|Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
Get out your pads and pens. It’s time to play You the Jury. Greet your new best friends for the
next 6 months, 11 chosen-by-ballot jurors. Tick boxes ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you want to ever get back
to normal life so that you can be the first to sell your story to a voracious tabloid, ‘maybe’ is not
Your choices of likely issues as released by Lord Justice Scott Baker July ‘07:
— Whether driver error caused the collision, and whether a Fiat Uno was involved
— Whether the actions of the paparazzi contributed to the crash
— Whether the road/tunnel layout was inherently dangerous
— Whose decision it was that the Princess of Wales and Dodi Fayed should leave by Ritz rear
— Why Henri Paul had so much money in his possession
— Whether the Princess of Wales’s life would have been saved if she had reached hospital
— Whether she was pregnant
— Whether the evidence of Richard Tomlinson [the former M16 agent who claimed that Henri
Paul was a spy and that there had been M16 officers at the British Embassy in Paris before the
crash] is relevant
— Whether correspondence belonging to the Princess of Wales (including some from the Duke
of Edinburgh) has vanished
Why not include Trevor Rees-Jones in a safe-house, why we now must call him Trevor Rees,
when is a ‘friendship’ ring more than friendship – before or after it leaves the shop, Henri’s ‘drunk
as a pig’ blood vials switched in the lab, his Paris flat a veritable drinking den of copious amounts
of soda water, the Queen's Private Secretary, Diana's brother-in-law Robert Fellowes’ adroit
ability to appear in two cities at once, the Operation Paget report as an utter fabrication, ‘The
Tiggy Experience’, the royal courtiers’ systematic stratagem to make Diana appear to be
unstable/incoherent/irrational/mad/mental/balmy/bonkers, the American who swore to god that
Diana told a close female friend that she was pregnant just before she died (without revealing
the father), seatbelt tampering, Camilla’s complicity, why Tracey Emin hasn’t shown up… so
many questions, so little time.
The Queen: (And no Helen Mirren substituting)
"It’s all up to the Queen,” Mr Al Fayed’s spokesman Mr Cole said. “At stages in her life the only
person Diana could talk to in confidence in the royal family was the Queen. She has an unrivalled
knowledge of the Princess’s state of mind.” “There is a belief that Her Majesty’s evidence is
crucial in this case,” said a source close to the case.
A crucial question that will never get answered: why did the Queen - after 3 weeks of Paul
Burrell’s stressful, distressing trial regarding Diana’s personal affects including those revealing
letters of possible royal indiscretions and those pinched from Philip to Diana - suddenly have a
reversal of self-imposed amnesia and ‘remembered’ that she had granted him permission to take
possession of them. Hmmm. Curiouser and curiouser….
Paul-the-butler-Burrell, aka ‘The Rock’:
Enterprising, exploitative Paul has ‘the “…my husband is planning ‘an accident’ in my car, brake
failure and serious head injury in order to make the path clear for him to marry” letter’. Where
would this inquest be without him.
Rene Delorm, Dodi’s butler
Rene says he saw Dodi stroking the Princess’s tummy as he bent before Diana on one knee
(best to delete that tummy image from your mind without delay - aurgh). She whispered, ‘Yes’,
Mr Delorm will say, although he could not be certain as to exactly what she was consenting to.
The Dark Forces:
Those ‘powers at work in this country about which we have no knowledge’ as stated by the
Queen. (Surely she wasn’t referring to Price Philip…)
Who Won’t Play:
Witnesses as well as those authorities who would be ready with explanations regarding Diana’s
immediate atypical embalming, dodgy lab tests, hospital delay… but all unwilling to play the
game by attending in person. (Must be the food.)
Sixty-eight witnesses of Mohamed Fayed’s choice.
Representatives of the royals set to defend Charles and Philip - lest they would appear culpable.
The MI6 team. (Exactly what are they doing?)
The first of four coroners, Dr John Burton, who vigorously resisted an open inquest for 5 years,
now dead. Former deputy Michael Burgess “too busy” as a coroner to preside, still alive. High
Court family division judge, Baroness Butler-Sloss, who developed jury-phobia within 3 months,
inexplicably of course.
Days before she died, Diana taunted journalists: "You are going to get a big surprise with the
next thing I do.” Regrettably we were.
Professor Peacock in the conservatory with the candlestick. You win.