|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
9 June 2018
|On the Run...Way
Search parties have been sent out to find the missing Foreign Secretary. “There
he is! Boris is hiding in the baggage claims area. See him. Just look for his hair.
I think he just stepped out of a big box. Oh. Now he’s hiding behind a post. Uh
oh. He’s slithering away – well, not exactly slithering on that – erm tummy. Boris,
oh Boris. Where are you going? Ireland? You know, “soooooo small” to take
As it happens, Buffoon-Boris appeared at the Conservative Way Forward
summer reception the next night. Goodness me. B-B breached the Theresa’s
‘waiver’ on not talking to any media other than his local paper about Heathrow.
So what did he say then? "It's the right idea, not in the right place." Wait!
What?! But he promised he’d “lie down in front of the bulldozers”. Going to
disappoint us again then, Boris.
As we all now know, those decade-old very controversial plans to expand
Heathrow airport for a £14bn third runway have been approved by Cabinet
ministers with Theresa granting a free ride to Boris by absolving him from the
Commons vote or a voice on the issue. Collusion? Never. Evidently B-B was the
only Cabinet minister to express his opposition in a recent meeting.
Let’s see here. The third runway will be crucial to compensate for all those
students and tourists who will be queuing up to be let in. Oh oops. Did we forget
about Brexit? Cancel all that increased cash coming in. Theresa and most of her
Cabinet back the plans as a key part of building a ‘global Britain’ after Brexit.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Theresa is just so amusing.
Campaigners naturally claim the plan will lead to more noise, air pollution and
undermine Britain’s climate change fight - if the runway is actually built. Oh
dear. Word is it will take another 10 years before it will be built.
Contrary to Popular Belief
“I’m more popular than you, so ha.” A poll by the ConHome (a centre-right
political blog) website has ranked Tory Cabinet members by popularity, as you
do. Wait. Do you? Really? I think not. Finding one not only to ‘like’ but tolerate is
a true test of endurance. Not problem. They rate themselves by 'net satisfaction
rating'. OK. OK. Come back.
Mikey is first? Mikey? Oh madness. The knife-in-the-back Mikey? Esther
McVey, Esther McVey is third? With four million children, that’s nearly one child
in every three, living in poverty by 2015/16 – expecting to rise by 1.2 million in
the next three years.
McVey who suggested that the Tories' 'rape clause' - forcing women to reveal a
pregnancy was caused by rape if they want to claim benefits for a third or
subsequent child. Lovely.
Jeremy is 4th. Now, he is considered the very “the worst Health Secretary in
history” working very hard at privatisation and underfunding in the NHS to create
a two-tier system of them and us. The scary bit is that he is succeeding in his
stratagem. Feeling unwell?
Another favourite is of course, Liam Fox coming in at 5th. Our loved and
respected Trade Secretary who was previously forced to resign in disgrace for
involving a 'friend' to take an unofficial and undeclared role as his adviser plus
taking him on official trips and into official meetings. As you do when you can.
Davey? David Davis at 9th? Really? He revealed he’s “stupid” – right there – isn’t
that enough or is that actually a badge of honour? OK. He said he didn’t need to
be “very clever”. Hmm. who ever said he was? We and they know he doesn’t
bother to show up to Brussels negotiations or if he does, he arrives with no
papers and leaves after one minute. Takes your breath away, doesn’t it?
Poor Boris comes in 11th. No need to say anything as Boris does it all by
himself. Foot in mouth et al….
The bookies’ odds as to who is most likely to leave first? David Davis 33%, Chris
Grayling 25%, Boris Johnson 11%, Theresa May 11%, Esther McVey 6%, Liam
Fox 6%, Philip Hammond 6%. Leave? Oh please!
What the Hell
And yet another favourite – erm – idiot. What’s not to like about ‘actor’ Shane
Richie? Everything. Forgetting the panic that he’ll return to make EastEnders
even more unwatchable – we’ve been warned – but now he is back from his
‘holiday from hell’, according to the unlikable and known to be inappropriately
SR is taking legal action against Thomas Cook for making him experience his
“worst nightmare”. “Worst”… made him? Oh, it was that two weeks in Mexico at
a five-star resort. And what did SR claim? “Loads of things happened” including
loud drum and bass music blaring out around the pool at 10.30am. “Loads of
things”? The man certainly has an impressive command of the language.
But, a source close to Thomas Cook said: “Shane complained about
holidaymakers taking pictures of him, having to get up at 5.30am to put towels on
sunbeds, loud music by the pool and queuing to get eggs in the morning.”
Feeling a welling up of empathy yet?
He was accompanied by his in-laws, wife and three children, Mackenzie,
Romani and Lolita. Wait a minute here. Erm. Surely you must be wondering if
he named his children himself? Oh dear. Not familiar with the infamous book.
Shane? Ever read?
He whinged: “I was recommended the five-star resort. It cost thousands. It was
supposed to be a holiday of a lifetime. I was taking my in-laws for 17 nights. It
was my worst nightmare. It was 'f*****g horrendous. I got spanked by them.”
Huh? “Spanked”? Huh? Is there something we don’t know about Shane then? Oh
let’s not even go there. Yuck. “Holiday of a lifetime - in Mexico”? Oh really!
Mexico: where heads roll up on the beach in Acapulco. Definitely a holiday of a
A spokesman for Cook said: “We always want our customers to enjoy their
holidays so we're disappointed Mr Richie didn't like the hotel he asked us to
book for him.
“We did everything we could to help in resort, including complimentary upgrades
and an offer to move to the premium hotel next door.
“Given the circumstances we can't justify a full refund so sadly this has become
a legal issue.”
He hadn’t initially booked the premium hotel next door? Hmmm. Is that Shane
stomping on towels, kicking the drum in, smashing dishes and throwing eggs at
other holiday-makers, pulling out his hair? I thought so.
Location, Location, Location
“People parent differently.” Really? According to Kirstie Allsopp. Mother of two
10 and 12, left her sons in economy class while she and their father luxuriated
(OK. Not quite, but still…) in business class.
Evidently some had a go at her decision to leave them to the other passengers.
10 and 12. Hmm. Rather, erm, tricky ages. She told The Sun they weren’t worth
the extra money as seen as an “absurd waste”. She would rather spend the
money on the actual trip. Do you think she told them they were “an absurd
waste”? Oh right. It was just the money. We clearly need to reveal her personal
worth – now that doesn’t include her partner’s does it? – estimated to be £30
million and increasing. You do the maths, as KA clearly has already.
She referred to the ‘furore’ as “bollocks”. Charming. No need to continue to
quote her is there?
Putting People Off
Will the thrill never end? What you need is…drum roll…more of youuuuuu. Now,
you can use your Memoji over your actual face while you’re taking a selfie. Yet
another – selfie that is. You can send your Memoji in an iMessage. You can use
the animated Memoji live on a FaceTime call. So excited.
Next: There are also new Animojis after you have spent enough time admiring
and sending yourself. Oh really. Is there really ever enough time? A tiger, an
alien, a T. rex. And now, they can detect when you're sticking out your tongue.
Yuck – and stupid. If you don’t hate when people stick out their tongues – ever -
you should. Yuck.