|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
11 November 2016
|Not Dumb and Dumber Again!
So. Celebs have actually lost their pointless status. Really. All those self-
absorbed, self-centred, self-promoting, self-self-self actors/musicians couldn’t
get Hillary elected after all. Now that is nearly as shocking as The Donald
become the president.
Clinton backers had promised to leave the US if The Donald was elected. Barbra
Streisand, Bryon Cranston (off to Vancouver), Miley Cyrus, Lena Dunham (off
to Vancouver), Jon Stewart (off to another planet – not specified), Cher (off to
Jupiter specifically), Chelsea Handler, Samuel L Jackson (off to South Africa –
really?), Whoopi Goldberg, Neve Campbell (back to Canada), Keegan-Michael
Key (off to Canada), Neo-Yo (off to Canada), George Lopez, Rev Al Sharpton,
Raven-Symoné (off to Canada), Amy Schumer (Spain) wait. Amy has changed
her mind and now berates those who are planning the move. Amy said: “Anyone
saying pack your bags is just as disgusting as anyone who voted for this racist
homophobic openly disrespectful woman abuser.” Amy said she was joking –
twice. – about leaving that is. Funnily I have never found her in any way funny –
OK the few times I’ve had to watch her. But Canadians are jubilant.
Well, it is a massive country. But will they really leave America the Great?
Really? Wait. They may not need to. A lawyer and a writer in Oregon have filed
the Oregon Secession Act asking that the option to leave the union be included
on the 2018 ballot paper in the mid-term election. California residents also want
to become part of a new autonomous nation. Blimey! Now this could be quite
exciting couldn’t it?
No word of any move back home from all those British writers, musicians,
actors, producers, artists all loving life in the US. Not expecting any really.
Virtual reality; a reality TV star enters the real world to represent and make
crucial life-changing decisions for the 325,000,000 people. Life imitating art? Art
imitating life? Hmmm. Where’s the art?
The bookies gave 50-1 odds of him winning. I do wish I had placed a bet based
on the algorithm followers who were right all along. Evidently Hillary and camp
were totally convinced of victory.
Can we now put to rest – for ever – that “Make America Great Again” mind-
numbing mantra? Many have asked “When was it ever great?” See what I did
there? ‘Mind-numbing’ mantra?
In The Mirror Kevin Maguire titled his piece on The Don: “How could Americans
be so dumb as to put into the Oval Office a lying racist tax-avoiding billionaire
chancer accused of a series of sexual assaults?” Dumb and dumber reflected in
each other? What has been revealed is virulent homophobia, transphobia,
xenophobia, religious bigotry, racism, sexism and anti-Semitism; that apparently
is what makes America great.
Be optimistic. Kanye West is planning to become the next president. Not
running; simply anointed. Now really. Do I have to say “words fail” again!? Wait.
I have regained my senses to inform you that Creationist Ben Carson is The
Donald's top pick for Secretary of Education. Now I am dumb-struck.
Mind the Gap
If you eat Toblerone, you’re being conned – but you know that already. You are
filled with anticipation, you peel back the wrapper and zut alors! “What are these
empty gaps here?” They are money-making gaps naturally. Clearly those who
make this chocolate bar thought their loyal chocolate devotees wouldn’t notice.
Really? Well they did. Pre-Donald's debacle, it was the most-read story on the
BBC. Social media has described the ‘new and improved’ bar as a ‘toothless
The 400g and 170g Swiss chocolate bars have been reduced to 360g and 150g
respectively, which US owner, Mondelez International says was chosen over a
price hike. Audible: “Oh thank you, thank you, Sir”. Last month Mondelez cut the
size of Terry’s Chocolate Oranges by 10% from 175g to 157g. And Cadbury? If
you are still eating the chocolate-missing confections, you are a totally ripped-
off. Let’s not even go there. Mondelez said the now spacious bar was “needed to
ensure it kept its ‘triangular shape’”. If you believe that, you’ll believe anything,
such as they won’t increase the gaps further between those little triangular
shapes in the future. Anything.
The Wind in Their Sales
I just know you have been pulling your hair out in frustration curious as to where
the other Middleton sibling is. Whew. Relief is to hand. James has told you all
about himself. Personally, I’d rather eat my own hair than have to suffer through
another Middleton desperately seeking fame, fortune, endless publicity, but
James is convinced you want to know all about him. Right.
James had to close his rather gay-oriented erotic bakery due to lack of sales,
but he still runs his personalised marshmallow business, next to where his
parents run their firm Party Pieces. Ah bless.
