LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
20 August 2016
Naked Ambitions Carry On

Boris, whom you’ll remember had been left with a knife in the back, then left like
a beached whale on the Cornwall coast, has now risen Phoenix-like behind the
doors of number 10. “Boris is running the government!” or so shouted the
media. Boris!? Buffoon-act Boris? Blimey!

Are we to assume he has cleared Theresa’s desk, binned her kitten heels (not
his size) while she is hiking in the Swiss Alps? “The prime minister is very much
in charge and is constantly kept abreast of what is going on,” a spokesperson
told the Press Association. Indeed.

Nonetheless, Tory treachery persists. While Theresa is off duty a leaked letter
has revealed disgraced former defence secretary, forced to resign Liam Fox,
now the international trade secretary, attempted a power grab in his effort to
wrestle (Olympically inspired) control of areas of Boris’ overseas economic
policy.

Oh naughty Liam. Nothing new here. Liam wants more power. Liam wants
economic diplomacy (a key function of the Foreign Office) to become part of
the remit of his department. Liam demanded a “rational restructuring” of the
departments. With Boris in charge, watch this space. Ha.

The leaked letter is the second gaffe for Liam’s department in recent days. It
had to remove a press release from its website that appeared to announce that
the UK would still trade with the EU under World Trade Organisation rules “until
any new trade deals are negotiated”. Huh? Oh Liam. You are making Boris look
good. Naughty Liam. Stupid Liam.

Theresa had to stop trekking to admonish the boys and remind them they are
professional government officials. Yes, we are all having a laugh here. While the
mouse is away….


Utterly Starkers

I’m just not getting this ‘let’s go naked in public’ trend. We know about the
restaurant with literally thousands of exhibitionists on the waiting list waiting to
spend time standing naked at the bar, we know about channel 4’s ridiculous
naked dating show, Naked Attraction – oh yes you know - where normally
private bits are in a row on show for the opposite sex (and an entire TV viewing
audience I might add). The premise is to help decide dating dilemmas and yes,
it has been slated as one of the worst shows ever. Then the Celebrity Big
Brother house has gone all porn with even more than the predictable sex and
nudity (to be honest, if I had to watch Naked Attraction or CBB I would feel
compelled to throw myself off any available roof fully clothed). And now, ready?
You can be naked on a rooftop in real life. Why? Why? Why?

London rooftop bars – lovely in summer, but enjoyed naked? Really? A new
naked bar, 60-feet high, has opened in Westminster with a view of Big Ben. Get
it? Oh surely you did.

Other than displaying your nakedness, there are opportunities to show off your
body. The bar offers the obvious sunbathing but also trampolines and naturally
swingball. Get it? I know this time you did.

Of course, there is more to it. It's been created to promote NOW TV, where
they're apparently giving people the 'freedom to choose your TV and broadband
without being tied down'. So naturally the most logical move was to open a naked
bar? Not an S&M dungeon? ‘Tied down’? Sorry, but it is all so absurd.

Continuing in the naked theme, in honour of the original Olympics, there are
naked events held on the nudist beach – as you would expect. No? Football,
swimming, sprinting, race walking (really?) and yes the mandatory beach
volleyball.

Just to make the connection between Ancient Greece and 2016, you can
compete in tug of war, surfing and Peteca - a traditional Brazilian game played
with a hand shuttlecock. Oh dear oh dear. Adolescent humour is terribly
tempting here. The Greeks performed naked to honour the gods of course.
"Our games are all about encouraging people to feel good about themselves and
promote a healthy and positive way of living freely and be at one with nature.”
And surely wearing skimpy kit simply can’t.

"There's no point in worrying what you look like when you bend over to pick up
the ball, getting embarrassed when you fall over with your legs up in the air or
bothering about your bits jiggling as you sprint for the finishing line." Not when
you are feeling one with nature.

"The only thing is that you will have to stand on a rock to receive your medal…”
This is not a Fringe joke.

Nonetheless, beyond the Fringe they are baring all. Performers, mainly women
naturally, are on display. One said: “What we wear absolutely defines us.” Oh I
can’t bare it. The very clothes you specifically choose to wear express who you
are? Isn’t that the point?

