|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
3 August 2019
|One Man Standing
As surely you know and could possibly be celebrating dancing, drinking,
whatever, the Liberal Democrats have won the Brecon and Radnorshire by-
election, slashing Boris’ majority in the Commons to just one in his first electoral
test. One. Smiling.
Boris’ Blame Game
The Scottish Tory leader, Ruth Davidson was “absolutely livid” with Al/Boris. The
Sun said after he ignored her pleas to keep her close ally longstanding Scottish
secretary David Mundell in the cabinet. Not very nice, Al. She pointed out that
none of the other 12 Scottish Conservative MPs had any frontbench experience,
and that Mundell was best placed to challenge SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon’s
renewed demands for a second independence referendum.
And Boris? Well, the words out of his mouth were promises to renew “the ties
that bind our United Kingdom” as he pledged £300m of new funding for
Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland on his first visit to Edinburgh as PM.
For fun let’s go back to 2004. As editor at The Spectator, he chose to publish a
poem calling for the “extermination” of the “verminous Scottish race” written by
James Michie. No. Really. And Nicola? She has said a second Scottish
independent referendum will be the country's only option, with the most recent
survey finding that 63% of Scots would vote for separation if Boris pursues his
“do or die” no-deal Brexit. Hmm. Any bets he doesn’t like her hair? But no
worries. Boris’ oh so transparent plan is to blame the EU when we don’t get a
pro-UK…or rather a pro-England agreement. We were holding our collective
breaths waiting for his obvious blame game.
Spend, spend, spend. Splashing the cash. Maniacally ego-obsessed Al/Boris
planned to spend £10 million – oh wait – within 24 hours it’s was £100 million on
a no-deal Brexit information ‘blitz’ to convince the pathetic little peasants that no-
deal will make Britain Great – even ‘greater’ than his separated-at-birth Donny’s
‘greatest’ country. Oh wait. It increased to £1billion the next day. Oh wait. Now
Sajid Javid is going on a £2.1-billion spending spree on no-deal preparations.
Are we to assume the 500 additional border force officials are to keep those
moaning Remainer Remoaners out of our Little England? Feeling better yet with
Al’s “a million to one” chance of it happening?
27 million leaflets waiting to be stuffed through your letterboxes. Remote to hand
with TV ads being touted as the biggest public information campaign since the
end of the Second World War. And you know how much they are living in that
“Oh. Spam! Can’t wait” nostalgia. Their so-called ‘war cabinet’. War cabinet, Al?
Are we a bit confused here? Al…Churchill? Huh, Al? His war cabinet: Gove,
Raab, Barclay, Cox, Javid and Al. And the evil scary Cummings? A former
special adviser to Michael Gove, was once described as a “career psychopath”
And in case EU citizens and governments were unaware of Brexit after three
years, the UK government is planning – ready? - a Europe-wide media blitz to
convince them that the UK is – erm – serious about leaving, deal or no deal, on
October 31. The UK, the immediate joke-inducing to all the world, is serious
about sharing their ‘plans’. Taking out ages in major European newspapers and
targeting online adverts at European citizens. Ready?
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh, and Al won’t meet EU leaders until they
agree to ditch the backstop. World tyrant?
Oh dear. Another new Cabinet committee. Sigh. This one is XO. Y, as in ‘kiss
hug’? It’s the daily operations committee and guess who’s holding it. Y it’s Mikey
again. It will meet every morning as his very own no-deal planning group. Ah.
Vindicated, eh Mikey? Mikey expects specific deadlines.
Oh things are all going so well. But - Prominent MPs on the committee
investigating fake news and disinformation want Cummings, (clue: Cambridge
Analytica) who has already been found in contempt of parliament, to face
sanctions in his new role as Machiavellian mastermind. These could include
docking his salary, denying him a security pass and putting pressure on Al to
force him to give evidence to parliament. You know hoping here is pointless. He
is referred to by No.10 staff as “the CEO”.
