| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Politics |
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What? Me Worry? 19 September 2006
How could I have failed to notice this? Big ears, Cheshire-cat grin, tousled hair. Tony Blair and
Alfred E Newman, humour magazine MAD’s official mascot - separated at birth - until now. Tony
has developed a distinctive, unmistakable ‘W’ right in the middle of his forehead. This mark of
zorro extends from his eyebrows to his hairline. What? Me worry? Well. Yes.
How could I have failed to notice this? Big ears, Cheshire-cat grin, tousled hair. Tony Blair and
Alfred E Newman, humour magazine MAD’s official mascot - separated at birth - until now. Tony
has developed a distinctive, unmistakable ‘W’ right in the middle of his forehead. This mark of
zorro extends from his eyebrows to his hairline. What? Me worry? Well. Yes.
YO! - 23 July 2006
There I was, sauntering in sweltering sun on a Vienna street having boycotted Portugal and Italy
for my holiday…World Cup duplicity et al…when the headline of The Independent newspaper
shouted out from a news stand: “YO, BLAIR!” For a moment I was thrown with the use of the
8cm exclamation mark…an expression of emotion in Vienna, or the whole of Austria for all I
know…but then things began to get clearer.
There I was, sauntering in sweltering sun on a Vienna street having boycotted Portugal and Italy
for my holiday…World Cup duplicity et al…when the headline of The Independent newspaper
shouted out from a news stand: “YO, BLAIR!” For a moment I was thrown with the use of the
8cm exclamation mark…an expression of emotion in Vienna, or the whole of Austria for all I
know…but then things began to get clearer.
My Hair Made Me Do It - 10 May 2006
Take Mark Oaten, the former Liberal Democrat leadership contender and home affairs
spokesman: bald. His loss of hair in his late thirties precipitated his fall from grace. “…a mid-life
crisis…prompted me to act as I did…I was turning 40 and I really felt that I was losing my youth.
The problem was undoubtedly compounded by my dramatic loss of hair. This really knocked me
for six. I started to look noticeably older.”
Take Mark Oaten, the former Liberal Democrat leadership contender and home affairs
spokesman: bald. His loss of hair in his late thirties precipitated his fall from grace. “…a mid-life
crisis…prompted me to act as I did…I was turning 40 and I really felt that I was losing my youth.
The problem was undoubtedly compounded by my dramatic loss of hair. This really knocked me
for six. I started to look noticeably older.”
It's a Bird, it’s a Plane…it's a Controlled Demolition - 11 September 2006
On the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the end of the world, the easiest way to deal with the
issue of duplicity and complicity regarding 9/11 is to simply read the facts for yourself rather than
me reiterating, raving, ranting. Meticulous research has been done based on physics, not
fundamentalism – Christian in this case.
On the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the end of the world, the easiest way to deal with the
issue of duplicity and complicity regarding 9/11 is to simply read the facts for yourself rather than
me reiterating, raving, ranting. Meticulous research has been done based on physics, not
fundamentalism – Christian in this case.
A Man of (No) Substance - 15 February 2007
Prime Minister aspirant Tory toff and leader, David Cameron, won’t disclose his ‘youthful
indiscretions’ when pressed by the press after his pot smoking was revealed. Did he? Didn’t he?
He did. More
Prime Minister aspirant Tory toff and leader, David Cameron, won’t disclose his ‘youthful
indiscretions’ when pressed by the press after his pot smoking was revealed. Did he? Didn’t he?
He did. More
What? Me Worry? 19 September 2006
How could I have failed to notice this? Big ears, Cheshire-cat grin, tousled hair. Tony Blair and
Alfred E Newman, humour magazine MAD’s official mascot - separated at birth - until now. Tony
has developed a distinctive, unmistakable ‘W’ right in the middle of his forehead. This mark of
zorro extends from his eyebrows to his hairline. What? Me worry? Well. Yes.
How could I have failed to notice this? Big ears, Cheshire-cat grin, tousled hair. Tony Blair and
Alfred E Newman, humour magazine MAD’s official mascot - separated at birth - until now. Tony
has developed a distinctive, unmistakable ‘W’ right in the middle of his forehead. This mark of
zorro extends from his eyebrows to his hairline. What? Me worry? Well. Yes.
YO! - 23 July 2006
There I was, sauntering in sweltering sun on a Vienna street having boycotted Portugal and Italy
for my holiday…World Cup duplicity et al…when the headline of The Independent newspaper
shouted out from a news stand: “YO, BLAIR!” For a moment I was thrown with the use of the
8cm exclamation mark…an expression of emotion in Vienna, or the whole of Austria for all I
know…but then things began to get clearer.
There I was, sauntering in sweltering sun on a Vienna street having boycotted Portugal and Italy
for my holiday…World Cup duplicity et al…when the headline of The Independent newspaper
shouted out from a news stand: “YO, BLAIR!” For a moment I was thrown with the use of the
8cm exclamation mark…an expression of emotion in Vienna, or the whole of Austria for all I
know…but then things began to get clearer.
