10 October 2014
The Party's Over

All mouth and no trousers. Our favourite fear-mongerer Farage and new-to-the-
cause Douglas Carswell were grinning ear to ear, all teeth on show.

The duo were giddy to the point of united lunacy after Ukip had finally claimed
its first elected MP with Carswell winning the Clacton by-election by12,404
votes. Le coup de grâce: Carswell had defected from the Conservatives in
August. Ukip devotees were called in from other constituencies to create a
seemingly local celebration. Oh Nige. Clever but caught out. He naturally did
what he always does when pressed: he showed his teeth, rather like a horse,
whinnied, I mean laughed and laughed and laughed and... Carswell curiously
looks toothless unless he is laughing. Not a good look.

Nigel wants all HIV positive people to be banned from entering the UK. No. You
haven’t entered a time warp, although clearly Nige has.

Perhaps in his narrow-to-non-existent-vision he didn’t know that his new pet
Carswell’s actual father just happened to be a pioneer in HIV research in
Africa. Oops. No worries. Carswell tried to slip out of any discussion when
cornered by the media. Like any loyal Ukip member. He’s learning quickly isn’t

Nigel hates immigrants (oh dear...what to do about his German wife?). He has
said when on the tube (hanging out with his ‘people’) Nigel only hears “foreign’
accents”. Hmmm. All those talkative tourists offending Nigel. He should
recognise all those ‘foreign accents’ as he a veteran of the Brussels and
Strasbourg Parliament since 1999. But back to his wife for a minute. Last
month Kirsten Farage barred
The Telegraph from a Ukip fringe meeting
instructing MEPs how to secure taxpayer-funded holidays for their friends and
supporters. Nicht sehr nett. (OK. I don’t speak German either but it translates:
‘not very nice’ if you were at all curious.)

We know Nigel wants all migrants to be returned-to-sender. He told
he wants to control “the quantity and quality of people coming to live in the UK.
People who do not have HIV, to be frank. That’s a good start.” Surely Nige has
plans to gather up the 100,000 people living with HIV living in the UK to send
them off in small inadequate boats.

“All those immigrants coming in here and taking our jobs and our council
houses and our benefits” is the inevitable response when people on the streets
are asked about Ukip. Wrong. Statistics state they are totally wrong.

So what does that tell us? This was a protest vote against the political elite? Yes
– clearly, but think again. A fear-driven vote? A pro-workers party vote? Ha. A
racist vote? Surely not. An anarchists’ vote? If only. A vote to get in bed with
Nigel? As CMD warned us in his conference speech: “If you vote Ukip – that’s
really a vote for Labour. Here’s a thought… on the 7th of May you could go to
bed with Nigel Farage and wake up with Ed Miliband.” What a clever toff. Ha,
ha, ha Dave.

Ironically no one, well specifically the media, can find a single Ukip follower
who can give a single policy that Ukip stands for – except for xenophobic anti-
immigration. A party founded on a single policy and a lot of laughing. Utter

Labour and the Tories are all panicked now that ‘The People’s Army’ is on the
march. Nigel wants to increase defence by 40% as well as the police force,
Border Force and prison service. Straight from the horse's mouth and that is

Keep Moving

Dr Harry Witchel is a discipline leader in physiology at Brighton and Sussex
Medical School, who kindly examined the gestures made by CallMeDave and
Ed during their keynote speeches at this year's Labour and Conservative party
conferences for our edification. Dr Witchel has written on the academics' news
The Conversation.

Think you’ll be surprised? Hmmm. Possibly not. Labour leader Ed Miliband has
“the hands of a geek while Prime Minister David Cameron's pursed lips are tell-
tale signs of anxiety”.

CMD “came across as aggressive (oh as in Australian aggressive? I know you
know Dave is channelling Aussie-spin-master-strategist Lynton Crosby) while
the Labour leader appeared an over-confident technocrat"...Dave’s “thin lips
regularly purse inward at certain times in a particularly idiosyncratic way.
Thinning lips are typically a sign of anger but the inward movement of
Cameron's lips, as if he was about to bite his lip, is actually a sign of anxiety”.
Posh, privileged, PR Dave – anxious? Apparently so. Hmmm. Very, very slick
however anxious.

Regarding Ed, Dr Witchel said: ''His hands often assumed another central
position, steepling in front of his abdomen, which is a sign of technical
confidence...in some ways though, Miliband's tendency to position his hands
centrally is a defensive mechanism. They are the hands of a geek in the
playground, worried that a bully is about to kick a football at him.'' Oh duck, Ed.
Dave’s got the ball.

Dr Witchel said: ''These two leaders are different in so many ways and their
body language tells us what kind of prime minister they are, or would be.”

Ready? ''Many of their actions and positions on stage are well-rehearsed but
others are impulsive. All confirm that Miliband is open while Cameron is
commanding. Their bodies give away tell-tale signs of nerves while public
speaking, but neither gave off signs that they are unfit for the job of leader.''

Hmmm. Well at the Labour Conference, Ed was called ‘lacklustre’...
underwhelming more like and at the Tory Conference Dave was determined to
sell us used cars.

Dr Witchel added that “Miliband naturally looks open because of his big open
eyes and large mouth”. Really? Not according to Former Cabinet minister Jack
Straw. He actually suggested Ed’s “panda eyes and strange lips” were putting
voters off. Yes, you read it right. Cringe-making...’strange lips’...oh my.
Perhaps Dr Witchel is unaware of the common held view of Ed: more Wallace
than ‘open’.

Although Jack Straw said Ed was a strong leader he added: “I know people say
he’s got panda eyes and strange lips – I could make the same remarks in
different ways about Mr Clegg or Mr Cameron.” Well please do.

With Labour loyalists beginning to vocalise their doubts that Ed can bring them
to victory in the coming May election, surely it’s time to get the best in. Oh Alan
Johnson; where are you when we need you? Quickly. Find him. Nigel’s ‘The
People’s Army’ is planning military-style political manoeuvres. Panic when they
start using one arm hand gestures. We won’t have to ask Dr Witchel will we?
The Revolution Will Be Televised is back. How can you not love these guys?
Simple: you can’t. BBC3. I’m thinking simple: a revolution will do it.
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