Considering Al’s ‘chickening out’ of any situation that is in any way a threat to
his fragile inflated ego - Al has appointed Lee Cain, who was employed as the
Mirror Chicken outfit in 2010, as his spin doctor. Not joking. The new Director of
Communications was a chicken taunting CallMeDave and his Tory ‘mates’ as
they ‘ducked’ (sorry, but) questions in the run-up to the 2010 general election.
Al displays his love of chickens at a Welsh chicken farm by clucking
Donny’s administration has told us exactly what it wants from a trade deal. The
Guardian: “Britain to allow food produced in enormous animal factories, pumped
with steroids, hormones and antibiotics, into our markets. It wants us to accept
even greater monopoly rights for big pharmaceutical corporations, meaning
higher prices for medicines and more strain on the NHS. It wants us to allow the
Silicon Valley tech firms from Amazon to Facebook to Google to have greater
power to use and abuse our data. And it wants to extend the rights of US
corporations to enjoy “regulatory stability”, even giving them the right to sue the
British government in secret “corporate courts” for daring to do things such as
introduce a sugar tax or pass a law to stop fracking.” No-deal-deregulation-free-
reign-to-big-business. Just saying….
If you thought Liam was a threat, his replacement, Liz Truss is even worse. She
can deregulate the entire country. To drive down taxes, cut back public
spending, remove regulations on everything from housing, to education, to the
workplace, to railways. Can’t wait. Liz posted pictures of her meeting with (ew)
US ambassador ‘Woody’ – and naturally with a hashtag: “#readytotrade”. Toe-
curling. Clues: the Congress, Nancy Pelosi Speaker of the House, the Anglo-
Irish Agreement, the Irish American lobby + the backstop. And - UK tax on
American tech giants? No deals. Enough proof? What reality do these idiots live
in exactly? Oh right. This one: totally deluded death penalty supporters, anti-
feminists, racists, anti-Islam, anti-gay rights. A cabinet we can all love. Will we
get a new Little Britain flag to fly then? Huh Liz?
Over to You Al
Labour is handing Al the crown on a silver plate accompanied with ‘fan’fare. All
the polls can’t be wrong. Jezza is over. If he had any – oh say – honour, if he
had any loyalty to Labour, if he cared about the country he would step away,
step down and disappear.
We know that Alistair Campbell has quit Labour. Who hasn’t? Labour peer
Charlie Falconer: “Labour Govt, 1997-2010, did so much for so many people.
Schools, hospitals, better transport, minimum wage, human rights, surestart.
Alastair drove so much of it.”
Jezza’s slogan: “We are the party of the people. We are the party of the many,
and they are the party of the few.” And who actually said this? Whose slogan
was it? Of course it was Tony Blair’s. Quite.
The Show Can’t Go On
Not the circus!? Even a circus! A major US circus company says it is
considering moving its European base from Edinburgh to Paris or possibly
Berlin because of – oh you know, Brexit uncertainties. Las Vegas based
Spiegelworld is staging the Atomic Saloon Show — “set in a Wild West neon
disco” — erm, OK - at the Edinburgh Festival before the show heads back to the
US. It was supposed to be the first of five annual productions to be staged in
Edinburgh until now. Marvelous.
Feet of Clay
Hmm. Our new bare-foot-sociologist-philosopher Harry seems to be having a
problem linking private jet travel with his eco-warrior title. OK. Not the brightest
knife in the box, but – one of the most entitled. Really Harry! 174 private jets for
the A-lister-celebrity-eco-warriors chauffeured around in Maseratis, looked out
onto high-maintenance golf courses, boat trips when on their yachts, to attend
Google’s (ah irony).
And notes from the royal philosopher in Vogue. Where else? “...Life is about
evolving. You are continually changing, and if you don’t think that every day is a
learning process, then life is going to be very tricky for you.” Was Harry reading
from a script? Come on now. Yawn.
In his conversation with – oh dear – not Jane Goodall! – who said that humans
have a lot of inherited tendencies. “They’re not learned. They’re just there.” Over
to you, Harry. “Meghan!!! Meghan!!! Help!!! What am I meant to say?!”