Didn’t we all think his ‘girlfriend’ Donna Air had dumped him last year? The 29-
year-old has been dating the 36-year-old Air since 2013. OK. We weren’t
actually following their ‘romance’, but the press did report the breakup. Stop. It
was premature apparently - well, according to James. He has hinted at
marriage. Oh yawn, yawn, yawn. “We are thinking about where we are going
next.” Next. Right. Like a public event with loads of photographers and press
“I love Donna very much. [but] Marriage is absolutely not something I’m scared
of [but it] isn’t necessarily the be-all and end-all.” So what is he actually saying?
Do you know? Do you care?
He continued: “We are quite purposeful, forward-thinking people, so we needed
wind in our sails in order to progress. She makes me very happy [and] I think I
make her very happy. I want children. I’ve said that before. I will have children,
but you’ll have to wait.” Mais non! We will have to wait!? Oh say it isn’t so. Oh
James. We simply can’t, can we? Wait for such forward-thinking people. Oh the
More crucial self-confessional details followed. In regards to his school days
(you were holding your breath waiting for this surely): “There was probably a
period when I thought, ‘I don’t know if I can be who I am because of the
teasing’.” I believe we are missing the significant details here, James. But we
Are we now considering the Middletons the British Kardashians? Possibly.
The Prince and the Showgirl Revisited
Oh Harry. Oh Harry. We know Prince Harry is furious about the media attention
and resulting “wave of abuse and racial undertones” by the tabloids and trolls.
Unprecedented surely in Harry’s attempt to “protect” his media-savvy actress
girlfriend. Protect? Really? I rather think she is more than capable of doing that
The story is that members of the press have been trying to break into her
Toronto home. Literally? Really? And for what purpose exactly? I can’t think of
one, can you?
The Guardian described MM as a ‘glamorous brunette’ and ‘not in the society
blonde style of previous girlfriends’. OK. True enough, but was the left-leaning
Guardian of all newspapers actually saying MM is black? Really? Hmmm. When
has hair colour specifically indicated race?
Harry evidently has decided to select brunettes rather than blondes. He was very
keen to pursue and date brunette English model, Sarah Ann Macklin, while he
was wooing MM. Oh Harry. Naughty Harry. Evidently Harry dated the Burberry
model in June and July while he was romancing MM when she visited London.
He took her number and bombarded her with texts. Sound familiar? Yes. It was
the same as modus operandi with MM.
Nonetheless, it’s seriously important that the royal family are calling out the
racism and misogyny focused on women in the tabloid press, clearly using MM
as an example. Not nice.
It has been duly noted that the two look uncannily alike and they uncannily look
like Pippa. Complicated isn’t it? Well, maybe not. A friend confirmed: “They
were introduced at a social gathering and Harry made a beeline for her [Ms
Macklin]…everything was kept very below the radar… they got on… she is very
clean living and barely drinks and in that respect they were on a different
wavelength”. Oh. No Hollywood orgies then? Guess not. Harry then left for Africa
for a month. As you do. And you know what happened next.
We know Harry has always hated the media; he reads and analyses everything
that is written about him. So while Harry’s rant was his own, the statement was
drafted by Jason Knauf, 34, his communications secretary and a former Royal
Bank of Scotland public relations chief.
Says a former adviser to Prince Charles added: “Perhaps an older and more
experienced adviser would have been able to steer him away from creating such
an ill-advised course.” Uh oh. More to come?
We know Harry is anxious to play happy families, but possibly not the best path
to follow. A recognised model? A recognised actress? Hmmm. Will those vitriolic
tabloids and trolls stop? Oh you know they won’t.
MM apparently hasn’t gone into hiding as reported. The actress requested time
off from her show for an “important” matter. And that important matter?
Kensington Palace. Ohhhhh. Time to ‘meet the parents’? No. Not the ITV show.
Not given the keys to the Palace as yet, but surely any day now. She was seen
ringing the bell with her Whole Foods shopping bags. Oh dear. Not shopping at
the rip-off US market? Yes. You do know that ‘organic’ does not mean organic
there does it? Plus, over-priced ‘natural’ food, a gag-inducing cheerful staff, all
that manipulative visual merchandising - insulting really. Someone should tell her.
Oh we must be getting bored by this by now. Too much desperation from all
involved. It has been suggested that Harry should give up his fifth-in-line
position, move to his beloved South Africa with Ms MM. Hmmm. Or Canada.