LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
1 June 2019
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All Mouth and No Trousers

Oh Nige. So slick he leaves oil residue whenever he walks. OK. Slimy might be
more appropriate.
King of the Brexit mountain mess. Emperor in wolf’s clothing.
Dominant despot. Totalitarian tyrant. Are we having fun yet? Oh Nige. Sorry but
you can’t immediately move into No 10 with your protest votes.

Though Nige’s own Brexit Party came in first with 32% of the vote, the votes that
went to pro-Remain parties add up to 40.4%.
Did anyone tell Nige?

Another ‘all Mouth and no trousers’, Dominic Raab, is considered to be a front-
runner after Boris making up the No-Deal Duo. In an interview on The Andrew
Marr Show, evidently DR
described himself as a “details man”. Even Marr could
have fallen on the floor laughing - and we know how much Andrew is ‘partial to’
the Tories. Hmm. And what does ‘details’ mean to DR exactly? Surely not that
detail that we live on an island. Clue: Dover-Calais, Dominic?

There is so much
rhetoric flying about, you wish English was your second
language, or simply, not understood at all. Hint: promote unity, bring people
together, Brexit will be one of the big issues, credible plan, trust, confident
relationship, ad inf. Where is that gagging emoji when you need it?

Boris ‘all mouth and no trousers’ will be summoned to court to face accusations
of misconduct in public office. Yes. As you know, Boris faces court over
EU
referendum lies
…not his many other lies…cheated at least 10 times – on his
wife that is…had that illegitimate child he denied…and mostly whatever came out
of his mouth – in English.

Briefly: a judge has ruled that Boris can face trial in a private prosecution
alleging misconduct in public office over his repeatedly saying the UK sends
about £350 million to Brussels every week. It happens to be an ancient offence
when a person wilfully abuses the public trust. It’s from the 13th century. Boris
should love that. Oh. And the offence can lead to
life imprisonment. Blimey Boris!

It’s that £350m lie that is being targeted in a private prosecution by campaigner
Marcus Ball. Boris' lawyer, Adrian Darbishire, said that the
MP “absolutely
denied
that he acted in an improper or dishonest manner at any time”, and
called the case a “stunt” that is being “brought for political purposes”.
Hahahahahaha. Over to you.

Reality check alert. About 100,000 of mainly white not the brightest men are
about to choose the next PM for all the rest of us. You know, the UK’s 46 million
voters. The party scraped a pathetic 9% in the European elections. That party,
those men who
will decide the fate of the entire country forever. Give a little think
to non-feminist ‘champion of equality and meritocracy”, Dominic Raab, who
called feminists obnoxious bigots” I know. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Now doesn’t
the future look bright?

So Theresa’s ‘all mouth and no trousers’ legacy. Empty promises… empty
promises…empty promises. Previous Remainer who couldn’t get Brexit through
due to – oh let’s not even go there. Her legacy is her obstinate, obdurate
behaviour.
Not her all-singing, all dancing. OK. We were saved from her singing.

Some of the longest-serving PM's of the UK include Robert Walpole, William Pitt,
and Robert Jenkinson. Robert Walpole – 20.86 Years, William Pitt (the
Younger) – 18.94 Years, Robert Jenkinson, 2nd Earl of Liverpool – 14.84
Years. See. It could have been far worse. Oh. And the ultimate in ‘mouth and no
trousers’ is of course, Donny who has said before his visit to the Queen, he
wants to visit his ‘pals’, Nige and Boris. Must we? OK. ‘
With friends like that, you
don’t need enemies’. Sorry….

Puff Piece

The International Development Secretary, desperate to be the next PM, Rory
Stewart confessed in an interview with the
Daily Telegraph to taking a puff on an
opium pipe 15 years ago at a wedding. Shock! Horror! Really!? No worries. He
said it 'had no effect' on him “because I was walking 25-30 miles a day”.

Then the ex-prison minister told Sky News he made a "
very stupid mistake" to
smoke opium while travelling in Iran. Oh pleeease! Rory admitted it was against
the law when he tried the drug abroad. Really? let’s do oh pleeease again….

“I thought this is going be a very strange afternoon to walk. But it may be that the
family was so poor they put very little opium in the pipe." Huh? Walking…
wedding… huh? Missing the linear logic here, Rory.

Having served as a governor in Iran during the war there, Rory apologised for
smoking the drug.

"I actually went on in Iran to see the damage that opium is doing to communities.
I've seen it as a prisons minister. It's something that was very wrong.
I made a
stupid mistake
- I was at a wedding in a large community meeting and somebody
passed round this pipe and I smoked it. I was at a wedding...I shouldn't have
done it,
I was wrong".

Wait. He said it was because of the strange afternoon walk with a poor family,
so how does the wedding in a large community meeting work here? Hmmmmm.
More mea culpa: "I shouldn't have done it, it was wrong."




















