LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
26 September 2015
Pearls Before Swine

So many pig puns swirling around, it’s hard to say which should take the prize.
So, it’s your (pig – oh stop me now) call...oink. Silk purse...sow’s  ear? Not quite
as the ear is not the anatomical part in question is it?

‘Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in.’ With revelations in the
200,000 word, 1000 page biography of the PM, Call Me Dave by Lord Ashcroft,
journalists have been squealing over CallMeDave’s private part stuck in the
mouth of a dead pig’s head. They are saying it’s preposterous, ridiculous,
laughable. Well, it’s the fact that they consider it preposterous, ridiculous,
laughable that is preposterous, ridiculous, laughable.

Clearly they have no idea how posh toffs carry on in the world? Really? Clue:
entitlement; it’s in the title. (Sorry) The posh and privileged are accused of
‘being out of touch’. Ha. They live in their own separate world, so naturally they
are ‘out of touch’. Journalists haven’t noticed? But then again, what’s sillier than
a refuting journalist? A thick toff. Clue: CallMeDave.

The highly exclusive, men-only club, ‘Piers Gav’, made up of a self-selecting
group of 12 undergraduates, where the act took place, was named after Edward
the II’s alleged gay lover in 1977. It’s motto: ‘Fane non memini ne audisse unum
alterum ita dilixisse’. It translates to: ‘Truly, none remember hearing of a man
enjoying another so much’. Indeed. From a 1988 book, The Oxford Myth, noted
contemporary diarist Sebastian Shakespeare wrote: “Piers Gaveston...notorious
not only for drunkenness but for its patently homosexual behaviour”. Just saying.

And now for more of the amusing side of all this. CMD met with the Dainish PM
right after ‘piggate’ was revealed. Now aren’t the Danes famous for their bacon?
See? That’s the amusingly ironic bit. OK. Others have done it much better than
my attempt.

Lib Dem leader Tim Farron said: "I’ve never been more pleased to be a
vegetarian", his predecessor Paddy Ashdown said: “Once again hogging the
headlines at the Lib Dem Conference”. Labour MP Chris Bryant asked: “Was it
not the late Eric Forth that referred to PMQs as Prime Minister’s porkies”? Even
Tory blogger, journalist Tim Stanley tweeted: “I just found out about the pig thing.
Suddenly, voting for a vegetarian Marxist doesn’t seem quite so bad an idea.”

The book says Dave is passionate in his love of country pursuits (his clandestine
love of fox hunting then?) and quotes one eye-witness describing how the CMD
can “scratch a pig’s back so effectively that the creature sighs”. No mention of
Dave’s partiality for pigs in a blanket served with cocktails so far.

We’ve all been treated to photos of Dave embracing a pig haven’t we? The
source for ‘piggate’ is said to be “a distinguished Oxford contemporary” who
also went on to become a Member of Parliament. Obviously the media is madly
trying to find the source who has a photo. A photo! Oh it just couldn’t get any
better could it?

CMD whinged that he had been “stabbed in the back by a little prick”. No, really.
Little? And Dave knows this first hand? I know....

Miss Piggy would not be a happy bunny would she? But then, Miss Piggy surely
can’t be happy with the new and improved (joking) TV version of
The Muppets.
Bikini waxes for Miss P. Oh say it isn’t sow (Oh dear, I’m channelling Tim Vine).
Ew! Ew! Ew! Oink and ouch!

And for the youthful PM; debauchery, drugs, uninterrupted – all right -
continuous sex with only and all the prettiest girls. Quelle surprise. Lies, deceit,
hypocrisy.  Quelle surprise. Arrogance, condescension, entitlement. Quelle
surprise. Everyone knows university club initiation ceremonies are places of
pompous excess including bestiality and cross-dressing. So, end of. Well, still
disgusting. But can you be assured that CallMeDave will keep his ‘snout in the
trough’....

Ashcroft accuses CMD of appearing lazy and unreliable and says his own
campaign chief described him as a “posh c***.” Allegedly CMD said that he was
born with not one, but two silver spoons in his mouth.

Ashcroft, former deputy chairman of the Conservatives, who donated £8m to the
party to help Dave says they fell out after he was passed over for a leading role
in the coalition government which Dave had promised.

There’s always more. Dave has previously suggested he had no idea Ashcroft
was not paying UK tax on his overseas earnings until his financial affairs were
made public in 2010. But Ashcroft claims Dave knew the year before. Oh, Dave.
Liar, liar pants on fire. Or at least around his ankles or possibly even ‘debagged’
(removal of trousers as punishment).

Anti-Tory activists are planning to wear pig masks as they protest outside the
conference. Organisers at the People’s Assembly Against Austerity have even
shared a link with protesters which shows them how to print their own pig mask
for the occasion. Ah. This piggy-referencing could go on for years and years
and years. Piggy in the middle, piggybacking, pigs might fly, pig in a poke, this
little piggy went to Oxford, this little piggy stayed homeless...

Call Me Dave, co-written by Isabel Oakeshott, former political editor of
The
Sunday Times
comes out next month, but excerpts were printed daily in The
Daily Mail. Hint: The Queen does not find Dave amusing.


Pretty Woman

With the end of London Fashion Week, with the end of the endless emaciated-
model-debate (hopefully), the Dalai Lama has added to the question of the
attractiveness of women in the world.

Surely you are rereading that sentence.
The Dalai Lama? Really? Really.

The perpetually cheerful 80-year-old Buddhist has said that while he would be
happy for a female to take over his role in ten years, a plain or ugly candidate
would not be suitable as his successor taking on the role of being the 15th Dalai
Lama. So much for ‘inner beauty’.

"That female must be attractive, otherwise it is not much use," Tibet's spiritual
leader told a taken aback BBC interviewer. Not much use? Lost in translation?

The self-declared feminist didn’t stop there. The DL had declared that if it is a
woman, she must not just be loving and affectionate, but also she should also be
‘easy on the eye’. “The female biologically [has] more potential to show affection
and compassion.”

He made his latest pronouncements while on a nine-day visit to London, where
he is promoting the concepts of compassionate and considerate behaviour.
Hmmmm. I’m thinking Katie Hopkins need not apply.

These comments were made during an interview with the BBC television
journalist Clive Myrie.  He had been asked whether it was possible that a woman
could succeed to his position. He leaned forward to Myrie with a smile and
added: “If it is a female, the face should be very attractive’." Clearly surprised,
Myrie asked: "You are joking, I am assuming. Or you're not joking?" The DL
then said he was not. "It's true," he replied.

He has previously presented himself as a keen advocate of women’s' rights,
telling an interviewer in 2013: "I call myself a feminist". But - he once said:
"Some feminists have too much emotion. That I don't like." The same Dalai Lama
who admits to having a terrible temper? Surely the Dalai Lama wasn’t
euphemistically calling women – hysterical. Oh surely not? Not looking good
here.

An accompanying BBC website article that summarised the Dalai Lama's
interview did not included his remarks on women. As they do.

A few facts the Dalai Lama might want to consider. 81per cent of girls, 11-21,
have seen or experienced some form of sexism in the past week! Week! Three
in five girls heard jokes or belittling, degrading remarks and 39 per cent had
demeaning comments made in regards to the way they look. Not pretty.

Why do I think the Dalai Lama is not going to listen? 42 per cent said they had
read in the media, in just the past week, something that trivialised violence or
abuse towards women.

British feminist writer Laura Bates: “Their achievements will be less important
than their looks”. No change there.
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