LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
27 October 2012
It's Party Time

A £400,000 book deal based on how to toast marshmallows is surely a reason
for a party at LouLou's with a few royals thrown in the mix...Eugenie and
Beatrice...if you were wondering. Oh it must involve Princess-in-the-making-
Pippa.

We've missed seeing her in the press throwing herself in supplication on the gilt
altar of French and British 'aristocracy' for the last few hours - or has it been
days.

With the starting price for a founding membership to LouLou's being £25,000,
naturally taxpayer funded royal protection was required to perform sweeps,
twice - on the off chance that a desperately keen devotee might be planning to
touch that middling Middleton bum. The Chelsea bookshop was given royal
protection the day before and an hour before the royal-princess-aspirant
appeared.

Penguin, the publisher of the 416 page
Celebrate: A Year of British Festivities
for Families and Friends
hired ex-military bodyguards with experience
protecting the royals and diplomats from the clamouring peasants. At least 12
international TV crews and photographers were ready to document the
momentous event and Pippa's four £3,000 outfits and her very own moc-croc
handbag - available in 5 colours, 2 purses in 2 colours renamed the Pippa.
Thrilling.

It was reported at the time when LouLou opened earlier this summer that
Tatler's editor, Kate Reardon, declared: "It’s one of the most exciting things to
happen in London nightlife for a generation. If you haven’t been there already
you’re a bit of a loser." Oh dear. Did Pippa make it in time?

Perpetually smiling Pippa told the reporters: "It's incredibly exciting and I feel
really lucky to be in this position to publish a book so that's great. It has been a
crazy couple of years since my sister's wedding but it's had its upsides and
downsides I just feel really fortunate to be able to build a career as a writer."
Writer? Writer? Let me quote: Make "mournful ghosts with a white balloon,
bamboo cane (you know, the one you have on hand) and a sheet. Stick the
canes in the ground where you want each ghost to stand."  Accomplished
verbal acuity clearly.

Be inspired. Lollipops covered in kitchen roll with eyes drawn on in (ah) a black
magic marker then stuck into a pumpkin. Huh? Pumpkin bowling, a doughnut
tree, bacon in tomato soup, a quick venison and beetroot stew...I am begging
myself to stop...don't forget to store cakes in airtight containers...help.

Pippa has found her fame 'startling'. (I can't resist) "It's a bit startling to achieve
global recognition, if that's the right word, (personally I'm speechless) before
the age of 30, on account of your sister, your brother-in-law, and your bottom."
That very unremarkable bottom displayed to upstage her sister? That bottom?

A three book deal promises more of the same. Prepare for weddings on a
budget to follow. Exactly how would Pippa understand life on a budget with that
nouveau riche life style?

The book's photographer, David Loftus has said: "She's the sweetest kindest
girl and -- you know she is very shy. This has all come about you know
because of the wedding, because of her sister, but it is essentially what she
was doing before. She's doing her best in very difficult surroundings really.
She's expecting to be criticized, she doesn't deserve it, she works incredibly
hard. She deserves the success. So I hope people read it and look at it and
see it for what it is." Taking the piss? Crap? Embarrassing? Silly? Inane?
Cashing in - yet again? Presumably he has signed a deal for the other two
books.

Apparently she gives instructions for making a cup of tea. I must stop here to
repeatedly thump my head on my pristine black granite kitchen counter.

However I've saved the best for last. Pippa on breakfast: "I have funny
memories of creeping up the stairs with my brother and sister, carrying a
breakfast tray for our parents as a surprise treat: desperately trying not to spill
the tea and orange juice or knock over the vase of flowers, stifling our giggles
so that they couldn't hear us coming." Not had enough? "Anything from a
simple pot of tea with a few digestive biscuits to a fully laden tray". For a
'special' breakfast use a jug rather than a carton. Who exactly displays a carton
of milk when serving a cup of tea? Classy.

Okay. One more bit: "I hope you will see this as a feel-good book with ideas to
look forward to each month, providing threads of lasting, happy memories, be it
around a table lit with candles in winter, outside on a rug in summer or in the
autumn, perched on a leaf-covered bench, hot drink in hand." Pippa believes
the book is a chance for her to 'paint a picture' of herself to the public...and the
army?

The Week reported that Prince Harry has been reading out excerpts to his
regiment in Afghanistan to 'raise morale' and give 'some much-needed cheer' to
his fellow troops. Sack races, party activities, craft projects. Clearly just what a
soldier serving in Afghanistan requires to stay cheerful and alive. They are
referring to her as his 'wifey in the making'. Are those Machiavellian Middletons
perfecting another obvious stratagem?

If we're terribly lucky, Pippa might include the latest US import: Obama's
favourite, S'Mores in her next tome. A twist in her toasted marshmallow treats.
Actually. They are revolting.

On their website the book is described as 'fabulous'. £400,000 worth of
fabulous.
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