Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
Mum's the Word - 22 October 2009

Am I drunk? No. So it must be time warp time again.

With surrealism filling the air, the list is out of publicity possessed celebs who are being
considered for Celebrity Mum of the Year. A bit of an oxymoron really. Geri Halliwell, Samantha
Cameron, Kate Moss, Katie Price – who is barely recognisable after her latest surgery to create
a ‘separated-at-birth’ relationship with Janice Dickenson…not a good look…not a good choice.

Meanwhile, the government’s continuing control of the populous is extending to March 2010; time
for the ten year £270m census – to be issued with new bizarre intrusive questions.

Other than the usual questions regarding race and religion, they will want to know what kind of
central heating we have – and if we are in a civil partnership, have a second (not third or fourth?)
home, the number of bedrooms in each home – but wait - coupled with a requirement to give the
name, sex, date of birth and address of any overnight visitors. Maybe I am on drugs.

Katie Price has announced her ‘need for more space’ as the reason for chucking out her cross-
dressing-cage-fighting boyfriend Roxanne aka Alex Reid. That eliminates her/him from the
census, but clearly leaves the door open for anyone passing by. Now her only problem will be
accounting for her children when they sleep over to add authenticity to her ‘reality’ TV
programme that surely must be in its 109th series by now.

“Now don’t put Harvey in that pink room with the wall-size photos of my favourite ‘glamour
models’. Oh. That’s me. It’s Princess’s room. Oh. Or is it mine? Remember what I announced to
the press last month: the kid gets her first implants at 12 and at 16 we’re going to get them out
‘for the lads’.” What a mother. Makes you wish you had one just like her.

Kate Moss may be faced with a similar census dilemma. “Where’s my PA? Oi. You! Does what’s
her name…what
is her name? …Lil… Lea… oh right, Lila Grace have a room in this house?
Don't I take her shopping sometimes?”

I can see it all now; those obsessed with the cult of celebrity – and who isn’t? – will all be vying
for census status. “Kate Moss stayed in my bathroom for hours. Does that count?” Gerri
Halliwell will be easy as she pops up everywhere. “She’s been in my flat forty-two times this
month. You have her over at yours.”

I am assuming Samantha Cameron will win as she can buy votes with her £300,000 yearly
bonus, her staggering inheritance and that £30m from Dave.

More strange-than-fiction to follow….