Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
No Woman, No Cry - 14 March 2008

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you glad to see me?   

“Camilla will have a banana – medium in size, fairly ripe, thinly and evenly sliced.”
“Oh Charles. For God’s sake! Don’t even
utter the bloody word. Simply pass the knife.”
“Oh Darling. You surely aren’t proposing to cut the banana
yourself are you?”
“Don’t be a
total muppet, Charles. Sod the fruit. I am going to stab myself.”
“Yourself? Oh do let me get you someone to assist.”

Exactly how much is that banana a day costing us? C&C have been island hopping on the same
fantastic luxury yacht that QC spent a week luxuriating on last year. This year, she’s added a
week and a husband to her four nation West Indies holiday tour… sorry… royal engagement.

She and Charles hired the Leander to tour Trinidad, Tobago, St Lucia, Jamaica, and Montserrat
at an undisclosed discount from its customary £300,000-a-week rate; £275,000? Fortunately
there is a god – of some sort.

QC wants off. She has reported to friends to be exhausted and no matter how many attendants
to administer to her every whim, desire, fancy - and we know how she unreservedly she has
taken to royal caprice – Camilla is not a happy queen-in-waiting. On the yacht there is said to be
an entourage of 14, crew of 24. I say it’s double that.

Camilla told a friend: “It’s not easy to do this kind of schedule at 60 when you are not used to it."
Not used to lavish yacht-life? Shaking a few hands? Sampling a few cocoa sticks? Smiling?

Unusual rain and rough seas are wreaking havoc with QC’s digestion – thus the one banana a
day - and interfering with her beauty sleep. Evidently a downpour left her cold and shivering.
Clearly the queen-to-be doesn’t get out much. Never been caught in the rain, dear – I mean
Duchess? Oh bless.

Foreign Office to the rescue. After Camilla's complaints, a compromise has been struck with
more "rest time" for Camilla: four days of rest. It has been suggested that the real reason the
yacht has been chartered is because Camilla is scared of flying, although QC did fly to Antigua
last Friday to spend a few days with her former husband and dear friend, Peter Parker Bowles,
before her official duties begin…sans Charles.

Sources say the Prince is offering little sympathy to his weary wife and actually thought all QC
needed was a bracing walk…on an ash covered footpath near a volcano. So there is a god –
with a sense of humour.

Could it be that Charles was being a bit mischievous? It has been said that the two husbands
loathe each other now. Hmmm. Curiouser and curiouser.

The press has not let C&C off lightly. Charles’ chosen method of transport could do more
damage to the environment than several hundred transatlantic flights.

Leander is expected to cover 1,500 miles and will use at least 75,000 litres of diesel on the trip.
The National Energy Foundation says the cruise will pump a total of some 200 tons of CO2 into
the atmosphere, enough to fly the average passenger, you and me, from London to New York
260 times. That’s 260 bananas each.

After QC’s rest-cure, she and Chas paid homage to one of their favourites. Bob Marley. Really -
with a bit of impromptu drumming at the Bob Marley Museum in Jamaica. Seriously.

“Yah man.
Rhythm. I’ve got rhythm!”
“Don’t be daft, Charles. But adore the dreads!” Camilla sniffs. “A spliff. An enormous spliff. Now
that’s what I
really need.”
Not an enormous banana then?