The theatre of the absurd for six days. It’s London Fashion Week of course.
Fat – oops, plus size – is out...near death and transgender is in.
London does it best. Emphasis on individuality, eccentricity, innovation,
theatricality and most importantly – cool.  All presented and performed pretty
much over the top.

Burberry: colour block coats - turquoise, orange, red, mustard paired with
black or converted into small and large checks.
Erdem: colour-field painting and splashes of Kandinsky meets Miro.
Julien Macdonald: predictably mental.
House of Holland: his granny’s crocheted squares put to better use than a tea
Paul Smith: does Patti Smith in her standard transgender ensembles.
Central St Martin’s Show: true to form - fun and OTT.
Topshop Unique: cool stuff with marvellous hair ears.
Pam Hogg: ‘wooden’ patterned tights, a coat (actually jacket) of many furry
colours, stuffed birds on heads, feathers-/fur/glitter/gold.
Charlie Minder: lace and knickers, breasts and blood. Could he have been
inspired by the now famous transparent lace dress Prince William salivated
Vivienne Westwood: a theme of ‘Royal Family meets Alice in Wonderland’
featuring felt crowns and birds’ nest hairstyles with lots of slap slapped on.
Mary Katrantzou: ‘The room of the woman’ theme where you can wear your
favourite vase be it Ming or Meissen. Seriously cool and fab.

All the ‘z’ list celebs begged to be noticed: Sadie Frost, Peaches Geldof, Jo
Wood, Ellie Golding, Tamara Ecclestone, Sam Cam...add your own to the
lacklustre list

Daily spin has accompanied the fashion-filled week regarding Kate “he’s lucky
to have
me” Middleton. Evidently the new fashion Duchess-inspired icon looks
fabulous. For god’s sake. Pull the other one.

Kate”hlthm”Middleton has about as much sense of colour and style as a damp
flannel. If fashion is about self-expression then her clothes do seem to reflect
her personality – devoid of. Hard black homage to ancient Egyptian eyeliner is
her latest attempt. Wrong. So wrong. It only enhances her angry daggers at the
press. Not pretty.

Vivienne Westwood informed the crowds regarding the Empress’ New Clothes:
“I would have loved to have dressed Kate Middleton but I have to wait until she
kind of catches up a bit somewhere with style. When people ask me where she’
s going to get the dress from – she’s definitely not going to get it from me, or I
would have heard." Assuming she has any idea who VW is.

K”hlthm”Middleton could go fun, cool and minimal with Uniqlo’s +J or the ever
brilliant COS... or tastefully safe with Nicole Fahri, Jaeger... the usual homage
to British panache. Better - the GAP is offering a personal stylist. Time for a
total make-over Kate. Surely her cross-dressing brother, James could be a
creative influence. No. Seriously.

London is the world’s shopping capital, beating the obvious contenders Tokyo,
Paris, NY. Surprise, surprise. £62.4 splashed out with Tokyo a billion less at
£61.4, Paris £46.6, NY £47bn. Pounds spent in London exceeded the total
combination of Milan, Rome, Madrid, Berlin and LA. Wonder of wonders. Get
shopping. We don’t want to be surpassed surely.
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