My Hair Made Me Do It - 10 May 2006
Take Mark Oaten, the former Liberal Democrat leadership contender and home affairs
spokesman: bald. His loss of hair in his late thirties precipitated his fall from grace. “…a mid-life
crisis…prompted me to act as I did…I was turning 40 and I really felt that I was losing my youth.
The problem was undoubtedly compounded by my dramatic loss of hair. This really knocked me
for six. I started to look noticeably older.”
Take Mark Oaten, the former Liberal Democrat leadership contender and home affairs
spokesman: bald. His loss of hair in his late thirties precipitated his fall from grace. “…a mid-life
crisis…prompted me to act as I did…I was turning 40 and I really felt that I was losing my youth.
The problem was undoubtedly compounded by my dramatic loss of hair. This really knocked me
for six. I started to look noticeably older.”
It's a Bird, it’s a Plane…it's a Controlled Demolition - 11 September 2006
On the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the end of the world, the easiest way to deal with the
issue of duplicity and complicity regarding 9/11 is to simply read the facts for yourself rather than
me reiterating, raving, ranting. Meticulous research has been done based on physics, not
fundamentalism – Christian in this case.
On the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the end of the world, the easiest way to deal with the
issue of duplicity and complicity regarding 9/11 is to simply read the facts for yourself rather than
me reiterating, raving, ranting. Meticulous research has been done based on physics, not
fundamentalism – Christian in this case.
Going, Going, Going, Not Gone - 12 May 2007
TTFN Tony. Tony Blair promises to leave office after 10 years of glam-rock-government June
27…this year. He will most likely be off amassing his first £10 million June 28…this year. For
those who are experiencing panic attacks at the very thought, let alone image, of the Prime
Minister in-waiting, Gordon Brown, fear not…hope is at hand. Hope in the form of Tony-in-Tory
clothing, Conservative leader, toff David Cameron. More
TTFN Tony. Tony Blair promises to leave office after 10 years of glam-rock-government June
27…this year. He will most likely be off amassing his first £10 million June 28…this year. For
those who are experiencing panic attacks at the very thought, let alone image, of the Prime
Minister in-waiting, Gordon Brown, fear not…hope is at hand. Hope in the form of Tony-in-Tory
clothing, Conservative leader, toff David Cameron. More
It's War and That Will Be - 1 June 2007
Tony gives ‘wartime’ powers to the police.
Failing to stop, refusing to answer questions will be a criminal offence with fines up to £5000.
Police have the power to stop and search now, but must not ask intrusive questions such as:
“Who are you and where are you going?” “Who do you think you are and is that a knife, pistol,
Uzi in your pocket?” More
Tony gives ‘wartime’ powers to the police.
Failing to stop, refusing to answer questions will be a criminal offence with fines up to £5000.
Police have the power to stop and search now, but must not ask intrusive questions such as:
“Who are you and where are you going?” “Who do you think you are and is that a knife, pistol,
Uzi in your pocket?” More
I'm Hooommmmme - 3 July 2007
“While I’ve been on holiday in Seville, searching for fresh fruit and veg in 35 degree heat, in vain I
might add, you’ve had Gordon jamming his foot in the door of Number 10 giving the royal wave –
“I’m in, I’m finally in!”, the Princes’ joining in the commoners’ wave during their ten hour concert, a
potential wave of bombings by those who have taken the Hippocratic Oath...my goodness.” More
“While I’ve been on holiday in Seville, searching for fresh fruit and veg in 35 degree heat, in vain I
might add, you’ve had Gordon jamming his foot in the door of Number 10 giving the royal wave –
“I’m in, I’m finally in!”, the Princes’ joining in the commoners’ wave during their ten hour concert, a
potential wave of bombings by those who have taken the Hippocratic Oath...my goodness.” More
Not the 'C' Word... 15 October 2007
No longer a thrown down gauntlet, a duel at dawn - it’s a playground punch up.
Conservative leader chameleon Cameron and coward PM Gordon Brown have been mixing and
matching policies and spinning faster than a circus performer grasping a strap between his teeth.
Before we have time to climb out of our seats, their popularity will be based solely on their hair.
Helmet vs quiff. More
No longer a thrown down gauntlet, a duel at dawn - it’s a playground punch up.
Conservative leader chameleon Cameron and coward PM Gordon Brown have been mixing and
matching policies and spinning faster than a circus performer grasping a strap between his teeth.
Before we have time to climb out of our seats, their popularity will be based solely on their hair.
Helmet vs quiff. More
Rule Britannia, Britannia Rules the Waves - 3 February 2008
It was a nails-bitten-to-the-quick thumbs up signal…twice…during PM Gordon Brown’s rousing
pro-Britain speech. Everyone in Britain needs to express their pride in being British. Let
patriotism prevail… except on the lovely 50 pence coin. This is where Gordon draws the line.
