Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
It's 2009 All Over Again - 8 January 2009

Who Let the Dogs Out?

The odious Otis Ferry has begun the decade still foaming at the mouth after ripping foxes to
bloody pieces with his teeth for the  last ten years, still willing to pontificate on the entitlement of
the landed gentry even after an extended prison visit. Time to stuff him down a rabbit hole and let
the dogs out as all those ‘troublesome’ foxes have had to be shipped out from urban areas to the
countryside to perpetuate the myth – and clearly there is a need for a new target. “I am willing to
sacrifice myself, my image for the greater good.” This might just terminate his modelling career.

Party On

MPs aren’t about to disappoint this decade. They are cheerfully continuing with their typical
inability to mix with the commoners. 340 MPs plus guests slurped champagne and scoffed
canapés to view the New Year’s Eve fireworks on the Commons river terrace while squeezing
their personalised stress balls. The government has spent £8m of our missing money on branded
goods which include mouse mats, beanie hats, cupcakes, aprons, as well as those bright-
coloured purcupine stress balls. But no worries; they can now toss their balls into the Thames as
it is back to business as usual. Second home allowances, nepotism, weekly Kit Kat requirements
are all back on the agenda. “Don’t hold back now, dear boys. Duck houses all round….”

Third Time Unlucky

The coup that failed – again. Even when PM-in-waiting David Miliband and Labour backbenchers
had tied the now permanently grinning Gordon to a chair and threatened to tip it over backwards
while balanced on a ledge, he refused to go. The knives were out - the blades were dull, the
enemy rallied the troops – with a blank email, MPs blackmailed the PM behind closed doors –
cowards. “No ‘Et tu, brute’ for us then….” The Tories are going to win the next election – trading
one incompetent personally ambitious party for another.

Oh dear me. Bankers get their obscene bonuses, stealth taxes multiply, the UK continues to be
the US 53rd state, celebrities dictate worth  - I have to lie down now. Wake me in 2012.