8 February 2016
No Love Lost

With Valentine’s Day looming, impending, threatening, depending upon your
attitude and love life, other than boxes of chocolates and red roses – oh not
those bloody £50 red roses again – it’s all about smalls: skimpy, sexy underwear
to thrill your lover. Notice here it’s not about you is it? OK. OK. You might benefit
from becoming an object of desire, but really, be realistic, it’s all about him.

Give it a little think: is that actually necessary? The inevitable pervasive,
persuasive event will happen even if you are wearing a brown sack – inside out -
won’t it? So rather than splashing the cash, think about how you really want to
spend the day/night of the hyped day. Onesie in front of telly. Oops. You may
be doing that already. (See article last week…mothers showing up at
inappropriate situations/events in jim-jams ….)

But Heidi Klum offers another idea: she wants you to make her richer, richer
than her reported £14 million. In her latest ad campaign she shows how wearing
her pricey bra and knicker sets can have you looking flawlessly gorgeous, grow
to six feet, weigh six and a half stone, while oozing self-satisfaction. Hmmm,
possibly not ‘self’ induced. Or briefly (I know), ‘I’m too sexy for myself’.

As Heidi herself said: “I think more skin is better – I don’t like too much
coverage.” Publicity coverage? The ‘I’ve just had sex and you haven’t’ billboards
will be splashed across London in the ‘Heidi Klum stops traffic’ campaign.
Really. Released for Valentine’s Day. Überraschung. Überraschung.
If you buy these, you’re seriously sad.

If you insist on being objectified and establishing your raison d'être based on the
other gender’s assessment, be cheered; Spring/Summer 21016 reminds us that
being partially naked is the best look. OK. Camisoles, bra-tops, bias-cut,
transparency, filmy/silk/satin/lace. You could cover up with La Perla Maison
£1,254 dressing gown. Oh joy.

Surely you’ve been wishing, praying, holding your breath hoping Gwennie would
give you personal tips on how to experience Valentine’s Day. Seriously now. If
you have, you are just sad and mad.

If you insist (oh I do hope not), GP tells her devoted readers on her lifestyle site
– note:
her lifestyle – that sexy lingerie isn’t just for Valentine’s Day. Really? She
has introduced 'The Lingerie Drawer'. Gwennie suggests: 'You’ll find a few
foreplay-worthy things you might be too embarrassed to buy in a store’. Oh

An example? Moon Juice Sex Dust. Loving the name? Really. Yuck. It’s an
organic aphrodisiac warming potion that can be added to drinks. Secretly? Oh
Gwennie. The 'warming elixir' is designed to 'stimulate and cultivate sexual flow'
and will 'send sensitivity and power to all the right places, supporting primordial
energy and vital essence'. Arghhhh. A bit creepy really.

Let’s not forget the obligatory risqué underwear; a lace bondage triangle bra -
£86. Wait. Why stop there? An essential £37.80 glossy silk blindfold, described
as: 'luxurious to the touch and makes for a fun bedside table addition'. GP is
beginning to sound like royal-wanna-be Pippa.

So why not buy yourself flowers (not rip-off roses), chocolates, an e-card and a
flannel nightgown, take a selfie if you feel the need to celebrate. Maybe not the
selfie. According to Wikipedia; ‘In 18th-century England, it evolved into an
occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting
flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards. Just a suggestion.
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