It was tried in the 60’s. Remember those times? Well, if not, women thought if
they could change the attitude towards the sexualisation of women. Ha. That was
always doomed to fail; like now.

Trump revealed? Trump uncovered? Not exactly. An anarchist collective in the
US has erected naked statues of The Donald in five major cities across the US
in an attempt to ‘humiliate’ the Republican candidate. A shame the man knows
no shame. Their project is titled: "The Emperor Has No Balls".


He’s Out of Our Hair

The duplicitous former Justice Secretary Michael Gove (you know surely; the
very one who stuck the knife in Boris’ back) has one up on Nige.

Mike not only is displaying a moustache, but an accompanying beard as well.
Touché. And yes. Both of them look ridiculous, even more than before they went
semi-hirsute.

His wife Sarah Vine said her husband was “very much enjoying his new hipster
look” in her latest Daily Mail column. Hipster? Really? Erm, I was thinking tramp
on a bench.

Vine continued: “Tis the season of the holiday beard. Everywhere, normally
clean-shaven gentlemen are letting their facial hair grow wild and free as they
relax their regimes.” What? Evidently twitter went into meltdown after Vine said
even Nige was celebrating the holiday season with his “dubious moustache”.

And then she added: “Meanwhile, the female of the species is doing precisely
the opposite: obsessively extracting every last vestige of bodily fuzz. I can't be
the only woman who wishes these tonsorial trends were reversed — and that for
once we could be the ones to, er, let our hair down on holiday." Who knew she
could try humour? A pity she didn’t suggest a hair-removal-revolt.


More Fun Bits:

Ignoring the trending of exhibitionist nakedness and moving on to the Olympics.
Guess the birthdate of four gold medallists. OK. That is silly, but ‘tis the season’
et al.

Sir Steve Redgrave, Sir Chris Hoy, Jason Kenny and Mo Farah were all born on
March 23. Oh be impressed. What are the chances? They have won 20 gold
medals – with one more for Mo surely. And lest we forget: Joe Calzaghe or Sir
Roger Bannister, who in 1954 became the first ever person to clock a sub-four-
minute mile.

So if you want a future gold medal offspring standing on the podium waving,
singing the National Anthem, circle June 29 for the day - or night - and hope for
results March 23.


And finally…

So where has former Chancellor, Georgie Boy been hiding? We have been
asking haven’t we? Well, at former Viet Cong headquarters near Ho Chi Minh
City and the Cu Chi tunnels where Viet Cong soldiers hid. Surprise!

What? Really? Georgie-Boy where? Why? Well, G-B has been discovered
traipsing through the jungle, clearly inspired by Theresa’s trekking holiday. The
difference? Georgie-Boy has had his finger on the trigger – of an M60 machine
gun. I am serious here. G-B gave it his best shot; three bursts of gunfire.

At a visitor’s attraction (huh?) he displayed his macho-ness (oh do double over
laughing here please) with his two teenage children. Visitors paying £1 a bullet
can fire a choice of weapons left over from the war. How exciting.

Another British holidaymaker filmed the Rambo-scene: "Above ground they have
a firing range where you can fire Kalashnikovs and all sorts of other actual
weapons from the Vietnam war. We were actually looking at the torture
equipment and the booby traps when George Osborne suddenly came walking
up behind us. It was bizarre to see Mr Osborne to be honest…the big one he
used is really loud…when he fired the gun, everyone in the waiting area jumped
out of their skins.”

No mention of any camouflage makeup. You must admit, this is a very strange
family holiday choice. Assuming G-B has other plans than that of becoming an
arms dealer. As a big shot, he will charge £50,000 as a public speaker. What
could he possibly talk about? And then there is his secret desire to give it a shot
as an ambassador. A long shot? Sorry, but I am enjoying this. He is a satisfying
subject of mockery after all. Hmmm. Like a shot, Georgie-Boy has been seen
hanging out with Tina Brown and her friends in New York. “George. Is that a gun
in your pocket or…?”

Wait. Actually, a parting shot: do we care really? Not really. But you must admit,
his fee is appalling after destroying the lives of so many with his unnecessary
‘austerity’ cuts.

G-B tweeted in response to his Rambo efforts: “After all these years, I finally
have a front page in the Daily Mirror worth keeping.” Frame it Georgie.
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