LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
12 April 2015
Ouch!

Oh dear, the odious Tory Defence Secretary Michael Fallon went personal (ie;
‘gutter’ politics) with credit going to equally odious Australian strategy guru
Lynton Crosby who is clearly orchestrating the smarmy Tory tactics to win the
upcoming election.

“Ed Miliband stabbed his own brother in the back to become Labour leader. Now
he is willing to stab the United Kingdom in the back to become prime minister.”
Hopefully Fallon’s remark will bite them on the bum – or better knife them in the
back. Lynton has quickly switched to Plan B after they had a two-point fall in the
polls. Expect loads of ‘we’re all in it together’ Labour-like proposals.

PM CallMeDave defended the remark as “a pretty frank way” to describe the
Tory fabrication of Labour’s renewal of Trident. Pretty? I think not, Dave. CMD
has already done his bit by suggesting Ed had no character when asked; he
said he didn’t know Ed personally. Oh Dave. What a class act. Come on, how
much do we hate all this playground bullying?

Favourites of the week: Lynton Crosby has been linked to two companies based
in Malta – tax haven, Malta that is. Tut, tut Lynton. FYI when Lynton manipulated
Boris’ mayoral victory in 2012 he demanded ex-mayor Ken Livingston divulge
his tax affairs. Kettle-black you must be thinking.

Then there was CallMeDave eating a hot dog with a knife and fork. Sorry, Dave.
It’s not the proper way is it, Dave?

Then there was that little girl, seemingly overcome with ennui, her forehead
resting on the table on the children’s book as father-of-the-year (yes I am being
factious here) Dave read to her. A picture tells a thousand words…even if that’s
not the whole story.

Mustn’t forget Dave-on-the-bus. Not. Dave travels from totally controlled setting to
totally controlled setting by plane (or if necessary, by train), but he hops on the
Tory bus a few stops before his scheduled appearance and then does the same
in reverse after those few moments shared with the peasants. Shake your
collective heads in disbelief – I am.

Manifestos to be announced next week. I’m holding my breath.


Come Fly with Me

Avaricious Al is coming. Al is on a speaking tour in the UK and Ireland.   Get out
the cash. Huh you say? Well, if you want to spend time with Al Pacino, you can
hand over £2,500 for alone time in his dressing room (um, no thank you), but if
that’s not glamourous enough, you can fly on his private jet with him from
Glasgow to London for £25,000 ($41,555 for Al). No, really. Trust me here, the
details of ‘The Amazing Experience’ with Al are not all that exciting. Flights, hotel,
tickets. See what I mean?

Have your credit cards to hand. Less pricey options for ‘The Unique Experience’
(I’m gagging here) allows you to eat lunch with Al at his hotel before the London
show - £7,500 ($12,000).

If that’s too pricey, fans can buy a £2,500 ($4,150) ticket package that includes
20 minutes of alone time with Al in his dressing room, or £650 ($1,080) for a
group meet and greet. What else? £1,000 to polish his shoes, £1,500 to share
his loo, £2,000 to sit in his dressing room chair? Surprisingly, his organisers
haven’t include these essential ‘get close to Al’ options – yet.

Al’s here to speak to his fans about himself. ‘An Evening with Pacino’, (clever) is
being marketed as ‘an exceptional opportunity to catch an icon in the flesh’. I’m
liking ‘in the flesh’ – not at all. His evening-with-Al organisers are promising
‘never-before-heard stories and never-before-seen video clips, plus a chance to
ask questions’. Hmmm. So what secrets has Al been hiding from us since 2013,
his last evening-with-Al; a sold-out event at the Palladium. How old is his latest
girlfriend for example? Oh right. 35 and he’s grandfatherly 74. Naturally.


Diamonds Are Forever

Uninsured uncut diamonds. Hmmmm. Uninsured; not suspicious surely. Four
stake-out days, two days inside, six thieves, they cut through two metres of wall
(naturally with a diamond drill – ironic smile would be appropriate here), millions
of gems and £60m in cash stolen, seventy deposit boxes, Scotland Yard
unresponsive after three false alarms, two days before the audacious crime was
discovered.

The media has made it into a farce and are relishing in the script potential. The
Mirror gave them heist-handles: Mr Strong, Mr Ginger, The Gent. They have
declared an inside job. They have declared they know who did it. Actually, just
read the
Mirror this Sunday for all the specifics.

A Scotland Yard spokesman: “A grade was applied to the call that meant that no
police response was deemed to be required. We are now investigating why this
grade was applied to the call. It is too early to say if the handling of the call
would have had an impact on the outcome of the incident.” What? Really?

The jewellers plan to sue. Will that include the ‘uninsured’ loot then?   I’m seeing
a film coming - aren’t you?


To Be or Not To Be

Ten years on after the royal nuptials and opinions have changed with time.
When Charles married Camilla, only seven per cent were willing to accept
Camilla as the next queen – which she in fact will be when Charles commands
the throne, regardless of what Clarence House is saying. Polls vary, but fifty-five
per cent polled have forgiven ‘the third person’ in Diana and Charles’ marriage.

Views run the Marmite gamut from “never, never, never” to “she makes him
happy”. And how do these commoners actually know that? Really! While on the
subject of opinions, those polled moved off topic to say they wanted Charles to
step down and William to be next in line. Yawn. Royal reality check. No William
is not going to usurp his father. It just isn’t going to happen. Not that knowing that
will dissuade those anti-Charles, pro-Wills will it? It won’t.

On the day of the marriage ceremony Camilla was actually booed in the streets.
Goodness gracious me. The last time the peasants expressed their feelings
towards a royal bride was 1533 when Henry VIII elevated his mistress, Anne
Boleyn, to the position of Queen Consort. Gosh.

Charles’ advisers naturally ignored the lowly peasants and attempted to include
Camilla as Charles’ plus-one at the memorial service to Diana on the tenth
anniversary of her death. Clever.

Outraged public objections were immediate. Clearly the peasants felt her
presence would be utterly inappropriate. Camilla was forced into a humiliating
public climb-down. She issued a statement reversing her decision to attend.

But that was back then and this is now. Apparently separate lives and living
separately suits them – or at least Camilla who it is said finds Charles too
annoying to spend time with. So it’s happily ever after then….
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