Playing the PR game then. Wouldn’t it be
such a relief if a politician didn’t play
the pathetic ‘please forgive me’ game? Answer: yes it would. You’d have to
question if a middle-aged adult hadn’t had a ‘moment of marijuana madness’ –
or more. Utter idiocy, Rory. So far, he has only won the public support of two
Tory MPs.

Selfie alert: Walking on the wild side, Rory continues his ‘long walk’ modus
operandi as he walks the country
to persuade the peasants that he is one of
them. Oops. And Rory’s voting record? 15 votes against EU citizens right to
remain in the UK…11 votes for the bedroom tax…47 votes for reducing
welfare…9 votes to reduce council funding. Reassured? Let’s not even mention
the massive mess he made as prisons minister. Perhaps more than one
ineffectual puff wasn’t enough to make him more empathetic.

An Axe to Grind

Ok. Ok. We all know about Alastair Campbell. But do we really? Yes, his
involvement in taking Britain to war with Iraq.
Not good at all. But. Ready? With
him involved Labour had its most successful period in government since –
Clement Atlee. Reminder: Atlee served as Prime Minister from 1945 to 1951 and
Leader of the Labour Party from 1935 to 1955. And why so successful? The
Good Friday agreement, investing in the NHS, minimum wage, alleviating child
poverty, civil partnerships for starters.

Shadow attorney-general Shami Chakrabarti, whom they drag out to deny all
anti-semitism in the party, has now said that she wants the automatic expulsion
of Alastair to be “reviewed” by party officials so that he should be let back into
the party
if he pledges not to promote the Liberal Democrats in future elections.
Are we 12? “…pledges not to promote the Liberal Democrats in future
elections.” Oh god.

So with Jezza and his merry band of Stalinists (‘Stalinists’ according to AC)
immediately removing Alastair from the party for his European vote for the Lib
Dems…none of the other notable Labour members were axed, sacked for their
Lib Dem votes. Hmm. Well, interesting that
Jezza voted 428 times against the
last Labour government
– along with Tory MPs seven times. Just saying.

And what is Jezza up to now? No, not his allotment, although he celebrated his
70th birthday with his family at his allotment wearing a T-shirt that said "
I'd
Rather Be at the Allotment
", as you do. Now the ever so decisive JC, hiding
under cabbages has decided to hold the consultation on Brexit policy by
delaying the decision that could last until September. Ah. A man of vision. A man
of future-thinking. Who doesn’t love irony?

And this then means any significant changes to Labour's perspective on Brexit
would only come weeks before the next Brexit deadline of October 31st. And this
means Jezza may only shift his view on party policy as the country again faces
a no-deal Brexit.
What’s not to love? Sigh emitted here.

Deliver the Goods

Home Secretary Sajid Javid said: “EU citizens are our friends, neighbours and
colleagues who contribute so much to this country. Whatever the outcome of
Brexit
we want them to stay.” Really, Saj? The highest number of applications
coming from Polish, Romanian and Italian citizens. Nevertheless, we know
Europeans are leaving in droves. However, Britain is so lacking in architects,
web designers and even vets we should panic. No really. We should. Even if you
only consider your dog.

We know bosses are having major difficulty in finding skilled people to fill
vacancies...because there aren’t any. Other professions for the first time are
psychologists, occupational therapists, speech and language therapists and
archaeologists. But no worries, not Deliveroo drivers.

Deliveroo now delivers – to your taxi. Surely you knew this. Sitting in endless
traffic, getting peckish, bored, so why not have a little snack or a whole meal?
Invite your driver to share. See. Life is so easy.

Massive chain Burger King is working on the Traffic Jam Whopper. Now isn’t
that enticing? Well, not really. They are using firms Uber Eats, Just Eat and
Deliveroo to place orders as cars crawl along gridlocked roads. Massive messy
burger – yummy. Ew.

Winner Takes All

Out of the news for more than five minutes? Eh George? “We’re baaaackkkkk!”
Oh right. Back for charity. Right.

Back to our reality. George revealed that he and Amal are giving one lucky fan
and friend the opportunity
to join them for lunch at their 18th century Lake Como
villa
. This is part of a new fundraising event for their charity - Clooney
Foundation for Justice. If you need to know, it advocates for justice through
accountability for human rights abuses around the world

Caveat alert: However the winner and their plus-one will not be staying with the
Clooneys in their fabulous famous £10million villa like the Beckhams,
Harry&Meghan. It’s a 4-star accommodation for ‘the winner’ (note not one of the
many 5-star hotels). But – breath-holding here - the winner will also get the
unimagined once in a lifetime opportunity to take a photo with the G&A. Thrilling.

George does a 2 minute 25 second video that is meant to be amusing. Not worth
even giving the details. Clearly the actor finds himself ever so clever. Clearly not.
Yawn.

All those limitless fans are given the option of choosing a sum of
money to
donate
to the charity alongside their entry, or they can also apply using a free
alternate method on Omaze's website. What’s Omaze? An online fundraising
platform which evidently is popular with celebrities. Hmm. George and his coffee
pods adding to his $500 million I wonder….
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