Gordon wants the image of Britannia on the flip side removed. He has the Queen’s blessing. He
thinks Britain wants modernising beginning with numismatic attention to detail through the medium
of currency. Gordon wants the historic figure replaced by artists’ creative efforts. More
It was a nails-bitten-to-the-quick thumbs up signal…twice…during PM Gordon Brown’s rousing
pro-Britain speech. Everyone in Britain needs to express their pride in being British. Let
patriotism prevail… except on the lovely 50 pence coin. This is where Gordon draws the line.
Gordon wants the image of Britannia on the flip side removed. He has the Queen’s blessing. He
thinks Britain wants modernising beginning with numismatic attention to detail through the medium
of currency. Gordon wants the historic figure replaced by artists’ creative efforts. More
Hello, is that a Halo? - 26 February 2008
In Little America, sorry, Little Britain, it’s all Obama, Obama, Obama. The American election is
the news; the news is the American election. BBC has created a new news programme reporting
exclusively from the US. Now there’s an innovative idea. We may have missed Britney changing
her purse while we slept. More
In Little America, sorry, Little Britain, it’s all Obama, Obama, Obama. The American election is
the news; the news is the American election. BBC has created a new news programme reporting
exclusively from the US. Now there’s an innovative idea. We may have missed Britney changing
her purse while we slept. More
Make Mine a Double - 19 March 2008
“Hazel. Get me the catalogue. It’s time for my annual kitchen.”
“The John Lewis catalogue, Sir?”
“Precisely.”
It’s time to turn to the “John Lewis list”. So-called because it is based on prices at the
department store that specialises in top-of-the-range goods, where MPs avail themselves of
£22,000 of merchandise a year that comes out of our thread-worn pockets. More
“Hazel. Get me the catalogue. It’s time for my annual kitchen.”
“The John Lewis catalogue, Sir?”
“Precisely.”
It’s time to turn to the “John Lewis list”. So-called because it is based on prices at the
department store that specialises in top-of-the-range goods, where MPs avail themselves of
£22,000 of merchandise a year that comes out of our thread-worn pockets. More
I'm Your Man - 3 May 2008
It’s Boris, it’s Ken, it’s Boris, it’s Ken…Blimey! It’s bad-blonde-boisterous Boris …at long last.
After months of name-calling, father-naming, pejorative racists portrayals and endless
speculation regarding the Boris ‘n Ken Show, Red Ken has been thrown out with yesterday’s
whiskey bottles. No more millions missing, alcopops for breakfast, back-room deals, cronyism,
lies… maybe. More
It’s Boris, it’s Ken, it’s Boris, it’s Ken…Blimey! It’s bad-blonde-boisterous Boris …at long last.
After months of name-calling, father-naming, pejorative racists portrayals and endless
speculation regarding the Boris ‘n Ken Show, Red Ken has been thrown out with yesterday’s
whiskey bottles. No more millions missing, alcopops for breakfast, back-room deals, cronyism,
lies… maybe. More
On the Beach - 1 August 2008
I returned from my holiday to be greeted by photos of the PM-in-waiting and the PM-in-waiting-to-
be-dumped at leisure in their respective leisure wear, on the beach on the hottest day of the
year: Chameleon-Cameron shoeless in bright, floral, look-at-me shorts and Good-bye-Gordon in
an almost brownish suit jacket and belted black trousers, heavy shoes, woolly socks – on their
respective British-spun hols…Cornwall, Dorset. Cameron’s wife, Samantha, was photographed
all ‘Oh Dave’ dewy-eyed with hugs while Gordon’s wife in her flesh-coloured tights, Sarah, simply
looked lost – in space, in Britain. “Oh GB. We’re not in Scotland any more.” “What are flip flops?”
Shorts, cuddles, delight, jolly, fun vs suit, confusion, dour, joyless, frumpy. Now who has the best
spin-doctor here? More
I returned from my holiday to be greeted by photos of the PM-in-waiting and the PM-in-waiting-to-
be-dumped at leisure in their respective leisure wear, on the beach on the hottest day of the
year: Chameleon-Cameron shoeless in bright, floral, look-at-me shorts and Good-bye-Gordon in
an almost brownish suit jacket and belted black trousers, heavy shoes, woolly socks – on their
respective British-spun hols…Cornwall, Dorset. Cameron’s wife, Samantha, was photographed
all ‘Oh Dave’ dewy-eyed with hugs while Gordon’s wife in her flesh-coloured tights, Sarah, simply
looked lost – in space, in Britain. “Oh GB. We’re not in Scotland any more.” “What are flip flops?”
Shorts, cuddles, delight, jolly, fun vs suit, confusion, dour, joyless, frumpy. Now who has the best
spin-doctor here? More