you
have forgotten, he lives in false-hope sporting that perfectly-clipped-homage-
to-royals-beard. Really. "Open the gates. Let me in!" But back to why he's 'poor'
and not simply sad. Although he is both.

Where to begin.... Starting with the obvious, his 'erotic' (ahem) cake company
has suffered losses of £23,353. This is the third consecutive year of loss.  Oh
really, who wouldn't want 'body bits' to celebrate an event? Your graduation,
gran's birthday, moving house, wedding, divorce, getting a dog, a scratch card
win? Clearly only James. But then he would, wouldn't he.

Shouldn't his mum step in? Surely she could suggest he incorporate the Royals
as she has tried desperately with her business of bits. OK. Party bits...party tat.
Whatever. I'm thinking perhaps Prince Albert might want to order a few soft-porn
cakes.

Poor James. Ex-Waity has probably crossed him off her Christmas list because
he's poor...or had one of her assistants do it.

Ex-Waity has been busy not being busy. Quelle surprise. We know her time is
spent having her hair coiffed daily and satisfying her other obsession, shopping.
Oh tell me 'vacuous' or 'lazy' or 'indulgent' or 'entitled' or 'dim' didn't come to mind.

In 2014, Ex-W has carried out only about a third as many engagements as
Prince Philip who managed 200 at 93 and often suffering from ill health. She fit
76 into her busy schedule. And now for the 88 year old Queen. 375. Yes.
Sometimes she manages more than six a day. Be impressed. Very impressed.
Ex-W's 76 is not even a fifth the number the Queen attended and obviously the
fewest public duties of all the fifteen royals. Goodness gracious me.

If you're curious, William's count was 111 in addition to his full-time military role.
Could he be increasing his time away having complained about her hair fixation
and the time it takes? Just asking. Charles with 450 (also having taken on more
of the Queen's responsibilities), Anne with 419, Andrew with 297, Edward with
348.


Yo Bro

And then there is poor PM CallMeDave. Not in terms of cash of course. But
CMD is running scared and it's not a good look. Although he does look silly
when he attempts his obligatory run in the park.

Poor anxious Dave is afraid of Ukip's Nigel. Not that he's said as such. But Dave
is adamant. He has stomped his foot on the floor and has refused to debate the
other election candidates. Yes, he did give the debates high praise last time
round. Lest we forget, the triumphant Tories got two-thirds of the votes. This year
they are all convinced they will win flat out. Optimistically deluded...hopefully.
CMD's excuse is that he won't debate without the Green Party being included.
Could Dave possibly feel threatened after having promised his party would be
the greenest party ever (you may laugh here). And we all know what happened
with that (you don't have to laugh here - obviously).

But poor Dave is desperate to save his image. Recently he flaunted his new
status to the
Mail on Sunday. After blanking the UK and the PM, Obama has
since, finally included him in the American lexicon: he called Dave 'bro'.

The question is: was Obama taking the mick? No matter how hard CMD
struggles to be 'the special one', the new poodle, Obama ignores him. "Dave
who? Should I know him? OK. England's president. So. Does he play golf at
least?"  

Actually, the arrogant beyond annoying to many, Bonnie Greer revealed that
Obama "can never remember the PM's name". Dave? D-a-v-e? BG revealed the
term is a casual 'hi' not a mark of respect. She suggested "If the president had
addressed the PM as 'dude'. THAT would have meant something."

The swaggering, boastful 'bro' can only hope.
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