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In the Thick of It - 29 January 2010
45 minutes to total annihilation: “ We had only 45 minutes to get to the WWII bunkers before
Saddam was going to nuke us. Have you noticed my new American expression? GB taught it to
me at the ranch. Nuke. I’m lovin’ it.”
Everybody Hurts - 15 February 2010
“I won!”
I won!”
The public seems to have decided that grief-stricken-Gordie has beat devastated-Dave in the
crying game/competition that will decide who takes office at the General Election.
Wife Swap - 15 March 2010
“Mine’s messier than yourrrrrrrs.”
“Mine’s learning how to do the Sunday roast.”
“Mine just discovered curry.”
“Mine wears a suit on the beach.”
Does My Ego Look Big in This? - 6 April 2010
Alert the fashion police. Don riot gear. Dave and Gordie are battling it out in the parks, in the
community centres, on the council estates, in hospitals. It’s the American-style election: it’s who’s
down wit da youts.
“Yo man. I’m way cooler than you.”
Dear Diary - 1 May 2010
Dear Diary,
Success!!! I am certain I will be crowned king 6th of May!!! This last debate decided my fate –
my divine right to rule. What are we aristocrats for – other than fox hunting. BBC blanked Nick,
like the anti-Clegg-media has all along. Good thing as he is the only one with ideas and did win all
3 debates. But it was all me, the deserving one dismissing Gordon, the useless loser. Nick may
be posh, but he’s no toff so he’s not one of us. I’m delightfully smoooooooth – terribly slick.
Dear Dear Diary,
This may be my last entry. I am going to be ever so busy, busy, busy creating history.
I have done a masterful stitch up of Clegg…aka the new ‘poodle’. As you know Dear Diary, this
was my magnificent Machiavellian master plan all along. It will perpetuate the ‘blame Nick Clegg’
spin we started. The economy will be in taters…he’ll never get his party’s election reform
through. I’m thinking of putting him in an office next to the toilets. When he does any of his
positive referencing regarding Europe, I’ll have Theresa May headlock him and imprison him in a
cabinet. We’ll have to watch him; he does speak five languages and he might be able to do
deals. But I do believe life at number ten will be fun.
Alien Concepts - 21 May 2010
“Mandeville or Wenlock? Which one do you want to be today, Nick?”
“Oh PM, you choose. Aren’t you worried the Miliband brothers will be out and about before us?”

The Empty (Pressed) Suit - 12 June 2010
“Did ya get the order in yet?”
“No, Mr President. We discovered it would be much cheaper if we had them manufactured in
Lords A'Leapin' - 13 July 2010

The lords are jumping ship. “Lord Laidlaw! What are you doing? You’ll ruin your £10,000 suit for
god’s sake!”
“I’m swimming to Monte Carlo before I am forced to pay UK taxes.”
The Empty (Pressed) Suit - 12 June 2010
“Did ya get the order in yet?”
“No, Mr President. We discovered it would be much cheaper if we had them manufactured in
Why I spent the night with my 25 year old assistant, Christ Myers, in a hotel room on several
I needed him to check under the bed for monsters.
I adhere to those ecological requests to save on extra linen and towels.
Because I'm Worth It - 30th September 2010
There were the Inside Soap Awards this week and then there were the Labour Conference Soap
Awards featuring the usual soap artifice:  manipulation, ruthlessness, lies, betrayal, cunning,
deceit, drama.
We're All In This Together, Again - 22 October 2010
When Dave and George did their “we’re all in this together” act on Wednesday, they didn’t mean
the masses of potentially homeless middle class families living under foliage in St James Park.
The ‘we’ they are referring to is the royal ‘we’. We’re all in this together -and you’re not.
'All is Vanity'... - 10 November 2010
“Does my bum look big in this?”
“Sam Cam. You don’t have a bum.”
“I know. But isn’t that what I am suppose to ask?”
“Call-me-Dave. Your image is not as shiny as it should be considering the season.”
“What? What do mean exactly, Anna-Maren? I have the taxpayers picking up your substantial
salary to keep it all shiny and deflective.”